my “i fucked your mom” t-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt

Self loathing as an art form.

Offering Americans lessons in speaking English like a Londoner, cos, so you’ll not get THAT look worldwide…. ya-know-wat-a-mean, in-it!

a vape that tastes like clam chowder

“Your skin is glowing!” Thanks, it’s anxiety sweat.

You smell like an old wet umbrella and your head is shaped like one too.

The hermit jack-in-the-box grows so large that he requires a bigger shell. He then installs himself in a microwave, oven, or washing machine

It must be terrifying to be a jack-in-the-box. Remember, he doesn't control his own emergence. To him, the world pops inward, a noisy, many-colored beast, until he can push its churning faces out of his dark home

rate my bulb [image of a blinding spherical light, fixed to a spackled ceiling in a narrow space between wood paneled walls, surrounded by refractions, prismatic disorder]

It is known that covering your skin with holy texts will conceal you from ghosts; this is because the dead's own realm is built of sacred words, and your body can be camouflaged against that gauzy, golden backdrop

Halo lake has no bottom; unless it does. If you dive deep enough, through the liquid sunlight, they say you can still touch the angel's skull

Frankenstein: Sometimes I struggle to make friends Jim Henson: Sew felt

Putting worms in my shoes and wiggling my toes throughout the day to help keep me grounded

Unsheathing my sword of integrity and dropping it in the mud

What if we had a knife fight in the ambient glow of roku city

My girlfriend dumped me for Mothman and his giant, vibrating cock.

I worry that my approach to giving my cats treats is too haphazard, too unpredictable. In the absence of logic will they develop religion? What rituals and superstitions do they practice in the hopes of yielding a more bountiful crop? How can they please their fleshy and unknowable God.

Godzilla destroying the city. Starmer, “look, let’s not rush to judge.” Godzilla, eats him.

I'm ready for politicians who distract us from great things with even better things. Like, you want chocolate ice cream? First try perfect tacos with lettuce and cheese and fresh avocado

when i tried to go public with the shocking truth of what we were putting in the food at the soup factory they canned me

It could be worse, I had a butter dish for Christmas.

I have administered a medicinal bagel

i am very well educated in fact i was the only person in my entire village who could hear the well whispers

Dangerous times indeed Mr Starmer. Good time to rejoin the EU!

We had a good run

… like starting a war in a world moving toward elasticated socks just to grab Amalgamated Spats.

Gotta grab that oil! Climate’s not gonna heat itself.

Almost like the FIFA peace prize meant nothing

[first date on beach in Oregon] So I heard you like long walks on the beach [weeks later on beach in California] Holy shit you weren’t kidding

Remember You’re a womble!

*jumps for joy* *joy just out of reach*

Put the bog goo on the ice, stir, pour out the goo, keep the ice, add gin and shake then serve. Perfect bog goo martini.

my hog call brought 30-50 feral hogs to my yard, and i'm like, it's better than yours

I once killed a bear with a pizza wheel. 8 pieces, not the same size but not bad, as it was a bear.

Went to the Ron Mueck exhibition at the gallery of NSW today and it was fantastic.

Super Mario's power should come from smoking cigarettes and the movies should clarify this

women during a full moon: awoo men during a full moon: awoo blob creature during a full moon: grblgrbl

Discourse within the township as to who we should chuck in the sludge pit to be devoured by the great beast and bring good luck for the new year

kissing someone at midnight is tired. who wants to wack me with a mallet

This could be us…

LL Cool J and LL Bean got married and had a baby llama.

Crushed ice is just regular ice that realizes it will never achieve its dream of becoming an astronaut

Sitting here without my glasses on, micro-dosing the innocence before the fall.

We all have that one friend who's a sock puppet that got permanently fused to our hand during a lightning storm and now it whispers sinister coded instructions to us at night time

Resolved into a solution

A small reason for me to be less cynical going into ‘26. I could cry, but in a fierce, manly way.

My resolution is to remain a curmudgeon, I mutter, extracting myself from yet another candles-and-prayer-hands chatroom set up to see in the new year.