me: *trying to flirt* I wanna be pregnant with your mind babies

Who called it the Black Sea, not Cry Me An Ocean? (This is the Crimean joke you never asked for)

Craving an authentic NYC seedy underbelly with cream cheese.

a glory hole but for bedtime stories

everyone has a book in them but most have it removed at birth

ooh here she comes watch out boy she’ll suck you up ooh here she comes she’s an anteater

“Ernie,” Bert said, “it’s quite crass For you to go making a pass At some guy walking near While the nice puppeteer Is there with his hand up your ass.”

post harder not smarter

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.” People: wait no, why are you like that

He stepped closer, smelling like pine trees and… something else. He smelled like grandpa’s homemade cedar potpourri and… something else. He smelled like old whiskey in a cave on a rainy night with hints of marmalade jam, and also… something else. He smelled like a smell I’ve always never known.

Superman used to jerk off really quick when he was changing in phone booths so the government took them away.

right now it’s just a hole, it’s up to you to make it glorious

Gatekeep me. Gatekeep me so hard.

AIn’t. The new search engine that only returns results that are 100% AI free.

Let’s not argue about who did what. I’d rather argue about where was how.

You (boorish, uneducated): I see a woodchuck. Me (refined, erudite): Ah yes, a forestcharles.

Satisfaction guaranteed, or we're really sorry.

Scientists insist on calling fossilized dinosaur poop "coprolites" even tho "dino nuggies" was right there.

I asked my weather monger for his freshest raincloud. "Which type?" he clarified, "One that evokes a memory, or a dream?"

Who called it taking communion, not father son and holy toast?

馬から鷺鳥の衣を脱ぐ

Ah darn, these boots must just be lava-resistant, not lava-proof. Hell of a way to find out, lemme tell ya.

*after eating 12 Fudgesicles* Me: Time to get to work! You: They actually sell popsicle sticks at craft stores. Me: Don't question my art!

The cops are on TV taking credit for a guy committing suicide in his storage locker. #2025 has been wild.

Top 10 Christmas Carol cover bands: - Sleigher - Awreatha Franklin - Faith No Myrrh - Nine Inch Noels - Saint Nickleback - Naughty or Nice by Nature - The Whoville - Taylor's Gift - Bon Jovial - Lil Nas Xmas

Sometimes, in the morning, it takes me a year to wake up.

I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.

I knew a Venus Mantrap once

She was eye-catching, like an unfortunate fishing accident.

Guy with a twitchy fist, nicknamed "pop-a-bear"

Sexual acts? I wasn't acting!

well, my autopsy came back negative. what does that mean

IKEA is Swedish for kindling.

Touched by madness, but it's consensual.

Sry boss can’t today I’ve got worker’s block

Anything can be a suppository if you suppose hard enough.

Nothing like a hearty midwestern breakfast (opemeal)

One of the most rewarding aspects of parenting is watching your kids develop skills you never dreamt possible. She’s only seven, but my daughter just spilled her milk telepathically.

California sober: high & dry.

Stayed up all night and it finally dawned on me

A generous lover: going above & beyond the call of booty.

It's like shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys.