Oh hey, check out this cursed thing that I originally thought was a mole.

Me: *tips the waiter* Waiter: *angrily climbing out of the lobster tank*

Kid rummaging through ashtray: What happened to your change? Me: I used it for the snack machine, so it became my exchange. Kid: I'll be in my room researching how to become emancipated

CW: biopsy and pain. At risk of TMI, I'm going to be serious for a moment. The medical community seriously needs to find a way to make certain procedures less painful for cis women. This issue has been around for a long time and been in the news a lot but little has changed. Long story short, I

I'm telling ya, this dog is a strange little man

I’m not trying to make anyone jealous but my husband is really good at letting the dirty dishes soak

wow, all this existential dread on top of my own internal dread, life is truly a delight

I love the smell of hypocrisy in the morning.

How could we be expected to learn table manners growing up when we constantly saw Cookie Monster smash cookies in a crumb-flinging frenzy on public television?

When I’m feeling nonverbal it’s fine because I just reskeet the funny and thoughtful people

I’m kind of in a book club. My coworker read a book, tells me about it and I say Hmm, that sounds interesting.

Studies show eating three whole pizzas for dinner is way healthier than being eaten by a bear.

Can’t tell if I’m in a zombie apocalypse or if it’s just Monday. Everyone’s shuffling around, groaning, and dead behind the eyes.

Whenever anyone says something stupid my flanks shiver like a water buffalo who’s been shot with a tranquilizer dart before collapsing on a termite hill

The only monster under my bed I can't be friends with is Cookie Monster, for obvious reasons.

I'm in both of my moods again.

Top tip: never let the waiter get away with serving corked wine or stale bread, no matter how many times they argue that “I’m just a priest” or insist “you’re ruining the Communion service again!”

Is this a personal grudge, or can anyone join in?

Sometimes you don’t see what’s right in front of you, sometimes you see what’s missing, sometimes you eat spaghetti out of a big red bowl

I fall asleep before my head even hits the pillow so I’m either perfectly normal or suffering from some sort of brain injury

ME: People only need space from you to get closer to somebody else BARTENDER: jfc I’m literally getting paid to see other people

I had a eureka moment! Then I realized eureka is just Greek for “oh no, not again.”

ME: [first day as a detective] So the robber was heavily armed? VICTIM: Yes ME: *writing ‘Probably Hellboy’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Imitation of the SCTV character Count Floyd is the sincerest form of Flaherty.

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight: If I die first, he promises not to eat me. If he dies first, I promise not to use his skull as my coffee cup.

people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house

rare sighting of a pack of feral jessicas foraging for food in the wild

After repeated acts of vandalism and stolen letters, local business finally gives up on putting the inspirational 'YOU COUNT!' on their sign board.

My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask

Me: I probably shouldn't have another glass of wine. *scrolls social media and the news* Me: *opens another bottle of wine* Bottoms up.

I wanna go back to worrying about the ozone layer. Those were better times.

Believe in yourself. If a potato can become vodka, you can become a vodka drinker. Or a potato. Or both.

It's not a chore if you don't do it.

“When will I get to relax?” I lament, as I enter the fifth hour of staring at my phone

Lie to me like Linkedin bb.

I’ve been informed by a friend that I need a new bookshelf. I think that’s the most wonderful idea ever. It means I can buy more books & wont have them stacked around.

[30 seconds into a jazz song] Omg, I think I really like jazz! [30 seconds later] Alright, enough of this

is now a good time to tell you i’ve been wearing two different slippers all day, or

What an absurd, grotesque existence this all is

marking my territory by leaving oreo wrappers between your couch cushions

Just broke a hanger and brought on seven years of bad outfits.

So many people are running outside into the arms of loved ones, crying joyous tears. Mondays are especially busy at the dentist's office.

last night’s dream found me in a small room with no door, being chased by a slice of deli ham with sting ray features, and this somehow has to be the fault of you guys

I can't prove it but I think kids scream so much because they get a split second glimpse of their future

I’m very close to becoming that person who carries around pepto bismol and drinks straight from the bottle

Normalize two goody bags at kids parties: one for the kids and one for the parents with alcohol and chocolate, we’ve earned it