An apostrophe is a catastrophe that has been thrown out of its social circle.

excuse me? my ass is not grass. my ass is a variety of low-water-requirement flora native to this region and beneficial for the local pollinator populations

when i die instead of putting coins over my eyes pls put pepperonis

Sharks, what we’re asking for is for you rich assholes to not fuck Mother Earth in the ass with data centers we don’t want or need

Repost this if you’ve gone to the doctor or you’ve seen a dog. I’m a teacher trying to show my students that it’s possible to repost stuff under certain circumstances like if a post asks you to and you’ve gone to something or seen something

If it wasn't for backsliding I wouldn't do no sliding at all.

Virginia speaker of the house going "we respect the decision of the supreme court to disenfranchise millions of voters" really is the perfect distillation of the Democratic party

When you tap a link on a page in a mobile browser some companies redirect you to the appstore to install their app. Those companies need to be yeeted into the sun.

Crotchety Contractor who is Younger than me: "Honestly I think the problem you guys have here is DEI related." Me: "I assume you mean not enough, considering how every major decision passes through the hands of an old white man." Him: *Nervous, "Thought you would agree with me" chuckle*

This dog was a three term mayor of Whoville.

This kind of mixed use urban planning is illegal in America

Really fun when an older exec type listens to my hyper competent boss explain something about a construction issue then looks at me and asks a question because I happen to be a guy.

a few years ago a cashier at TJ Maxx asked me if i needed to pick up any gifts for mother’s day bc they just got a bunch in so i said “no thanks, she’s dead” and she just stared at me for 30 seconds then asked if i wanted to save 10% by opening up a TJ Maxx rewards card

Groveling: The sheepish smile emoji when asking cyber security to fix a mistake you made in a system you can break but have no power to reverse.

🎯

people all over the world starting to understand how it is possible to bankrupt a casino

Feeling as hopeless as a goth with dandruff.

If your happiness is fleeting, clap your hands.

i don’t want to have responsibilities i want to be a big fat sea lion that’s taken over a pier and people throw their leftover lobster rolls at me

theres a cat outside my window in heat for like four days and all I can think is somebody fuck this cat before i have to

Reagan actually got shot at the same hotel and never asked for a ballroom

I don't really feel like bipartisan healing if you're on the side of someone who threatened to end a civilization for not stopping a war he started.

Fun fact: Getting from the entrance to Terminal 4 at LAX to your actual gate involves crossing a river, two state lines, three movie sets and a demilitarized zone.

I never thought it would happen to me. I am now one of those cracked phone screen people who can't be arsed to fix it.

It’s finally happened. After 18 months. Finally, a media merger you can root for.

If there are any Democrats who are thinking of running for the presidency on 2028 on anything less than a clear agenda of widespread prosecution for this administration's corruption and fundamental structural changes to ensure it can't happen again, they should just stop right there.

The richest 10% of Americans own roughly 87% of stocks. The richest 1% alone own roughly half of all stocks. It's worth pointing out once again that the stock market is not the economy.

people often criticize a dog and pony show but frankly, i think that sounds kind of neat

my spirit animal is the scapegoat

In Maine, ICE brazenly called their operation “catch of the day.” The banal inhumanity of it all is overwhelming. The deaths, the injuries, the conditions in detention, the brazen disregard for people’s rights, including American citizens. And it’s still happening. open.substack.com/pub/joycevan...

The fact that Mamdani just seems like a cheerful normal guy who's policies are things like "we're going to tax second homes to fund pothole repairs" or whatever and yet this generates panicked responses like "This is basically Stalin's great purge turned up to eleven" is... telling. It tells things.

If you're having paranoid delusions about pitchfork wielding mobs coming after your unoccupied third multi-million dollar investment property, that's probably a good argument for pitchforks.

He looks majestic and wise but he poops outside the box.

If I see sea monkeys why do I still see monkeys? Checkmate Darwin.

This food court finds you GUILTY.

There is a box of free donuts in the break room and I'm like, "Nice try pluribusses."

Philosophical quandaries include existential meaning, morality, and why it’s worse when I break down and google a crossword answer and it turns out I was right in the first place.

It speaks to my mental state that I'm staring out the window willing a tornado into existence.

Please don't forget the finger-guns. They're the heart of the bit

Average GOP Congressman: We err...uhhh...don't uh need uh...oversight of the DoD because uh...we trust the President to decide what's best Donald Trump: I AM JESUS CHRIST RETURNED TO EARTH THE POPE ISN'T MAGA AND HE'S WEAK ON NUCLEAR WEAPONS I AM GOING TO BUILD A HOTEL ON THE MOON

The Kool-Aid Man is a creature made of glass and water yet he can break through a brick wall. He is an abomination and we must stop him at all cost.

Wild that Altman is being sued by his sister for repeated sexual abuse and that doesn’t come up in basically every conversation about him. I get that it’s alleged but if that shit was happening to someone else I feel like that would come up, particularly if that person had a history of lying a lot.

Japanese sci-fi: two robots in space, yearning American sci-fi: man gets the author's beliefs on polygamy confirmed by the aliens of ramalama IV french sci-fi: two horny bounty hunters visit the Galaxy of Breasts British sci-fi: nuclear war. Everyone dead. America's fault

Dignity, always dignity. I just hope that means what I think it does.

Manfred Mann’s Blinded By the Light isn’t quite the worst cover I’ve ever heard — nothing tops Gary Jules’s Mad World — but it’s up there

Sending me a text asking me to pray for a family member when you know I am an atheist puts me in an impossible situation that can only end with me ignoring you, giving you comfort that is explicitly not what you asked for, or lying to comfort you. Take your pick.