Do you think I can leave work early if I tell my boss the local shelter picked up a real beefy dog, and if I don’t go kiss his head I might die?

I ate a whole bag of this in under ten minutes last week and have had the same dream of a giant scorpion killing me every night since

You know when you get behind a logging truck and replay that scene from Final Destination until you switch lanes? Today I got behind a truck full of porta potties, and that was even scarier.

Went outta town last month. Bought a pill planner. Forgot to fill it. Brought my meds and the planner. Lost one bottle entirely. Still haven’t unpacked that bag, and I’ve been fishing pills out every day when I shower. ADHD pills. I think they’re really helping. 🙂‍↔️

In my next life I want to be a fat and happy giraffe on the lam.

I heard if I get a PhD, they’ll give me a sword, and I can’t think of a better way to communicate that I’m smart and lethal.

If I start a GoFundMe to suck the fat out of my back will you donate?

I may have claimed to be ALL THAT but I have never claimed to be all that and a bag of chips. I know my limits

imagining a grizzled hardboiled detective saying this while gripping some guy's lapels at a shady bar

Unfortunately this is my face whenever a man is nice to me

i bet a pufferfish could take a pretty big bong rip

I really wanna boof this energy drink, but I really don’t wanna look like a beer-can chicken sitting on the grill.

Not to brag or anything, but I don't need to drink alcohol to make bad decisions.

How much time would you need to get stupid hot before you let them turn you into a vampire and you’re stuck with your same look forever?

My recommendation, as always, is to panic.

It’s really not your place to tell my son he’s adopted.

I’m bored. Should I pierce something?

If Donald Trump is the answer, how stupid is the question?

When someone is knocking on your door trying to sell you something a fun game is to knock back but not answer.

You know who else's slit is 350 ft long?

Replacing Twitter with werewolf smut was probably a top 5 decision in my life.

I just need a Diet Coke and some Quaaludes to get through the day.

Being passionate about velour is my defining characteristic.

Swamp ass is a state of mind, and my mind is dripping wet.

I got back from a trip a week ago. My suitcase is still in my car. Today I had to dig through it for a clean outfit. Then I got dressed in my driveway. My only point is that my brain is ate up with ADHD. But my hair still looks good, so whatever.

Not Febreeze dropping a top tier insult

I find joy in sunny days and mayonnaise based salads.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT CRASH OUT. Folks are relying on you to be overstimulated, overwhelmed, & overcome so you won't resist. Take breaks, Take a breath, Be intentional with how you spend your time. Be effective with how you spend your energy. Support each other Rest, live, & fight another day.

Trump has deployed active military to help round up migrants and put them into detention camps. The military forced us out of our homes at gunpoint in 1942 because we were considered possibly disloyal Americans. They sent us to internment camps for four years. History is repeating. Pay attention.

You can learn a lot about someone, but why bother?

An Everlasting Gobstopper but it’s crab rangoon

I got high, and now I’m eating potato salad and watching Peppa Pig en español.

Which Watergate came first—the scandal or the salad?

It’s so hot my fart could light a cigarette.

What do I bring to the table? Wide set feet and a bad attitude.

Idk, that bunny looks pretty fucking cool.

Leave the space jokes to the cometians.

There’s a bear rescue here that just posted “A lady called and told us she saw an injured bear, so she *put him in her car* and is on her way to us. “Don’t” do that. Anyway we named him Turnip.”

I never knew fear until I handed my phone to a 4 year old for an hour.

My autistic ass unable to take a hint

I woke up like this, deranged

👍

If people tell you not to touch your face, keep things interesting by responding, “Oh, it’s not mine.”