I'm not everybody's cup of tea but I am everybody's favorite Dave. Only liars will disagree with this.

LinkedIn is a toxic as Twixter. Every week I get a notification that someone from a local university is looking at my profile and I need to pay money to see who it is. It's like, "little peakyweaky and HIDE!" Fuckin creeps.

If cucumbers want to stay relevant they're going to need a brand update. They need to be called no-carb, gluten free, low sodium pickles.

The only time I want to hear, "chip off the old block," is if people are talking about aged cheese.

If you think you can't, try anyway. Either you will find out you can, which is cool, or you will find out your pattern noticing skills are fairly well honed, which is important, also.

I will now pronounce "cat" with a soft c.

You can do it, fuckers!

Do you think that victims of attempted murder become insufferable with their story?

Trick or Treat for adults but instead of candy it is something off the Steam Wishlist

Folks, I want to get ahead of this before it comes out. It is with a heavy heart that I have to confess that I am a full human person and not, as my @ states, just a Face. I know that this may surprise people and I understand if I lose followers because of this.

I find the cruelest thing in life is not actions done by people. It is the fact that people who have a lisp cannot properly tell you that they have a lisp.

I was just told that Geocentricism is fact and believing the theory that planets revolve around a star is an improvable theory. I'm too tired for this amount of ignorance. This was AT WORK!

My brother gave me a ticket to see Colin Hay and I only cried tears of joy when he couldn't see me.

If you could have dinner with one person, what would you serve Tom Hanks?

OH SHIT! Dick Cheney died?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!? I will be having a celebratory glass of wine tonight!

A lot of my family members have really bad political stances so every time I vote I pick one to cancel out. I know that isn't why people should vote but it is a fun spice to add to waiting in line on a chilly November morning.

I switched my browser to Brave because Chrome sucks now and Firefox is so slow that it is to be laughable to even try it anymore.

Marmoset is a word that is spelled like it sounds but sounds like a word that wouldn't be.

Carry a mirror when you go on a hike so if you get lost you can pull it out and see where you are.

Me: Hi, how are you!? A stranger's dog: How high are you?

Friend: You’re stranded on an island. What’s one thing you would bring with you? Me: Phasers. Friend: Those aren't real. Me: I'm not really on an island.

When you click, "follow," on my Bluesky

My wife asked if I wanted to order pizza and I replied, "now you're speaking my language! English! Yes, I want pizza."

Centrist: Left wing... right wing... they're all part of the same bird. Me: What if I told you that governments aren't birds?

Camera Man: *turns on flash* Flash: *nuts*

I'm a typo machine that sometimes sends out jokes.

I am an idiot and tried to by buy a discounted Dispatch CD Key and I was boned. I am an idiot.

I am not saying I am a rebel but I just did the Microsoft Windows survey and gave them a SCATHING review.

Netflix needs to chill. I just got done watching a documentary about a wife and kids who were killed and at the end it asked how many thumbs up I'd give it. Like, I'm glad I watched it but I'm not feeling very thumbs-uppy.

Ethics was my favorite class in college. I was a business major though, so it wasn't useful for my degree.

With how popular gaming handhelds are now, it is INSANE that Amazon hasn't come out with one on their own bespoke Linux distro like Valve has. What are they thinking? It can come with a cheap subscription to Luna. Get on my level!

Alcohol has been around forever. You think we would've evolved past hangovers.

Today is, "World Stroke Day," and that has a very different meaning in the US than it does in the UK.

Me: I think I found a way to speed up evolution! Scientist: That's amazing! How? Me: *big wink* Fucking

Violets are blue Roses are red My favorite food is Garlic bread

Tautologies are just words put together to make tautologies.

People who like Ron Swanson as a character ✅ People who think Ron Swanson is right about anything ❌

Vegan atheists practice Seitanism.

AOL was originally going to be called AOK but everyone on the internet is depressed.

Drugs aren't something you should meth around with.

When I grow up, I want to be worm food!

The song, "Spooky Scary Skeletons," was originally about how expensive X-Rays are in the United States but Andrew Gold thought it was too scary.

"I killed 48 birds with 24 stones," is the same but very different.

Watching Halloween a week early because I'm a naughty bitch.

To the tune of Hot To Go: R O L A I D S

The best way to backup your PC is to delete sys32.

I wish life were like D&D and similar effects wouldn't stack. Oh no, seasonal depression can't affect me because of my current depression.

My right hand bought me lunch today, but I don’t put out on the first date.

There is one easy trick to make obsessive people uncomfortable! (I will tell you later

Why does everyone keep calling it “The Epstein Ballroom?” Please stop repeating “The Epstein Ballroom” because it is not called “The Epstein Ballroom!” Don’t tell the news that it’s called “The Epstein Ballroom” and please don’t repost this!!!!!