People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.” People: wait no, why are you like that

I see lots of you are talking to Mitch McConnell and I just want to know why?

some are dreamboats i’m more a shipwreck

me: at least allow me to explain also me: *has no explanation*

Guys. I don’t know how long before they get to me, but before they do… Carmen San Diego is currently in Sandusky, Ohio. I’ve said too much. I’ve got to go.

guy: how was yalls weekend? 2nd guy: i did diddly squat 3rd guy who has a scat fetish: oooh tell us more about that

Googles: how many spiders is too many spiders to eat while sleeping

I contain multitudes, and that's why I need to go to the bathroom constantly.

I’m going to start referring to it as socialist media. In the same way that someone from Michigan or Wisconsin calls it Walmarts no matter how many times they have been corrected. As an example: “What fresh inanity did our President spew on Truth Socialist last night?”

how do you know who’s in charge on a bicycle built for two

Gatekeep me. Gatekeep me so hard.

Who called it taking communion, not father son and holy toast?

I asked my weather monger for his freshest raincloud. "Which type?" he clarified, "One that evokes a memory, or a dream?"

Scientists insist on calling fossilized dinosaur poop "coprolites" even tho "dino nuggies" was right there.

im gonna reverse our power dynamic by... aw crap i just made you twice as powerful

That's it. You flipped your last flop

Ah darn, these boots must just be lava-resistant, not lava-proof. Hell of a way to find out, lemme tell ya.

Angry, concerned, and bereft At the tyranny, hatred, and theft, When they’re finally out, We’ll restore things no doubt, That is, if there’s anything left.

Let’s not argue about who did what. I’d rather argue about where was how.

damn girl, you sound like someone whose baby got nepotized

Get in nipplenuts, we're going galavanting!

Filling my waterbed with mac and cheese is one of the best ideas I’ve ever had.

i feel a bit understaffed to be operating as a person

Emus don't care if your insurance company is ripping you off.

Can’t. Too busy fucking myself like that rude guy said i should.

garbageman told me if i don’t start taking my garbage more seriously he’s going to send me down to the minor league

Don't mind me Just gleaming the Cube

Please, customer service representative, stop saying “no worries.” Of course there are worries. Have you read the news lately?

They changed the texture and flavor of my favorite tortilla chips. Is there nothing enshittification won't touch?! I scream to no one.

Just a rant: TikTok keeps showing me ads and sponsored content that is Christian-based. Every time, I block the account. This has been going on for weeks. I block probably 5-10 accounts a day. You would think algorithmically it would have stopped by now…

I hired a headless horseman for your baby shower pls respond

JESUS CHRIST CAN’T A WOMAN SIGH LOUDLY OVER AND OVER AGAIN IN PEACE

Gonna spend the day at the dump watching the seagulls try to fuck the raccoons.

good morning only to the folks who are up and ready to hear the words “good morning!” for the people not ready yet, i’ll leave this post up for when you are

Is that a portmanteau in your pants Or are you just happy to semen

"Trust the process" I whisper as the void lord continues consuming the process.

friend: i had an out of body experience me: i had an out of money experience

Dicks out for temperature regulation.

I’m not interested in dating apps. I’m interested in friendship-wingman apps. Who is going to build me this app. Who wants to go out this weekend

nibbling on your nooks and chomping on your crannies

I want the best of all of us, mostly because that includes me, the main character.

Takes out your tampon with my teeth.

Tried taking her Spanx off with my teeth and now I’m in a neck brace.

looking for someone to play with my hair and tell me a story until i fall asleep, you can even share my fluffy comforter if you want just try to fart outside of it so we don’t die

my wife is leaving for a trip tomorrow and the dogs and i are not sure who’s going to be in charge for the week

World: (turns) Fire: (starts burning)

We’re all putting out a fire in the same building. Billy Joel’s in the lobby saying nobody started it, and I’m pretty sure half the crowd holding the hoses brought matches.

Save Ferrix: Cassian Andor’s Day Off

AIn’t. The new search engine that only returns results that are 100% AI free.

Calm your tits first then apply moisturizer. There's an order to things.