Them: this conversation is going to a dark place Me: [nodding excitedly] the movie theater

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

[insert “pawclaimers” reply here]

♫ But I would walk 500 miles ♫ ♫ And I would walk 500 more ♫

“Five minutes, Mom. We’re playing pirates.”

my father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971

[bedtime] daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first daughter: … me: night, sweetheart

I’ve been driving for 7 hrs. I think I’m in Kentucky but honestly not 100% sure.

ME: It's like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files. FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things? ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

that moment when you realize you’ve eaten more of something than you should have but there’s not enough left to leave for anyone else so it’s like ok here we go

Sometimes, you have to lay in a ditch about it.

I'm beginning to think I'll never find a giant x on the ground marking the spot to buried treasure

the stress of having to fill out and return a pdf

Sorry I'm 3 days late, I was eating a pomegranate.

Be yourself. But also, double-check with people first.

why yes I have long been an aficionado of the humpty dance

Thanksgiving combines the two things I love most. 1. Eating 2. Giving people food poison

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint dept they have to mix it for you

Don't trust anyone who says 'lo and behold', those words aren't even real.

I just watched Karate Kid 6 so I’m technically part of the problem.

Some of you think you still have time; I thought the same when I was your age.

So the dad of my son's best friend died unexpectedly a couple of months ago and the mom asked me to finish this treehouse they were building.🧵

The squirrels will tell my story.

if i was a squirrel my catchphrase would be “pack up your nuts, boys, and get back in the trees cuz mama’s here now”

Sneaking a big gulp cup of alfredo sauce into the movie theater.

November 22 got me to thinking that if Brenda Lee married Steve Harvey, divorced him and married Patton Oswalt, she'd be Brenda Lee Harvey Oswalt.

Goofy dancing in the kitchen is where it's at.

I have never saved a post in my life what does that say about me

Claude's heart was never in the art game because he was all about that Monet.

If cows wore jewelry I’m guessing that it’s safe to assume it would be a moo’ed ring.

waiter: any allergies the chef should be made aware of? me: well, in the fall, I get a dry cough and every spring my eyes feel itchy, watery, and—you’re not writing any of this down. waiter: get out.

The easiest way to get rich is to hyphenate your last name. Seriously, do you know anyone named “Smythe-Follansbee” who doesn’t have millions?

ME: Whatcha doin? WIFE: Watchin Dune. ME: I asked you first, Sharon.

I've been changing my avi one pixel at a time for 2 years

Cake’s 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘋𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦 is my favorite song about online relationships.

GIRLFRIEND: I'm sorry but I need to break up with you. ME: Is it because I do a pterodactyl screech every time I see a baby? HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Thursday, 4:01pm "Still there." "Yep." "Looks blue." "It certainly does." "Wet too." "Totally." "See you next week?" “Count on it."

Later on, Terry would feel a slight pang of guilt over the fleeting seconds she'd spent thinking about all the things she could do with a spare bedroom, before grabbing the kid's leg.

Most potential pet owners consider things like breeding, size, coat, intelligence, trainability, and temperament. Often overlooked is the crucially important element of aerodynamics, which can greatly affect your gas mileage, raising the overall cost of ownership significantly.

the free sample lady must have called them when i wouldn’t leave

You're officially old when she sends you a nude selfie and all you're interested in is what kind of pizza in the box behind her.

If I ever offer you ham and eggs for breakfast, just know that what you’ll actually be getting is a handful of uncooked oatmeal and a glass of hot water.

i think a funny thing to ask a guy named charles when he's barfing is WHATS UP CHUCK and also another funny thing is

You don't realise how dull your life is until someone asks what your hobbies are.

Peak posting

"I'll always make time for you, girl." - Me to you but also to a plate of nachos

Look, I compost and recycle and try to avoid eating piping plovers but I draw the line when it comes to the aerosolized assurance that only my Aqua Net hairspray can provide