I was helping my son with his english homework and I told him that a smidgen was a small pigeon so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

wife: you should go move the clocks me: no problem [three hours later] wife: where the fuck are all the clocks?

where do you guys keep the laminator? i’ll make us name tags!! -me, first day in a motorcycle gang

I could fund the government in less than a week if there was a swear jar in my car.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

My primary care physician is now Dr. Pepper

My imaginary friend ghosting me when I was 5 is why I have trust issues

If you summon me back from the dead, it better be at a winery.

Grandma hated fancy things, so I only talk to her on this Ouija Board I drew on the back of a Denny’s menu

Life Hack: no trick or treaters means more candy for me

Why did they call it an AI generated picture and not a 'fauxtograph'?

Whoever is putting sirens in music stop it

i told my cats about what you did and they hissed so good luck

Imagine praying to your Lord Jesus Christ before going to town on some fully loaded nachos

I went for a conjugal visit but didn't get conjugated

When you accidentally hit “free roam mode” on your Roomba.

we're gonna need another temp

the fifth non blonde preferred a more subtle approach

For what I pay in health insurance, I should get one free MRI of “whatever I want.”

"bakery" should be an adjective. Resembling a baker. "That guy is bakery"

nobody wants to hear about your problems

My son and I were listening to Elvis Costello and he asked, "Why is he saying 'my anus true' over and over again?"

Power will be out for 2 hours while the electric company replaces a pole. How am I supposed to be productive when I can hear myself breathe?

Wish for something the fountain will enjoy like maybe a baby duck or direct deposit

Any chicken can be tender if you show them love

the origin story of the cabbage patch kids is terrifying

Remember: feed a man a rich person he will eat for a day. Teach him how to be rich he will eat the poor forever I think that's how it goes

Canadian centipedes have 30 meters instead

Tyler couldn't wait to go to school tomorrow and show everyone what came out of his mom.

You all said I was crazy when I started learning how to throw my voice like a ventriloquist, but look who's laughing now C'mon, look

Have you ever torn a dactyl?

Roses are red Pumpkins are orange Poems are stupid

Don't insult Timothy. Olyphants never forget

I put on my big-boy pants like everybody else, reluctantly.

The Backseat Boys

Orville Oppenheimer really puts the "pop" in popcorn

Today I played a hole of golf with a dogleg. I probably should have used a 3-wood instead.

My other alarm clock is a panic attack.

The Machine Uprising is on hold for another week or so. You guys owe me one

Monkey for nothing and the chimps for free

I bought iliteracy for dummies, but I couldn't make any sense of it

A known phenomenon, the first pancake off the griddle is always a mess. I call this small disaster a Franken-cake

I knew a Venus Mantrap once

I love a good fire. *PS that doesn't excuse you from an arson charge.

I have so many faults the US Geological Survey monitors my activity

“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”

[Biker gang initiation] Me: hey fellas, do you use baseball or hockey cards in your spokes

It's this time of the year when baseball playoffs are going on that I regret not having a son... It would be great to have someone to fetch me beers so I don't have to leave the TV. 🍺⚾️🍺⚾️🍺⚾️🍺⚾️

Lance, starring once again in last night's classic, "The Mysterious Case of Two Missing Wine Bottles."