Tonight’s the night 😍

Charlie Brown, do you like movies about gladiators?

[my gf on her death bed] idk, what do you want to eat?

For more quality content, you'll have to follow other people.

Stop paying attention to Marjorie Trailer Green. Stop it right now.

Seductively takes a double dose of cranberry pills

Any fans of ultramarine blue out there? Gulf Storm. 6”x6” oil painting

We clearly took a wrong turn at Albuquerque

"Lunchables" is a good name because it doesn't make any grandiose claims: "This is able to be eaten as lunch."

Snug as a bug or possibly on drugs, it’s hard to say.

*dabs gravy on my wrists* let the seducing commence

i don’t think i can wait until raccoons are actually domesticated. i’m just gonna go ahead and let them in my house

oh, you’re flat earther? well explain fat bottomed girls

You can tell how a woman feels about you by the way she twirls her hair and keys your car.

That Zoom call was cancelled. You can put that hoodie back on.

if by people skills you mean avoiding them then yes, i have people skills

*repeatedly yells "representative" into the abyss

Reverse Cowgirl so I can make us sandwiches

ME: i just saw a girl sitting on a tuffet eating curds WIFE: no way ME: no just curds

Anytime I see a lost kitten, I hold it up in the air and yell, “WHOSE PUSSY IS THIS?!”

Ah, another beautiful start to a day of insecurity, struggle and existential dread

i loved the ninja life but they don't let you have pets

How does one “make love” when it constantly exists?

Before I got married, I never realized you could sneeze like an asshole

Her: You better not be pissing on the toilet seat! Me: *pissing in the sink* Don't worry, I'm not.

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

I wanna lick this man like a yogurt lid.

Sunset cruise to see the St. Kilda Penguins. There are about 1600 fairy penguins that travel back to this sea wall nightly to bed down for the night.

Interviewer: why should we hire you? Me: so I can pay my rent

*calls mom* put the word out, im back on my bullshit

Why did the email making fun of the office weirdo go to everyone but me?

viewing your mom's onlyfans channel so we will have something to chat about at our first dinner with her

Saying stupid shit on the internet hasn't fixed me yet, but mama didn't raise no quitter.

Welcome to your 50s. SNACKS!!! That’s it. That’s the thought.

You lift weights over your shoulders I lift my ankles over his shoulders We are not the same

*finds a dead body* Me: IS IT CAKE?

You can jingle my bells, but not until the Thanksgiving dishes are done

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Do you live in a house or apartment? Yes…

Please admire my 88 year old grandfather’s grocery list

Trappist nanny is this anything

Sugar infused with dried flowers. Amazing in tea or sprinkled on a pound cake, cupcakes, truffles. And it’s so purty! That’s how we say pretty in the south!

Today’s goal, jar 150 for client gifts. Bourbon candied bacon chutney.

“Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown” ~ something I learned the hard way that one time I didn’t take my Burger King crown off at nap time.

sure, the sex IS great the end.

It’s almost like you all don’t even care that I’m having the best sex of my life. Harumph

I cook, he cleans I cum, he cleans Zero notes

DRINK WATER FROM THE SKULLS OF YOUR ENEMIES! IF YOU HAVE CRUSHED THEIR SKULLS, USE A GLASS.

The water flow in this Airbnb shower is best described as pressure washer. It may well be inspiring some pretty filthy sex.