DONALD TRUMP: [asleep, drooling on long red tie] SENATE DEMOCRATS: fine, we give in

Tonight was a very bad night.

And now today's edition of "Someone's Hateful Son Who Simply Has The Audacity and Nothing Else"🤡🤡🤡

I've learned 595 German words on duolingo, so now I can say important stuff like "The witch eats schnitzel in the forest" and "Your snail is smart but very ugly."

My MFA really paid off. Why, just today I received one like on my Instagram post. Can’t call me a failed artist now, mom.

Live strange, die mysteriously, leave a sinister pile of gloves behind

Can’t sleep; too busy thinking about all the gothic romance missing from my life.

I don't want AI. I want to stop filling out my entire medical history every time I go to the same doctor

my narcissistic mom just said she prays for me every night and now I know where the curse is coming from

New Trump 2028 campaign slogan just dropped.

I want my death certificate to say the truth: killed by capitalism.

I was going to be Vanessa Ives for Halloween but now, I don’t know, I feel like I need to be a frog terrorist.

“I love Renaissance Faires, indie bookstores, collecting rocks, exploring ghost towns and probably ancient castles though there aren’t many of those around here, ha—“ “Ma’am, this is a job interview.”

I hate to be a doomer but the pandemic broke me in this regard I think. After watching like a third of the country proudly say they wouldn't inconvenience themselves even if it cost other people their lives, where do you go from there

Might fuck around and find a corynexochida trilobite to add to my fossil collection.

Hard to joke around with half a White House.

People who are nostalgic for the 80s have obviously forgotten how much Phil Collins we had to listen to.

Ideal restaurant experience: You sit alone in a windowless cubicle with a TV and an armchair, your food is delivered by a mechanical arm through some kind of hatch, and when you're finished you leave quietly through a trapdoor that leads into the abandoned subway tunnels

Sorry, I can’t get weird with you tonight. Too busy getting weird at home

Sorry I can't hang out this week, I have to iron my cardigan.

“I love Renaissance Faires, indie bookstores, collecting rocks, exploring ghost towns and probably ancient castles though there aren’t many of those around here, ha—“ “Ma’am, this is a job interview.”

Trump says he took a urine test at Walter Reed hospital and got all the answers correct.

My dream job is to run a cozy little bookshop, but without worrying about having to succeed as a small business. So basically a money laundering front where I get to read

ICE has finalized a $5.7 million contract for AI-driven social media surveillance software using Zignal Labs to monitor 8 billion daily posts in 100+ languages across numerous social media platforms in case you didn’t think America was Orwellian enough.

Introducing myself as an ethical monogamist to ethical non monogamists just to see how it goes

My nickname at family reunions is "I thought you were dead”

HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”

AMERICA: why are we giving food stamps to people. they should work ALSO AMERICA: let’s fire everyone and replace them with AI

One of my favorite things to do is to eat peanuts in the corner.

I put my shoes on one toe at a time just like everyone else

I miss when we all thought he had kicked the bucket.

Relax, everyone. I am here now.