One thought a day feels like it should be enough.

Silent letters? All of them are. Mail doesn't talk, you knave!

Never say never, but always say always. At least I think that’s how it works.

You used to have to be either stupid or evil to support the GOP, but now you have to be both.

i gave my friend a puppet with no strings attached and they didnt even say thanks

I have experienced many futuristic dystopias in fiction, so why does the real one have to be so boring? We have the technology. I should be in a glass dome house while a horrific monster devours the lifeblood of the planet.

Participating in the American Dream (waiting in a line to see Christmas lights)

(watching the kids open presents) Whatcha got there, Sport? Can of soup?!

It being a few days past Christmas, go on and order those full price nightgowns you told your husband to buy you when they were 1/2 off months ago. So what if the tea kettle you hinted about falls into the cart too. So what?

(sticks one pinky toe out from underneath the covers then quickly draws it back) Gonna snow.

Well, that's it. Christmas over for another year. Pack up your tinsel and your reindeer novelty underpants.

saw a billboard that said ‘i am charlie kirk’ and i thought that must be awkward because i bet he didn’t believe in reincarnation

Can't enjoy haiku Until I do the counting Trust but verify

Is Apeshit more or less crazy than Batshit? I need some clarity here, maybe a scale of crazy. And why are these two at the top? I bet Porcupine crazy is next level.

Face down ass up, but It's just me as the wheelbarrel in this field day race

I WILL NOT BE SHAMED INTO AGREEING THAT THREE FROZEN WAFFLES IS THREE SERVINGS. WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY

People who notice cool birds are better lovers everybody knows that

everybody asks 𝘸𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 is waldo but nobody asks about the environmental impact of his private plane

Once I stead this home, y’all bitches is cooked.

How I’m wearing a Grinch Stole

Dear Christmas whatever, I hope you’re strong enough I had tequila

Bro, you're not even casting an ominous cloud of despair over the festivities, are you okay?

them: someones here for you me: is it someone from the arcade about my hi-scores?

How the Grinch made a new recipe for Soylent Green

bad news: the last slice of pizza didn’t fix me maybe if I had had just one more

The VERY best way to look like you haven't had a facelift is to not get a facelift.

Don't you think it's freaky that we had to sneek a tv show episode from another country bc our Govt wouldnt let us see it?

No no no. Trumpenstein is the doctor’s name. Trump is the monster.

I was born to wake up because my horse is nudging me next to a cold campfire not a Samsung alarm tone

Him: You have the most beautiful eyes! Me: Thank you, I use them for crying.

For the last year, I have hesitated to agree with people who’ve asserted that Trump is a pedophile. But after this massive cover up, it’s clear he’s Hell-bent on hiding the evidence. There’s only one reason- the public would conclude that he’s guilty.

well someone needs to rouse this rabble

Gonna wear my wedding dress to family dinner on Christmas Day.

hot cocoas in your area want to trick you into scalding your tongue

A sporting goods store is a place you can buy a hockey stick or a baseball. A sporting bads store is a place where you can buy OJ Simpson memorabilia or the 1919 Chicago White Sox.

I’m still trick-or-treating. The people have run out of candy. One lady gave me the keys to her Buick. Another guy hit me with a broom

The greatest reason for Trump's political downfall is himself.

Wearing an "A" on my sweater to show everyone that I am an excellent student

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

can i take a turn on the having lots of money?

Maybe I don't want to up n' at 'em. Maybe I just want to down n' quite far away from 'em.

Thanks for cheering me up tonight Bsky. Y'all take the day off tomorrow. Tell your boss Lizzy said it's ok

we have tallied the results of the annual shirt accessory choice survey and its a tie

I really hope Johnson gets convicted of treason.

Give the perfect gift this holiday season as the threads of reality unravel like an ugly sweater. It's sweet festive oblivion.

Happy Epstein Listmas Eve!

He did it! Congrats Trump, you surpassed Liberty Mutual commercials as the most stupid messaging on national television.

After school special on the streets, public information film in the sheets

this is just like what i saw in the tv static