I don't believe any of you are carrying around bingo cards.

It is what it is, and that is nothing

As a society, we gotta go back to casting some people out into the wilderness.

I want to be haunted by places and things, not food or people.

You can easily drop everything and come pick me up

I bought you a sword please respond.

Ok who the fuck left all this jam in here unpumped

Friend: go big or go home Me: home

happy birthday america, you fucking jackass

It’s ok to disagree on climate change, water over the bridge.

biblically accurate international space station

I’d much rather watch a concert with a little football game at intermission.

what i wouldnt give to be an alien zooming around the multiverse in cute little ufo

You ever just think about moss

However much water you’re drinking, it’s not enough. It will never be enough

I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

I would like to vote for the reptilian shapeshifters now, please.

Don't forget to look up at the sky

Now, more than ever, aliens

If there's one thing I've learned about getting older it's that you shouldn't

All I ask of you is that we hate the same things. We’ll walk side-by-side, hating things

we should eat the government

“Your password cannot be that stupid one you always try to use.”

This January feels longer than a Phish song.

Is there some kind of spa treatment where I can be sanded right back down to the original wood grain?

The United States of Fuck This Shit.

you are but microplastics, and to microplastics you shall return.

"All religion my friend, is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry." Edgar Allan Poe

I’m over forty. “The other day” is either three days or eighteen months ago.

nice credit score you got there. be a shame if it was all...imaginary

a gofundme for a cobb salad

I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.

If God closes a door to teach a man to fish, make lemonade

BREAKING: Scientists Agree to Halt Search for Amnesia Cure “Until Everything Stops Sucking”

Cicadas have it right. I'm tunneling underground. See you in 17 years to scream for a while.

As it turns out "let's wrap this up like a corpse in rug" isn't the universally recognized analogy that one would think

If you’re real quiet, you can hear my knees weeping as I approach this treadmill.

My daughter lost her first tooth and put it under her pillow. I replaced it with an even bigger tooth. She wants to play tooth games? Let's dance.

ok damn January got hands

i'm glad that nothing matters, but it's also kind of a bummer

We're renaming the Great Lakes to the Canada Lakes. 🇨🇦

Sorry I’ve been irritable for the past few always.

Anything can be a cat toy if you don’t want it to be