I like to think Wile E Coyote knows Acme products will fail but they're the only company that will issue a coyote a credit card.

I like to think that every word tells a story....um... part of one, anyway.

My family stopped speaking to me when they all joined that mime cult.

I HAVE RETURNED AS THE ANCIENT ZOOM MEETING INVITE FORETOLD.

Thank you for interviewing me. Yes, my left hand is offscreen. No, it's just my left hand is currently stuck in a jar. Why? There's a piece of fruit in the jar I'd like to eat later. Let go of the fruit? But I just explained I'd really like to eat that piece of fruit.

are you spending your energy on how others see you, or how you see yourself?

Who decided where pets would go to the bathroom? Cats: Here's a tiny sandbox. Rabbits: You know what? You get a sandbox too. Dogs: You get the entire backyard. All of it. Fish: ??????? Birds: Let's have you be the sole reason physical newspapers still exist.

"Did you even read the article?" is so rude. Of course I didn't read it, I was too excited about commenting.

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 (Not my Wordle, just playing with blocks this morning)

We need a new word for when your strategic blunder gets strategic blunderer.

Where does, "I have no fear I've outlived far better men." belong in the cover letter?

We have a lot in common: you have no idea what you're doing and I have no idea what you're doing.

today's kids probably don't even know to ride their bikes though the neighborhood today looking for unlit fireworks.

The Bicentennial was better.

I love you SBS wife: awwww SBS: (pausing tv on Burger King commercial) you say something?

I ask myself, am I delusional? Version of myself standing 10 feet away wearing a bunny costume: "Nah, you're good."

Oh no no, I'm a "vampire" "hunter" not a "vampire hunter." I get that a lot.

Self-deprecation, but for others.

Governments are great except for their desire to destroy anyone who would ignore them.

My wife likes to do these playful little relationship tests to see how I'll react. I think. I wasn't really listening.

I totally disagree with you, but in a fun way!

Hey @Disney make a live action Bambi you cowards!

I am worse than I will be and better than I was.

Things were so dire in the 70's and 80's that they thought private eyes were sexy.

This lady's honking is so annoying! I get that she's a clown and it's her job.

haha witty observation that masks a deeply troubling societal truth we're not prepared to grasp yet.

It's pride month so I bought a white peach Red Bull. I waited until after dark to drink it, obviously.

It's hard to make friends as a bird. If you don't believe me, try being tarred and feathered.

There are still some farmers that grow the Gros Michel but not on large scales

Hey, in case your day was going too well, artificial banana doesn't taste like banana for a far more depressing reason than you think. The variety of banana the flavor was based on has since gone extinct, so no modern bananas taste like that anymore.

Like a wedding in Arkansas, it's all relative.

Don't worry about survival. Somebody's got to be the zombie.

It's been a long time since I've been to a mall. I had no idea Victoria's Secret had changed their name to Victorias Patriotic Duty For Government To Maintain Access To This Information For Our Security And The Public Good.

The universe owes you nothing.

if you're about to gat your arm amputated a funny thing to do would be to say "Unhand me this instant!" because surgery is very complex, you shouldn't rush these things.

Let’s not argue about who did what. I’d rather argue about where was how.

Ever meet anybody and been like, "you are a fraction short of a halfway house."

I wouldn't say "descent into madness." it's more of a lateral move.

Why does our own blood taste weird shouldn't it just taste like us?

Remember when companies tried to make sloths cool?

if evolution is real, explain why only the cheetah has developed the ability to create Flamin' Hot Cheetos. Checkmate evolutionists!

Like grandpa used to say: Expect ducky, prepare for demon ostrich.

Do not be the one who believes things to be ducky when they are not.

Know when to say when. For example, during the second and fifth words of this post felt about right.

My most controversial opinion is that all the non-binary people today were the students who answered "present" during attendance.

I'm sorry when I said my hobbies included angling I meant leaning to one side.

It's cute you think you have RBF and aren't just distinctly unpleasant to be around.

They say you have to spend money to make money. So I buy things and return them.

Been thinking about the best group of animals to get mauled by and I gotta say, I think "otter attack survivor" has a nice ring to it.