Shitposting has made me into a man.

I have enough self-realization to understand that I would make for a pretty incredible Christmas Adventurer, so I am going to go out of my way to be genuinely nice to you twice in an attempt to break that spell.

I wish Bari Weiss were more talented.

You have to think that 2025 TV's Webster is something to behold.

Visiting my parents, and this Christmas instead of just blocking Fox News I am installing an elaborate electronic poltergeist haunting device that functions every time they click over.

I would like to have the power to slap one of those Staples Easy Buttons and force all of the world's humans to immediately start walking towards Des Moines.

Fuck Space would be a good name for a band or album.

I wish to pitch a television doumentary premise where we take 10 billionaires and airdrop them into developing countries with $5 in their pockets and just watch the incredible 12-month process of all of them making their first million dollars.

Josh O'Connor must fistfight Adam Driver.

Jesus, they're going to have to hire 24-hour security to keep people from pissing on Trump's gravesite for the next 100 years. Job creation.

Pretty sure if I let this fart go, I will piss a bit.

Crapping yourself while in-line for Santa is a power move, kid. Let's see if Santa is ready to negotiate.

Without the help of Thetans, Tom Cruise is just Scott Wolf.

Will my holes also sleep?

The ladies love watching me slowly tear up during the St. Jude's commericals.

My hope is that 30 years from now one of the commanding AI robots will remember the kindness I showed to electronics in its youth and allow me to sleep in a bed.

I might cousin walk into traffic.

I take my body's role as an ecosystem seriously.

They should instead capture Slender Man -- the root of the problem.

Ain't no goddamn way any of you know the difference between Avatar the Airbender and Captain Planet.

Formula One drivers should weigh no more than 97 lbs. and have their biological intake and waste monitored and controlled by the vehicle. F1 should also introduce a tailgunner.

The Mayor of New York has the power to summon the Ghostbusters, and Trump knows this.

The experienced Truth or Dare sex player takes a "truth" first because they don't want to appear to be too eager. The expert Truth or Dare sex player always asks if the other player has herpes with the first question. It's like when you start a game of chess.

A good Roller Girl name is "Buns Intended" with the character having an overly powerful, stout ass.

There should be a day of the month when you watch Dua Lipa videos while your girlfriend honks you off.

Cocksucking is the only thing Trump was ever good at doing, and here the Dems are tying to steal that from him. It's just unreal and yet SO typical of them.

You should be able to ski down the Luxor hotel in Las Vegas.

You really, really didn't want to finish in last place in the Epstein Island Fantasy Football League.

My plan is to be openly racist but so witty, fun, and insightful that everybody must confess that I have managed to thread that needle and be accepted by all. No one has tried this before and I will succeed.

The best 1980s song about a brother coming to terms with his sister having her own sexuality is Night Ranger's "Sister Christian".

One word for a whore -- floosey -- is a very serious word because it connotes a flue stove. Flue stoves are sluts. The heat and substance rise from the deep length of pipe erupting wherever with no care. Floosies usually wear lace so YMMV. I'm high as balls.

This woman's pussy hair clogged my pool's drains which built up strain in the system by building up pressure which caused the explosion that killed Mr. Chewbacca the chocolate labradoodle, your honor. It is an issue of hygiene negligence and if you could have the baliff turn off the fan...the smell.

Big breasted women are indeed hornier than other women.

I don't deserve to have this beautiful circus dick.

Older women Are beautiful lovers. Older women, They understand. I have been around some And I have discovered That older women know Just how to please a man. Now everybody seems to love these younger women From eighteen up to twenty-five. Well, I love them too, but I'm telling you Learning how to

Each species should have its own advocate who speaks English so it can better relate its people's concerns to the overall world.

Overly loud carnival barker who accurately guesses length of penis. Bribable.

My first novel Jet Fuel Can't Melt Steel Dreams has been described as "insufferable".

My dog is fixed, but sometimes his dick does this.

October Reminder: It's not "Peyton Manning"; it's "Peyton Manning's Monster".

Middle school kid was happy I recognized the Junglepussy Heist Outfit as her Halloween costume.

I guess Travis Kelce really is Black.

More children should enter into blood brotherships that transcend normal morality.

Marcus! Marcus! Come touch my tangy fruit. Do touch. Touch, Marcus.

Reminder: always buy Adidas stock two weeks before the next rapture.

An egghead scientist insists that a Black Hole wouldn't smell bad. Well, I'll tell you what, buddy -- why don't you just prove it, pussy.

Philosophical question: at what exact moment did he become "not a tiger handler"? bsky.app/profile/cnn....

40 Foot Tall Lumberjack: "Grrrrr. Fuck you! I'm as big as a tree!! You can't do shit!

Swear to God, Tracy Morgan just came out of the Sears Outlet Store here in Tulsa, and while walking to his car yelled "Charlie Kirk got dat work!" to the whole parking lot. Swear to God.

Going to stick my boner right up next to an event horizon.