Yeah, well I've been on a Jet3 holiday, Maureen

Now would be a great time for some of those FBI redactors to start leaking details anonymously.

Missed Connection: Years of Entropic Decay and General Neglect I met you in a nameless empty void. We were assigned a temporal bond that eroded with time and distance, unraveling slowly by the grind of daily life.

If the Northern Lights and Southern Lights touch at the equator, all of the ghosts will eacape.

I hope some day I have all of the creative ingenuity of the person who named the waterfall.

That scene in Oh Brother, Whee Art Thou? Where they literally ride the guy out of town on a rail, but it is the result of the Epstein Files being released.

The number of once in a lifetime events I have witnessed or experienced is statically improbable.

That Adam Sandler movie where he has a remote control to fast forward his life through the boring parts, but I just use it to get to the spot where the Epstein Files hit home for some big orange dill weed.

no no the toymaker is geppetto pinocchio is geppetto’s monster

The EPSTEIN FILES are NOT a political thing. THEY ARE A CRIMINAL THING. Know the difference.

Awoken by the unmistakable sound of lime sherbet releasing from its container into a waiting 7up filled punch bowl.

The aurora borealis is the new beaver moon.

Excuses are just echoes of future regrets, haunting you for the choices you failed to make.

This meeting could have been an ominous portent viewed by a skilled haruspex.

Not only should Schumer be removed from his leadership role, he should face a class action suit by all of the people who suffered for the more than a month of the shutdown that he betrayed.

Times are hard, but just remember that matronly figure who takes away the rubbish is a garbage ma’am.

Nopevember

Alls I need is someone to pet me and give me a snack to keep me occupied while you clean out my closet and then a TREAT for having such a clean closet!

As a semi-sane person I had no idea I'd be yelling at my microwave and dryer this often

Reverse clowngirl, so I can honk your balls

Deerios: Venison cereal

The pubes barber can really cut a rug.

Sticky dairy product called AdCheeseive

Didn't they also put decals on the White House interior glass doors so Dubya wouldn't walk into them?

why pay thousands for a therapist when you could just have a very intense conversation with a green goblin mask?

A little Trumpcession, anyone?

I once accidentally introduced two Gregs to each other

Next on the menu: UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE!

I hope everyone has told the moon she’s beautiful tonight

whenever i have a can of dr pepper open i think "surely there's still some in that" whenever i have a can of water open i think "who tf drinks water from a can what is wrong with you dude"

say what you will, but i'm willing to bet you've never had a more sensual high five

You know it's getting close to the end of the year when people (me) start saying "this side of Christmas" at work

The Pledge of Allegiance should be more like’, “One nation, under fraud, clearly visible, with bribery and corruption for all.”

It's kinda scary how readily the people in charge admit they don't know anything about anything.

Voting should be required by law and be made as easy as possible.

everybody: go look at the moon! moon: *blushes*

my productivity plan for all this darkness is to take a million naps

A tidal wave of change ushers in a new administration that endeavors to undo all the harm inflicted from 2016 onwards in an attempt to actually make America great for perhaps the first time.

Do you think instead of pardoning a turkey this Thanksgiving, he's going to have Don Jr. shoot one on the White House front lawn and then pardon him?

friendly reminder to set your clocks on fire tonight. time still isn't real!

A miniature anthropomorphic village kicks open the door to the anatomy saloon. The living villa stares daggers at me. I point at it in shock. “What’s a town like you doing inside a girl like this?!” I exclaim, providing relevant backstory as well as a punchline. Pause for laugh.

Give us Lord our daily fiber. Forgive us our diets' lack of fruits and vegetables. Save us from the leftover Halloween candy. Now and Later, Good & Plenty. Amen.

I eat a lot of eggs because I fucking hate chickens.

heard the egg nog crop this year is insane

commanding the forces of darkness to do the dishes

Trump brings the ding-dong to ping-pong diplomacy.

the movie about fishing had such good casting

Meth is the opposite of youth, and that's why it gives you wrinkles and makes your teeth fall out.