this is not just my chaos it is my poorly managed chaos

Please note how my Girl Guide cookies fit perfectly in my container. Checkmate, atheists. Your science can’t explain that

me: butthole... is this anything? him: it's EVERYTHING

If your daddy was born on a leap year, add a jo.

Pam Bondi’s out? I should sleep through more things. Just induce coma for 2 weeks.

Your modern country star first name is your birth month Your modern country star last name is your momma's birth month 1 Blake 2 Zach 3 Owen 4 Johnny 5 Keith 6 Morgan 7 Jake 8 Toby 9 Cody 10 Chris 11 Jackson 12 Bryan

the blue violets are blooming

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you're going to need a cocktail shaker or a map of 11th century France.

OK for fun: top funniest tweet ever? I am torn between "moon's haunted" and "Denise I was at your wedding."

Oops!…I Got Too Stoned Again

What’s a sick person got to do around here for a little pity?!

I slept too much during the day. My nyquil is not working!

please my typos they’re very [sic]

I haven't trusted Peter Coyote since Bitter Moon Actually, no, it was that photographer-cum-knife-fighter film, Exposure Actually, actually no, it was when he quarantined and killed ET. Eat a dick, Keys!

Ere, I endeavoured to appreciate an episode of Ken Burns American Revolution, hoping to glean insight in the vagaries of modern politics, yet the confluence of my ague and my dearth of American history leaves me bereft of insight or memory so hence I shall continue to mope in my lugubrious state

Gonna start pronouncing J.R.R. Tolkien as "Junior-er Tolkien"

Me as a Bluesky therapist

Me as a Bluesky therapist

Omg only reply if you're actually witty, you basic fucks.

I stole the KitKats and I’m not sorry *burp noise*

Spring cold has me down for the count

I’ve watched this four times and will not be stopping anytime soon

Just here to excavate the internet archives

Ghost of Harry Chapin: "A truckload of Kitkats? Oh, I'd have something for this!" www.ctvnews.ca/world/articl...

I need to work on my funeral playlist. No Bryan Adams! No Elton John!

A neighbour I grew up with just died. I feel for her family, but suddenly I worry my family are going to write a shitty obituary for me. If they put banalities like "Steve liked computers." I'm going to haunt them. Steve hated people. Steve hated computers. This is why he chose to be an IT manager.

That isn't a rock...

Now we wait because the center is molten sugar and lava hot strawberries. Waiting is the tough bit.

It’s dusty in here youtu.be/kVw-4L59Tw0?...

Insomnia cooking

This changes you completely

It was me. I confess

Slept in a Blue Rodeo shirt and had a dream that my house was on fire

Can you hear me now? Good

"What do you mean 'transporter problem?'"

Q: what do you call a dinosaur that likes Mexican food? A: Trex Mex

Them: what’s it like where you live? Me:

Slept in a Duran Duran shirt and woke up in an ordinary world

Slept in a Metallica shirt and woke up sad but true

Slept in a Dead Kennedys shirt and woke up too drunk to fuck

slept in a The Police tee shirt and woke up the king of pain

Ghost of Harry Chapin: “Iiiii cooooould have worked wiiiiith thiiiiis”

That's a really nice looking pancake, too. I'm sad for whomever lost it.

See a flower, share a flower 💐

I’ve been drunkish since like noon and I should probably close the patio door because I’m sure the neighbors are sick of my shrieking inebriated outrage over various pop culture notions.

When you think about it, air fryers are just easy bake ovens for adults

Disassociating isn't enough, I need a coma

See a flower, share a flower

See a flower, share a flower

Introducing myself to the new neighbors by screaming at sportsball like a lunatic