The cops are on TV taking credit for a guy committing suicide in his storage locker. #2025 has been wild.

Top 10 Christmas Carol cover bands: - Sleigher - Awreatha Franklin - Faith No Myrrh - Nine Inch Noels - Saint Nickleback - Naughty or Nice by Nature - The Whoville - Taylor's Gift - Bon Jovial - Lil Nas Xmas

Sometimes, in the morning, it takes me a year to wake up.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

I knew a Venus Mantrap once

She was eye-catching, like an unfortunate fishing accident.

Guy with a twitchy fist, nicknamed "pop-a-bear"

Sexual acts? I wasn't acting!

well, my autopsy came back negative. what does that mean

IKEA is Swedish for kindling.

Touched by madness, but it's consensual.

i quit pumpkin spice i'm on the patch

Sry boss can’t today I’ve got worker’s block

Anything can be a suppository if you suppose hard enough.

Nothing like a hearty midwestern breakfast (opemeal)

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

California sober: high & dry.

Stayed up all night and it finally dawned on me

A generous lover: going above & beyond the call of booty.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys.