therapist: tell me what happened dog: he threw the ball and I went to chase it therapist: go on dog: he hadn't thrown it, he just pretended therapist: how did you feel dog: humiliated? he laughed, can you believe that therapist: let the feelings out dog: it can never be the same between us

reading the guardian list of the 100 best novels, it contains many I disagree with so I will be talking about it on social media which I imagine is the last thing they want

there is a theory that James Bond is just a code name and when he dies he's replaced with a new James Bond like they do with the Pope and Mr Blobby

congratulations to whoever won Eurovision I was watching but I've forgotten already

Victoria looks like a glamourous herring. #Eurovision

ukraine guy is the stng pope

youʼre about to learn more about international relations than you can from any university

male presenter looks like david mitchell had sex with alan partridge in a car dealership and they birthed a lease advisor

another one of mine there

itʼs evianessence

respect the key change at the end, proper truck driverʼs gear shift

itʼs post post-malone

my kids are calling this one Temu Shakira

itʼs LinkedIn Park

got to write a few jokes for the presenters hope youʼre enjoying them

bit Warhammer 40k The Musical

enjoying both of her

FFS Twigs #BULGARIA #Eurovision

standard eurovision pair of presenters, a very hot woman and a guy looking like a failed magician who does kids parties to get off with single mums

watching eurovision with some americans and I was dreading having to explain why australia was in it but itʼs ok because one dude just said ʼactually itʼs in europe thatʼs where hitler was fromʼ

not one horus heresy book in the guardian top 100 novels, not even a dan abnett

suffering from that middle aged affliction where you walk into a room and you can't remember why you went there and you have to retrace your steps until you figure out "ah yes, the sex dungeon"

You can keep your Poirots and your Marples, the greatest murder mystery moment on tv is when John Nettles discovers Selina Cadell has been popped into a tumble drier

what am I thinking about? mostly batman, but I am also thinking about AI

I live in the US but sometimes I wonder if it's a real place

#RecipeOfTheDay is Meatzza! ! I called it this as it’s rather like a pizza (as is evident from the photo) except that minced/ground beef takes the place of the dough, but Italians would describe it as polpettone, ie giant meatball or, as here, meatloaf, in disc form. www.nigella.com/recipes/meat...

never liked the word dentist makes it sound like a car body repair shop

happy mother's day wipe your face you're not going out like that

massive pile of blood and flesh and broken bones with just a pink snout poking out, someone's dropped a clanger

I got 99 problems and now I have to buy a new ice cream

I still love the theory a Year 6 child proposed to me that David Attenborough is actually God and he got fed up with people not noticing the amazing things he'd created, so he made documentaries to show off.

I gazed deep into the abyss and the abyss gazed back into me so I waved at the abyss but then it turned out the abyss was gazing into someone behind me so I had to turn it from a wave into fixing my hair

what's like a dead cat but it's too fat to bounce

proust: the taste of the madeleines, it triggers instant recollections of childhood me: you eating that soon proust: I am taken there beyond my control me: it's just I was hoping we could pop in the newsagent proust: I am become myself of the past, experiencing a life over me: wanted a white dwarf

Hey guys. Do you remember the early days of twitter dot com. When there was just a giant puddle that went viral

nice to see the press going with a story that has a sting in the tail

trying to get interested in the UK council results from this side of the Atlantic but it all feels so small

zack snyder is a terrible cobbler, he just keeps taking away my shoes, filling them with gravel snd giving them back. i don’t have time for this gritty reboot!

taken on a new role as Kangaroo Man protecting my neighbourhood with my superhuman leaping and bounding and so on, but we're having communication problems

a novel about how your life, from childhood all the way through adulthood, was shaped by aqueduct construction is called a buildingsroman

the internet is baffling at times

me, standing over my son, instructing him on how to live his life before he finally asks if he can continue playing mario kart

Sean Penn has gone all out for the Met Gala in this bold Tom Ford piece

"May the fourth be with you" is a pun on the phrase "May the force be with you" a phrase commonly used in the Star Wars franchise of movies

Off the top of your head, without thinking about it, name your top archeological mystery drama

This is the test

logged on so i can get the sexual thrill off being scolded for not caring enough about something

there are 10 ways to get a batsman out in cricket 1. Bowled 2. Caught 3. Leg Before Wicket (LBW) 4. Run Out 5. Stumped 6. Baffled 7. Trousers fell down 8. Jam first on scone 9. Not saying "thank you" after a delivery 10. Proved to be french

i love this Wikipedia illustration of the evolution of chicken tikka masala en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chicken...