my wife is an avid gardener and florist so if I die at least I know she won't be wasting any money on the funeral.

I'm mad because I did the same thing I always do and had the same outcome I always have.

Imagine your political views are so bad celebrities agree with you.

Cowboy outlaw: "Get a rope!" Me: "Is this jumprope ok?"

Wizard: "I cast Furball." DM: "Do you mean Fireball?" *tornado of angry kittens tears through the dungeon shredding everything in its path* Wizard: "I do not, no."

E = mc hammer²

The Hammer Singularity is upon us.

General Relativity suggests that if it's Hammer Time, it's also Hammer Space.

Think i'm gonna get fired from the fabric store. I knocked over a shelf of sewing supplies and I've been on pins and needles ever since.

Her first words to me were, "Don't hold your breath." She was a terrible swimming instructor.

I see both sides. Your side just appears to be monumentally stupid however.

What if there's only violence and hatred because nobody has tried dipping donuts in extra frosting?

I'm not gonna say if it's fake or not. I just know I've never met a patriot who owned apple cider vinegar.

I have no idea, but like in an endearing way like when a confused puppy tilts its head sideways.

I'm not overly concerned. In fact, based on past experience, I'm almost certainly under-concerned.

The people in your political party believe 1984 was about the other political party but Orwell was describing all political parties.

Now with 15% more nougat.

I don't like labels, which makes my wife very angry when she sees the cans in the pantry.

Fight fascism, but not my party's fascism, the other kind.

My wife hates it when the restaurant makes a fuss on her birthday so I always tell the waitress it's my birthday instead.

Sorry the Paint Your Own Pottery place you never thought about going to closed down.

I had no idea #Veganuary was a thing. I feel like I missed out on 26 days to mock something mercilessly.

It's only a scary time if you're listening to those telling you to be scared.

Imagine if you were enraged by smarter things?

Thinking about taking a sympathy snow day tomorrow, stay safe out there.

I'm not sure how I should feel please post the appropriate Spongebob meme.

Remember, put on a sweater or something idk.

When you don't get the car figurine

I hope your significant other decides to impose Family Game Night.

If I say "Interesting." it's because I was thinking about something other than what you were saying.

It's annoying that we already had so many existing problems to solve before these assholes created a bunch of new ones for no reason

The problem with your utter failure is never that you didn't utter failure hard enough.

This rotary club is awful. Turns out it's just a bunch of dudes who drive Mazdas

I'm starting to think he just really wants to nuke something.

I think there should be a cosmic horse beyond our comprehension.

I know words, I don't see the big deal.

The politician you hate said something you're sure you disagree with.

You sheep just accept there's not enough employees for self checkout.

sometimes these things I cause just happen.

Jerry know.

This 70 year old lady on the plane is wearing a mask. I assume she's an ICE agent.

What is wrong with me?

You say you hate cops but your Judy Hops fan art says otherwise.

I'm aware no one asked me.

stubbed my toe and thought of you.

May one of your fork tines be very slightly bent just enough that it annoys you but not enough for you to try to bend it back.

it's probably best if you don't think about it too much. I'm with the billionaires on this one.