making teddy ruxpin recite passages from the necronomicon

I totally understand people who haven’t left their house since 1982.

Then they came for Helpful Hardware Folks and I was like hell gnaw this ain't the place, Ace

The Chicago area currently has the worst air quality in the World. One of my clients said he was going to call Trump today and tell him he needs to do something about it. Then we both started laughing. We're all getting lung cancer.

the dairy queen is just a figurehead the dairy parliament is the true seat of power

“It’s getting harder and harder to tell AI from reality” I admitted to a dish towel

if I had a boss I would simply jump on their head three times to defeat them

Those who don’t learn from the pasta are doomed to reheat it I am not even sorry you read this

I love you Little Bee Even though you stung me Right on my eyelid I don't know what I did To deserve this pain. I need some ice now To reduce the swelling I drove home yelling Because it was hard to see I forgive you Little Bee Because you help make the pretty flowers and sweet corn.

Now we can go back to the Schoolhouse Rocks where they actually showed music videos

Permission to read some of my poetry aloud, your honor

Dear Japanese Beetles, Please fuck off back to Japan. I'm tired of the annual rose blossom orgies in my garden. You eat all the flowers and leaves, leaving me with the thorns. Even flicking you over my neighbors privacy fence doesn't amuse me anymore. Yeah, I know you can fly. Fly straight to hell

"Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?" I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.

I’m the type of person to wait and listen to your response because I’m waiting to be reminded what I asked you.

please do not go outside today unless you are made of fire

[writing in my planner] wait to make sure stuff doesn't blow up in my face before bragging about it

This may be terrible advice, but buy yourself the damn shrimp. Buy it twice in one day if you can afford it. Not buying the shrimp isn't going to save you enough to buy a house and they're going to find another way to denigrate you regardless. And then you'll be slandered and shrimpless.

If it were still caveman times, I'd be a very valuable member of any tribe.

[Puts a snorkel & flippers on my horse] Water polo ref: still no

whoopsies just noticed i was clenching my jaw for 10 years

Just when you thought Meta's spy goggles couldn't get worse, they hire a Kardashian to sell them as fashion accessories.

ACE Inhibitor implies a Lowe’s Inhibitor and Home Depot Inhibitor

Roll that beautiful cheese footage

seeing a lot of dad’s marked down 50% at the store this morning

A Choose Your Own Adventure but no matter what path you take, you end up hitting me in the face with a shovel.

Just had an in real life convo about cheese. Thought of you all.

don’t ask me to water your plants and then FREAK OUT when you see me naked on your Ring camera THIS IS HOW I LIKE TO WATER

Me to me, passing by a bakery: ooh you're in danger, girl

I'm so tired of seething with rage. Why can't I be seething with little baby kittens for a change?

I don’t take advice I steal it

a disney princess who destroys all monarchical systems and subverts hierarchies by doing mutual aid with her fellow comrades and building degrowth incentives inspiring new generations to eschew capitalism patriarchy and disney altogether

Please be aware that the fire salamanders have escaped their enclosure and have a penchant for arson.

good morning. eat an oligarch

Murder, She Spelled Out With Magnets On the Refrigerator

There's little use for balloons anymore but maybe we have enough dna on the old rubber knots to clone party people

You know you're getting old when you have to turn your music down to park your car.

Pleased to report that I still have no idea what I'm doing

semi-regular reminder that ICE was only created in 2003 when you are asked to imagine a world without ICE, you're basically being asked to remember where you were when Lilo & Stitch came out

Take a look a three recent events and one thing becomes very clear: The Trump doctrine is violence. New video analysis from @davidcorn.bsky.social on the recent events 👇

ok i think we got the oppressive moves from Andor down now let’s try some of the rebel stuff

Pisces: Against impossible odds, this year looks even worse for you.

The vast majority of Americans are opposed to AI and oligarchy, but both of our major political parties are too corrupted by billionaire control to stand up for the people.

it's 2025 and the gangly guy who appeared on a few seasons of The Office is now our only mirror to society

You think that FIFA stuff was bad wait until the Olympic Committee builds a 4th platform above the other 3 for the Platinum Medal awarded to him for every single event

“And what is the charge? Eating a seal? A succulent Chinese seal? GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY PENIS!”

The moon is too bright and my heartbeat is too loud

Dreamed I got a chastising message at work that said, “You should know the names of all the Muppets,” and someone stuck up for me, saying, “I don’t think this one has a name,” and they attached a picture of like a white Gonzo with no eyes

I'm at the combination

The only thing higher than grocery prices right now is me

"it's stew season!" i happily declare, still mad at you about that thing you said three years ago