waiter: any allergies the chef should be made aware of? me: well, in the fall, I get a dry cough and every spring my eyes feel itchy, watery, and—you’re not writing any of this down. waiter: get out.

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

ME: Whatcha doin? WIFE: Watchin Dune. ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I've been changing my avi one pixel at a time for 2 years

Cake’s 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 is my favorite song about online relationships.

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Thursday, 4:01pm "Still there." "Yep." "Looks blue." "It certainly does." "Wet too." "Totally." "See you next week?" “Count on it."

Later on, Terry would feel a slight pang of guilt over the fleeting seconds she'd spent thinking about all the things she could do with a spare bedroom, before grabbing the kid's leg.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

If I ever offer you ham and eggs for breakfast, just know that what you’ll actually be getting is a handful of uncooked oatmeal and a glass of hot water.

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.

Peak posting

"I'll always make time for you, girl." - Me to you but also to a plate of nachos

Look, I compost and recycle and try to avoid eating piping plovers but I draw the line when it comes to the aerosolized assurance that only my Aqua Net hairspray can provide

Calm down hardware store I don’t need to walk through an Enchanted Christmas Wonderland to get to the socket wrenches

rad as hell that the bsky fuckin sucks & we’re all just posting to the void again

Dancing on the edge during Beaver Moon🎶

One of my favorite moves that people do is when they’re walking away from someone they know and they’re smiling and kind of wave goodbye and also move their hand & arm down like stop you’re too funny.

i wanna take this relationship to the next level. food court is upstairs, tell me now if what we have is real.

I just read that this full moon will bring tons of money to Pisces, so yeah, my time has come. Totally unrelated, I’m not a Pisces. But I read it, so it counts.

Someone on the old site once posted ‘have you ever owned a vinyl record?’ and instead of replying I withdrew to my horseless carriage and drove to the dry goods store to purchase a box of powdered milk

am I smarter than a 5th grader? buddy, I'm not even smarter than me when I was in fifth grade

I'm pretty knowledgeable about what food pairs well with tap water

Just a girl obsessed with the moon.

I thought I saw a severed foot under a car in the liquor store parking lot, but someone was attached to it. Life is disappointing.

They met on the bridge. It was love at first sight. He was an American. She was a Pole.

Ironically, Mike was standing on B♭ when the truck hit him.

perpetrators of sesame street cookie heist set to be arraigned today

Do bras have those little bows so ladies know which is frontways? 411 operator: (heavy sigh) again sir, not that kind of information

Oh hey, check out this cursed thing that I originally thought was a mole.

Me: *tips the waiter* Waiter: *angrily climbing out of the lobster tank*

Kid rummaging through ashtray: What happened to your change? Me: I used it for the snack machine, so it became my exchange. Kid: I'll be in my room researching how to become emancipated

CW: biopsy and pain. At risk of TMI, I'm going to be serious for a moment. The medical community seriously needs to find a way to make certain procedures less painful for cis women. This issue has been around for a long time and been in the news a lot but little has changed. Long story short, I

I'm telling ya, this dog is a strange little man

I’m not trying to make anyone jealous but my husband is really good at letting the dirty dishes soak

wow, all this existential dread on top of my own internal dread, life is truly a delight

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

How could we be expected to learn table manners growing up when we constantly saw Cookie Monster smash cookies in a crumb-flinging frenzy on public television?

When I’m feeling nonverbal it’s fine because I just reskeet the funny and thoughtful people

I’m kind of in a book club. My coworker read a book, tells me about it and I say Hmm, that sounds interesting.

Studies show eating three whole pizzas for dinner is way healthier than being eaten by a bear.

Can’t tell if I’m in a zombie apocalypse or if it’s just Monday. Everyone’s shuffling around, groaning, and dead behind the eyes.

Whenever anyone says something stupid my flanks shiver like a water buffalo who’s been shot with a tranquilizer dart before collapsing on a termite hill

The only monster under my bed I can't be friends with is Cookie Monster, for obvious reasons.

I'm in both of my moods again.

Top tip: never let the waiter get away with serving corked wine or stale bread, no matter how many times they argue that “I’m just a priest” or insist “you’re ruining the Communion service again!”

Is this a personal grudge, or can anyone join in?