This meeting could have been a TikTok no one sees.

what if we kissed for the cameras your honor

If you die, you die in real life

Sometimes it's not about the destination, but the sinkhole that opened up and swallowed everything down into infernal darkness along the way.

If you get enough Trump appointees at an intelligence meeting, there's an antimatter reaction.

Rapture < Bibimbapture

my stupid therapist doesnt give a shit about getting my lore from all my environmental storytelling

The escalator is Antifa! It will be arrested and deported back to Escalatador.

the world is so messed up! why dont wizards use their magic? whats chronomancy even for? isnt it about time?

*prostheticles*

pfft this rapture could’ve been an email

I have chronic fart syndrome because my mom had beans when she was pregnant.

I am mondayphobic because my mom had lasagna when she was pregnant.

Don’t forget to leave cookies and milk out for the rapturer tonight.

sorry, rapture, i have work tomorrow. do you tho

penis vagina or a secret third thing

I don't just fart, I tell a story with my ass.

with a little love we can make this amazon warehouse an amazon warehome

I think I'm gonna get fired. Boss told me to fly to India, but I don't have the upper arm strength.

Extra virgin olive oil is so expensive due to rarity. Olives just really like to fuck.

woke up in a quantum field, equilibrated but the state is mainly fluxed

Them: let's eat outside Me: ignores food and hyperfixates on the slightest insect activity

A tree in hell, forever burning, endlessly bleeding eternal resin.

Them: Back that ass up! Me: *3D prints a second donkey*

Happy Rapture Eve! Who horny?

My email will find you, and it will kill you.

Accidentally searched government shitdown

If @netflix.com was smart, it would make itself known as THE place for comedians, and ditch associations with Trump.

You know what really floats my boat? The JML BoatFloater 3000, as seen on TV

so, what you’re telling me is that the bad guys are bad guys

I joke a lot about sex for someone that doesn’t have any

Out on the bounding main. Ok back in from the bounding main.

On the outside, I appear calm. On the inside, I'm a fish pulled from the water flopping around at the bottom of a trawler.

I'm sorry I ever wanted anything. I'll stop immediately.

a show called narcos but it’s just a feed of people sleeping

I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that my cats got into the bathroom and are watching me shower. Or that they looked bored.

I scream, you scream, we all scream cuz it’s all fucked. So very, very fucked.

the garage sale down the street is where it’s at I got two turntables and a microphone

Let’s do some roleplay. I’ll be American democracy and you can be Trump trying to fuck me to death.

Which is your favorite Hunt? 1. Ethan 2. Helen 3. For Red October

That broken phone was uncalled for

i know i seem creepy for stealing peoples organs but ive got heart

If antifa was really a cohesive organization, the right wouldn't be able to be doing a fascism right now.

If you warm up sangria, you get fruit soup.

I just assume all Republican men are closeted gays. You know, like pastors, priests, militia members, etc.

scrotal recall

cat is short for category 5 purricane

With my DMs locked, it makes it hard to confess your undying love to me, but if you love me that much, you'll do it on main.

you either die a video game hero or live long enough to see yourself become the final boss

I apologize for my recent political jokes they were mistakes they should have been posted when someone more important died