🎶it's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife / it's meeting the man of my dreams / and then realizing he's just a pile of more fucking spoons IT'S LIKE SPOOOOONS ON YOUR WEDDI

me: *using normal speaking voice* jason statham: *eyes narrow* narrator: this summer, jason statham shuts up the bad guys in… The Librarian

good morning only to people who aren’t planning and doing war crimes

seems like a good day to not be the stupidest and wrongest person in recent history

curled up like a whorl of smoke in the blue light, watching warm bodies sway and sweat as i sip a whiskey sour letting the lemon bite my lips like a yearning lover overtaken by the thump of a rhythm only he can hear

Just got off the phone with the President, he does not know if his refrigerator is running.

All I want for my next birthday is one of them cartoon sandwiches where you shuffle all the ingredients together into one mile high sammich.

You've been struck by, you've been hit by, a disintegration beam.

just a heads up: the shaolin and the wu-tang could be dangerous

The gap in my resume is when my brain and body were telling me that working is stupid.

just want to remind everyone on this Easter weekend that the only time Jesus threw hands was with the moneychangers at the temple trying to make bank off of the devout

Booming voice from the sky: "Prepare to receive the Word of God! Your revelation may be recorded for quality and training purposes."

A woman scorned… An epic opportunity for revenge… A leak of the files and a plea deal?

New sign for the White House just dropped

show us your eggs, i yell into your secret crevice

listen i’m so sorry your parents named you chet but that is no reason to charge me with manslaughter, your honor

*licks finger and holds it up against the sky Yep the pecker gnats are gonna be fierce this year.

I never want to be part of a random that has me as a member

[sick techno beat] i’m a good day haver twisted good day haver [sick techno escalates]

(waking in a cold sweat 42 hours after trying to remember something) Todd. The second oldest boy's name was Todd.

Pretty done with those who say "Reach out, you're not alone" when I'm feeling down. I know, ffs. Being surrounded by people is most of the problem.

ill be following the trail of breadcrumbs but only cuz i like eating stuff off the floor

The floor is screaming ever time you walk on it. The walls are bleeding. The ceiling is waiting to crash down and punish you for sinning against the foundations. The house grows hungry.

Went to Medieval Times, but they modeled everything off of Tang Dynasty China and they wouldn't even joust for me

don’t forget to floss your toes tonight

Appropriating every piece of police propaganda about "backing the blue" and making it about supporting the blue-blooded horseshoe crabs

But always remember, through all of this chaos, grief, and gaslighting....Trump is playing 4-Dementia Chess.

I fill my body with tiny spiders at night in hopes that by morning they'll have mended all the cracks and the fissures.

Star Wars had the clone war, we get the drone war. Our Jar Jar Binks is Speaker Johnson, or really any cabinet member.

Adding crunchy bits of Metamucil fiber thin to my unsweetened Greek yogurt so I can snuffle around in it for enrichment.

I see your Baghdad Bob and raise you with Tehran Don.

Excuse me. You’re standing in the way of my origin story…

I'm just glad Billy Joel isn't around to see how much worse it got after the cola wars.

And to think, we could have had a woman President instead of whatever this is… Twice.

Psychologists who insist on referring to fun as “eustress” aren’t a lot of eustress at parties.

Counting children’s decaying teeth instead of sheep to go to sleep

It’s all party over country and never the bride or some such

i showed you my plan for the hormuz strait please respond

Those who live in glass houses, should not throw stones. BUT if you must, throw them at someone with at least 34 felony convictions.

If you love someone, set them free. If you love them a lot, advise that they never return.

good morning only to people who have avoided having an anvil fall from the sky onto their head, leaving a comically large bump. stay safe out there

if i ever had a baby i would play basketball with it it would look so cute swishing through the net

“still steampunk” i say as i adjust my spectagoggles and wind up my clockwork heart

Bringin' the trash can a little closer and putting my arm around it.

What if they went back in time and changed it to veja dù? What then? Have we talked about this already? I feel like we have. We have, haven’t we?

it's friday night, so if you go to the white house, you'll find don and jd sitting in front of a computer wearing bras on theirs heads, trying to create a woman

what if we all just started screaming what then

URGENT -- the Trump administration is REFUSING to say how many Americans are dying in the Iran war. Read that again. The government is HIDING the truth about American casualties. Which means they are likely FAR HIGHER than the numbers being reported in the media. Tristan Snell

Maybe the real treasure was the friends we sacrificed to the unspeakable demon horror along the way.