How many nunchucks would a nun chuck if a nun could chuck nunchucks?

I just realized I don't even know you people.

Not sure the jokes and kitten posts really balance out how down I feel after reading my feed here.

They tell me I’m uncultured, but I’ll always recognise a bit of Beethoven.

If Taylor Swift really wanted a private wedding venue she should’ve considered the National Mall.

Close your eyes and imagine the thing you want most in the world. Now imagine yourself achieving that thing. Now imagine a worm wearing a shoe. Now do a cartwheel.

There once was a pope who cried schism When bishops were trying to diss’im That Sunday at mass He showed them his ass And said, “See deez turned cheeks? Go and kiss’m”

Perry Mason taught me that it’s not libel if it’s true. From this we can extrapolate that it’s not anthropomorphizing if my coffee maker really is happy.

People learn from their mistakes? I didn't even know that was an option.

The sky was the color of a TV screen, tuned to Fox News coverage of America's State Fair.

It’s HOT! Don’t forget to unplug your local Data center to stay cool.

look, whether you root for team USA or not, i think we can all agree the important thing is that you should feel like a sorry piece of shit 24 hours a day for deciding to be alive

I'm not mysterious like a femme fatale, I'm mysterious like when you unexpectedly discover that your pet's paw is wet

movie pitch: what if the North won the Civil War

The answer to the question is here, by the way: www.tom-cox.com/the-cat-who-...

Me eyeing the exits but not sure where to go..."Uruguay is progressive and democratic, huh? lemme wiki it and then make talking about moving there my entire identity for a couple weeks."

Until our chimpanzees stop eating bananas that way, their HBO subscription has been cut off.

Trans beloveds, take some time off the internet if you need to. Clarence Thomas is a piece of shit sexual harasser with literally no good opinions. You are better than him in every way that counts.

Always makes me happy when my knowledge of Revolting Cocks tracks is useful in a conversation

The sign said “Noodles Sandwiches” and I thought they meant sandwiches filled with noodles but nooo it was just another pho place. Who doesn’t want a noodle sandwich? Someone make it happen, please.

I like to throw in a dash of wisdom to keep my bullshit fresh.

👇👇👇👇

centrists love to be like “when are you socialists going to win regions and states that we centrists currently also don’t win”

📌Decades and decades of exploration, vaccines, social progress, and righteous wars against genocide and hate, and after 250 years we end up with a lying, orange bigot who hates science and reading, and is losing a war with algae. It’s very disheartening, it really is …

that painting looks like the loading screen for a chevy dealership simulator

I don't need horror movies any more. I have the Weather Channel.

I just can't accept an Odyssey movie unless they cast an actual whirlpool.

For fifty years, fans, critics, and scholars have debated the meaning of the Eagles’ acclaimed 1976 recording “Hotel California.” Our new paper uses advanced AI analysis to finally reveal the hidden truth: it’s about what if there was a spooky hotel

Ah, when a year's work debuts to a resounding "meh."

Guys guys guys I got an email that otherwise would’ve had to be a meeting. The dream is real. ✨

Two loved ones in two different ERs and I'm 1500 miles away with a head cold. Last night was not the best.

ok this one got me

Get yourself someone who will say “pendantic” on purpose knowing that you’ll be pedantic about correcting it.

I just saw a TV commercial in which two women talk thirstily about how sexy an anthropomorphic colon cancer screening kit is while it mows the lawn. I think they missed this part in the book of Revelation.

There's "huh, I think my knee made a noise", then there's "everything aches, oh god I'm old" but there's still a stretch before you get to "everyone has a shelf life, deal with it." What? Oh, fine, thanks. How's your Tuesday going?

Damn, accidentally made eye contact with a neighbor and now I have to move.

trying to imagine what the stupid culture war will be over this lol

I don't think I like the narrative of being in a divided country. When somebody is racist I don't have a difference of opinion with that person. they have a moral failing. I'm not obliged to reach over the boundary and explain that we could probably swap kidneys if we needed. Who has the time lol

i like that Paul Simon gets big cocky with his theory that there's 50 ways to leave your lover, and then when pressed for answers he's only got like six and one of them is just "get on the bus"

Ice violently assaulted a community member who is an American citizen. Ventura, CA.

Standing ovation for Rep. Beatty, who sued Trump over the renaming of the Kennedy Center, took him to court, and won!

My dog ate a bunch of my Scrabble tiles so I left him at the vets, knowing full well his next bowel movement could spell disaster.

I rode the Disneyland ride as a kid 3x and closed my eyes the whole time for the first time times thru but eventually gutted up Great ride too

Pavlov: I made a dog drool Everybody: Holy. shit.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you fall through the skylight

And for my next trick, I'll say "Let's stay in touch", never to contact them again.

Now with fresh dance moves inspired by: “I just walked into a giant spider web” And “Why is there a wet spot on the carpet?”