Hot dog this, hot dog that. When are we gonna stop sexualizing everything

It’s 100 degrees out rn and someone somewhere is generating an ai video of a melting sex fruit who can’t stand the heat

Do you ever have someone do you wrong then they show up in your dreams and you are like, “Oh they are gonna fix it this time. My brain is gonna cure me” BUT THEN THEY DO EXACTLY THE SAME THING JUST IN A RANDOM ASS PLACE??

scrolling r/relationships and seeing every 5 posts are women complaining that their male partners don’t wipe/wash their butt is actually insane

yesterday all of my sworn enemies got together & recorded a diss track against me, which immediately lowered my credit score.

Taking an interest in your inner life because I want to do the sex with you.

my buddy was telling me that he brought up an issue at work recently & his supervisor generated a 14 page a.i. response & sent it to him so he generated an a.i. response to her response & now the two chat bots are in a response loop with each other & why are eggs still expensive?

Before my vasectomy, my doctor asked me what I would name my hypothetical daughter and I barely said "Leeloo Dallas Multipass" before he prepped the table and muttered "fuckin' nerd"

I said, "Don't touch the bowl."

Imagine if we find out the explosive diarrhea got him

lindsey graham died ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ'𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Wheel in the ground keeps on churning. “Meat,” it demands.

careful what jokes you make today, you don’t want to hurt a mod’s feelings ☹️

It’s that time of year when my garden starts getting out of control and I’m thinking this year I’ll let it swallow me whole. A final offering to the tomatoes and beans.

There is no explosive diarrhea outbreak. We have simply covered the casino floor in plastic sheeting as a show of respect for Lindsey Graham

just saw a shoe in the road, anyone’s on here? ?

just had another “fool me twice, shame on me” type situation and man, i would honestly pay someone to teach me how to not have this keep happening

love using a salad spinner. I’m performing fast CPR to bring the lettuce back from wet Hell

Don’t miss out on one of the BIGGEST hits of the summer!! the Sun

“Verify your age” motherfucker it’s on Wikipedia

He died doing what he loved: lying about what he loved

And for dessert, prescription drugs

What if plastic spiders were real spiders? Yikes!

As long as you pick your self-esteem up within 5 seconds of it hitting the floor it's still good

My offer was sincere but you were kind of a dick to take me up on it.

Being creative sounds fun until your brain accidentally pisses you off with scenarios nobody asked for, like “what if you are eating and run into someone from your past while wearing a bib?” Now I can’t go to Boiling Crab.

bedraggled is the new bewitched

*being murdered in my home* take your shoes off *being murdered in public* no,not like that

I love you you have ruined me for all others (stranger’s dog licking my face)

Naming my child "anything" so when I tell them they can be anything when they grow up, I don't have to lie

changed my gps to my dad’s voice and now it just says “we don’t need directions i know where i’m going” and “we’re not lost we’re taking the scenic route”

sorry for being so overly enthusiastic when you asked if I had any regrets

Tbh if I had to speak on the phone with anyone for 20 minutes I would also die.

seedless grapes ? what’s next, pitted olives ahahahahah gtfo

Verify my age? Motherfucker, im on bluesky

You’ve got to praise your dog like they’ve ended world hunger every time they bring you a stick or a ball or a bit of laundry those are the rules

was it the diarrhea

The Trojan horse thing wouldn’t have worked on me. I could tell it wasn’t a real horse

*blowing cigarette smoke right in the face of everyone who just woke up to the news* "We already did all the jokes"

You just created a thousand lindsay grahams… a lindsay kilograham if u will

today i feel very small and unsteady lost and waterlogged in an endless sea breathing in panicked gulps of stormy air steeling myself against a monstrous wave as i fire my only flare

One of the biggest mysteries of the universe is having a BM only to find nothing in the toilet.

Thinking about becoming a strategic brand builder.

not now please i’m in mourning

Targeted ads just decided this was the baseball cap for me!

I write amazing skeets on gas station bathroom stalls

Going camping and saying "we're not out of the woods yet" in a positive way

sometimes colons just do that

somebody breed phil

DECORUM IS STORED IN THE BALLS