So many words left unspoken. I guess that's how 'reading' works though.

Conspiracy theory: The luxury handbag industry is behind the lack of pockets in women's clothing.

Happy Tax Day! All taxation is theft of labor and all theft of labor is slavery. Love you!

Have you ever been in bed and fallen asleep? That stuff goes so hard.

I got early onset cataracts because I’m just so wise and even the less dumb stuff looked dumb as hell to me.

You are perfect the way you are! (not you).

your eyesight gets worse as you get older because the stuff you look at keeps getting dumber.

It's not that I hate The Masters, I just don't follow tennis.

Compliance kept saying "conflict of interest." I hated to tell them the job wasn't at all interesting.

I can't believe those moron conspiracy theorists believe the government is lying about going to the moon. Did I say going to the moon? I meant the Epstein files.

They say you see what you want to see, but I wanted to see Army of Darkness but my wife didn't want to watch it.

The Magic Eye poster of the soul.

My uncle was buried with his banjo. OSHA said if he hadn't been playing it the mine shaft probably wouldn't have collapsed.

Panning for gold and scooping the litter box are the exact same skill.

A jack of no trades and a master of a similar number of trades.

I'm guessing the mall isn't gonna call back regarding my Easter Bunny application.

The entire Middle east is currently on fire, so when your state bans recreational campsites this summer for air quality I suggest giving them your most aggressive middle fingers.

Proud to announce my new business has achieved the highest possible rating on this arbitrary scale I just made up.

Just mailing post-it notes that say "I declare total victory." to all my creditors.

Welp, it's back to the drawing-and-quartering board.

It’s all going a bit 1940.

I just hope the nuclear apocalypse is over before the weekend, I have a coupon for free bread sticks.

Armageddon is terrible, but our only other option was diversity trainings at work.

It's time to send the people in white coats to collect the bloke in the White House. Send them in tanks, if necessary.

At least we no longer have to wonder what would happen if one of those cartoon villains actually took over a country.

You see 2 doors with 2 guards: 1 guard usually tells the truth, the other also usually tells the truth but has a slightly different lived experience and incentives. You can ask as many questions as you want but therly're not going to let you in because access control is important

fucken sponsibilities

no sense waiting for the other shoe to drop, the bully knotted the laces super tight when he threw them into the power lines.

Sorry I've been quiet, I saw an Ebay listing for "Vintage Rollerblades."

Hello, Nutella, I need to return this jar as it doesn't float gracefully around the room.

Happy 50% Off Easter Candy Day!

I would never ask if you're stupid! We can probably figure that out together.

You don't need to be unhappy, but it's a lot easier to just start off there.

Sistine Chapel Roan would be a good indy band name if I knew who Chappell Roan was, or what the Sistine Chapel was.

I think if we ever bring the dinosaurs back though DNA I hope scientists can also create an artificial meteor.

If you're having a bad day, remember somewhere there's a werewolf who's allergic to dogs.

"can you imagine?" yes that's the main problem.

I rescued the elephant in the room from the circus.

Guy at the party claimed he was a ghost hunter so I asked, "Oh yeah? How many have you killed?" No way I'm getting one-upped at a party on a Thursday.

I've heard people say they were at a loss, but never that they were at a found.

they aren't even pretending to be smart anymore.

I'll say one thing about RFK Jr, at least he knows pee is in the balls.

I hope we're living in a simulation and for half of us the world is round and for the other half it really is flat.

I'm gonna grab two or three samples at Costco. I need a realistic evaluation of how I'm gonna feel when I get home and eat the entire box.

It's so sad that people dismissively hate me for my political views when if they just got to know me there are scores of other more deeply concerning reasons to hate me.

The ladies in Costco didn't appreciate my suggestion that if they wanted to block the aisle more effectively they could stack their carts on top of each other.

Good luck to whoever now has the job of destroying the Epstein files.

She's now the Dow-ager AG.