Michigan Boys Know How To Party is a Christmas movie

I will continue to mention and congratulate my friends on their baby's length long after it is born

I don’t know how people can celebrate the birth of Jesus knowing, full well, He’ll be dead by Easter

can’t stop won’t stop (laying down)

Microwave: Your food is hot. Beep-beep-beeeeeep Car: Put on your seat belt. Ding-ding-ding Dryer: Your clothes are dry. Here’s a 40-second sea shanty performed on a penny whistle

"It's not a doll, it's an action figure." - the father of many a gay son, rationalizing his child's toy preference

Haha autocorrect changed 32 gigs of RAM into 32 jiggers of rum and the universe doesn't have to send me a clearer message than that. Mojito time.

Don't ever let anyone shame you for being an NPC in life

"Sure that's the insurance value and estimated auction value, but what will you give me for it TODAY?" I yell at the Antiques Roadshow evaluator from the comfort of my home where no valuables reside

All the fast food restaurants that offer "buy $20 worth of gift cards, get $5 gift card for yourself" have established my January eating schedule

Yes of course I carefully planned Christmas shopping. You get to choose between the Subway and Phillips 66 gift cards

Sure you can invite more people to the plans we made two months ago. The more the merrier. Also I'm not going now

I said we were going to wax poetic, not wax a poet, Kevin. Put your damn shirt back on.

There's an old saying around here but I can't find it because the folk wisdom feed is all Beck went Hollywood so we got two chickens and a guinea fowl

♫ He shouldn’t have run ♫ He shouldn’t have tried ♫ They found coke in the sleigh ♫ And an old forty-five ♫ Santa Claus is going downtown

As previously noted, Kevin Hambly can get it

God grant me the nonchalantness of mister magoo

If you've ever unironically made the hook em horns gesture during a sporting event, just know that I hate you

♫ 12 drummers drumming ♫ 11 pipers piping ♫ 10 lords a-leaping ♫ 9 ladies dancing ♫ 8 maids a-milking ♫ 7 swans a-swimming ♫ 6 geese a-laying ♫

if you have an introverted friend who likes spending time with you, congrats, you’re special to them

(after drinking a full sugar soda) i wish someone would try to fight me

Looks like I’ll be raw-dogging christmas this year (having unprotected sex with santa)

Of all the potential candle scents you could base on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, "Grandoa Joe's Bed" should not be one of them

Brideshead The Talented Revisited Mr. Ripley 🤝 Saltburn

Scientists now believe that the human brain--a magic goo for worrying--can also be used to do other things

happy stylish but illegal monkey day to all who celebrate!!!!! by the way his name is darwin and he lives a farm now

December is such a magical time of year when you have kids. Nothing better than bolting awake at 4:00 am because you forgot to move an elf

*angrily reminds people that all printing is 3D printing if you measure in microns*

YOLO you ordered liver & onions

Meanwhile at the miniature painting station, someone has a very important announcement

"I'll stop the world and melt with you" ok salvador dali

Thank god I won't have to scroll through endless spotify wrapped posts now that it's been canceled

👾EPISODE 165 - THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION 👾 We’re back with the extremely strange but also extremely charming 1980’s sci-fi comedy THE ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI ACROSS THE 8TH DIMENSION

the…the what for kids?

I've never watched the Hannibal show but to my understanding this is what it is about

ME: Can you show me how to make jelly? WIFE: K. Why? ME: *turns to face camera* No, just the regular stuff.

Say, say, say what you want But don't play games in my reply section

ME: *accidentally calls the VP of Operations by his grindr screen name* no, no, i don't think AI could take my place

Dysfunction junction what's your function

*slowly puts earbuds in during your story*

Caturday. Tis the season of shipping boxes

the word "mon·o·syl·lab·ic" has betrayed us

Jack Frost will nip at any exposed protuberance of the body

not saying i have a problem, but i did help the ladies at my Taco Bell decorate for christmas.

[being murdered] murderer: (murdering) me: omg no please i have like three trial subscriptions i have to cancel before the end of the month or i'll be charged

ME: if pee comes out of a penis then a butt should be called a poonis DR: okay fine stop sticking things up your poonis

ME: this is an unsafe work environment. I think that's black mold COWORKER: shh be nice, Frank's trying to grow a beard

i’m starting to think you didn’t understand my joke, or you think it stinks. or you have me on mute.

of course i follow you, but i'm not 𝙞𝙣 follow with you

Just got off the phone with my elderly mother. Turns out she has been diagnosed with immaculate degeneration.