The venn diagram of a male gym teacher’s wardrobe and most people’s “I lost my will to live” wardrobe is just a circle

Watching an oil splatter come towards your nice shirt in real time like a bullet to the chest

Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism

Mom looking at a plant she killed: “It doesn’t want to live :(“

Having siblings is humiliating

Me acting like an absolute dog when my female and queer besties post nice selfies: “THE VIEW IS CRAAAZYYY 🥵🔥🔥🔥 YOU’RE GONNA HURT SOMEONE PACKIN’ LIKE THAT, MUSE ❤️‍🔥” Me when a straight male friend posts a selfie: “must have showered today”

thinking about the time when I was getting scolded as a kid and my mom said she'd leave me in the woods if I lied. My city girl ass stopped crying and turned to look at her like, "We live in a metropolis. You don't know any woods."

I have the spirit of someone who wants to sing all the lyrics to a song but the memory of someone who can barely remember the first name of a recurring character in my life who I haven’t talked to in two days

Usually I will read my Co-Star and be like, “You know… that’s not NOT deep.” But sometimes I will read it and be like, “Wtf is going on with this app”

I wouldn’t ask just anyone for business advice but I have not once looked at a dog gobbling up a puppucino and not thought, “Why is that dog better than me?”

If you are from a country with a film nominated for an Oscar, you know winning one is a collective national activity. CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL BRAZILIANS #imstillhere #aindaestouaqui

why did they sing “Emilia” for 45 minutes

I never know whether to open up the photos linked on erotica. There’s a chance that they’ll be really hot but there’s also a chance that they’ll be just as disappointing as those photos in the end credits of a biopic of the real, much uglier people who inspired it.

I get so irrationally angry when someone tries to tickle me. Stop trying to invade my joy vault by force, you unfunny mfer

My mom to my brother getting a call from his girlfriend: “This is family night. Tell her to put a fan on that coochie and go to sleep.”

I once wrote a short story and knew I did a good job with my protagonist because a classmate hated her guts. The character had my personality. That classmate and I did not like each other.

Kendrick Lamar's Superbowl performance is why funding arts and humanities matters. We have Kendrick because his teacher introduced him to poetry and writing.

A man who you’ve known since birth running into you on the street alone: “This is Mr. Lee.” Me: “Yes, hi!” Him: “Lex’s dad.” Me: “Yes.” Him: “And Jenny’s dad.” Me: “No, yeah. I got it” Him: “Your dad’s frie-“

If a friend lost an arm on our way to getting fried chicken and we had to rush to the hospital, I’d wait a total of 6 minutes before going, “Hey, you know what would brighten up this day?”

that little song and dance as a woman taking a late night taxi/Uber in which you paint a whole picture of all the people who would avenge you if you were to get sex trafficked 💅🏻

Do you ever meet someone who you feel like you’ve known forever? Like you meet them and you just know deep in your heart that they’ve pissed you off in at least ten lifetimes?

Friendly reminder that unlearning calling the United States "America" is part of de-colonizing language. Our words hold power.

While normalizing oligarchy and white supremacy is unacceptable, the shocked "what have we become"s are exhausting. Well-intentioned as they may be, they invalidate a long history of oppression against the working class and POC in the U.S. The rot is, and has been, in the bones of this country.

Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I desire in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.” Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”

David Lynch challenged us to sit with the uncomfortable, the weird, and the incomprehensible, increasing our ability to accept and appreciate what we as a society have been taught to deem otherwise indigestible or worthy of outright rejection. His voice, in every sense, will be missed.

my friends heal me because I can go to them like, “My family is hurting my mental health 🥺” and they will show up with real solutions

Friend after saying 78 times over the course of a single dinner that we are on the verge of techno feudalism: “Why do you look anxious?”

POV: you are Sasquatch. Your fans, some of the dumbest humans on the planet, won’t stop dying from exposure in your woods. Your forest creature neighbors are starting to find this a nuisance. Do you: A. Throw an apology rager or B. Pay off some fungi to get rid of the problem

Does the church seriously expect us to refrain from having sex when they are out here telling us put the “body of Christ” in our mouths like that’s not a full on gateway kink

Sometimes you just gotta look at your tagged photos to stay out of trouble. You're not gonna catch me acting an asshat if I know my mug shot is gonna resemble a Picasso

My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”

I could lead a peaceful existence but the chances that I will overwhelm myself by opening a bag of chips and feeling the vibe of each individual chip are astronomical

I'm not antisocial, but I'm not exactly PRO social either.

I often think that I’d like the opportunity to design my own house, but then I build a house in The Sims with unlimited money and resources and I’m like, “wow this is 100% atrocious”

"You can't hide your feelings" ok, or maybe I'm not trying to shield you from the emotional consequences of your actions

Me: (staring at little plants) Friend: “They like it when you talk to them. You should try it :)” Me (to plants): “Grow faster.”

Speaker to a crowd: “Listen up, everyone…” Me (whispering): “Omg, that’s me.”

I love being an adult because I’d rather pay taxes than ask my mom to drive me to a filthy date she will ask me about for the rest of my life

Waking up from a nightmare and heading straight to work is ridiculous. Like yeah, let me channel all this vindictive energy into a spreadsheet

It doesn’t matter how sexy a bra is, putting it on will still make me feel like a sausage putting on my little sausage casing

Depressed me: “I must write vividly about the darkness that inhabits my soul so I may revisit it with clear eyes should the cloud of dread someday dissipate.” Me finding the writing 3 months later: “Woah, spooky.”

Love it when there are siblings and one has an intense name like Julius Maximus XII and the other is like… Steve. Let me talk to your parents real quick, “Just Steve” The First

“Um.” - 1st cow that got milked

I wish I could start breakdancing every time I tripped and fell

why tf would you invite me to a pool party to socialize? i'm trying to be underwater for the next 4 hours

Anger is so funny ‘cause this one time a musician pissed me off and I really was like, “I’m gonna start songwriting to talk shit in his language”

Tired of my human insecurities. I need to tap into bot confidence

If I were god and you were kind of a dick, I’d go off of mute to make sure you heard me laughing at you