What percentage of your e-mails now begin: "Hello X! I am both an actual living human and also not a weirdo"?

Do you guys think that this mad dash for AI tech is a direct response to the threat Michael Winslow poses to it?

Every "T.J." you have ever met has a little more spark or shine to them than most others. "T.J.'s are a lot of fun.

Just realized how many Charlie Kirk Halloween costumes we're going to see.

Paul Pierce is known for both shitting himself and getting stabbed, and that's fantastic.

Marcus! Marcus! Come touch my tangy fruit. Do touch. Touch, Marcus.

Reminder: always buy Adidas stock two weeks before the next rapture.

An egghead scientist insists that a Black Hole wouldn't smell bad. Well, I'll tell you what, buddy -- why don't you just prove it, pussy.

Philosophical question: at what exact moment did he become "not a tiger handler"? bsky.app/profile/cnn....

40 Foot Tall Lumberjack: "Grrrrr. Fuck you! I'm as big as a tree!! You can't do shit!

Swear to God, Tracy Morgan just came out of the Sears Outlet Store here in Tulsa, and while walking to his car yelled "Charlie Kirk got dat work!" to the whole parking lot. Swear to God.

Going to stick my boner right up next to an event horizon.

You can tell that Kash Patel's left eye wants to fight his right one.

Kash Patel is one of those Make-A-Wish kids who gets to announce his hometown Houston Texans' 5th round pick.

Look at this guy. "Mr. Too Cool for Surgery". www.nbcboston.com/news/health/...

On queue with the other time-travelers waiting outside of Hitler's nursery.

It's just easier on everybody if one identical twin is a little fatter than the other.

Ghosts have haunting ranges, right? If you leave town, then an actual ghost isn't going to follow you. They're an annoyance. Nothing more.

Trump died as he lived: trying to crawl his body up the butthole of a Corgi.

I always get excited when the sexy lady shows me her bare legs right up until the moment she pulls the derringer from her garter belt. Instantly, I know I have been fooled, and that sucks.

Cracker Barrel is Waffle House for people who can't fight.

We need more colors. Real colors, and not bullshit like magenta. We need a few dozen more Reds and Yellows, but they obviously wouldn't be different Reds and Yellows. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about like 38 more primary colors. Then we could mix those. Why aren't we doing this?

Look, say what you must about 73 year-old Liam Neeson, but it's obvious that he must now take the required minimum distributions from his traditional IRA.

If the Rock doesn't want to fistfight the moose, then that's fine, but we shouldn't have to pretend that this is 2013 -- he's not that busy. www.newyorkupstate.com/outdoors/202...

You could use a mansplaining and by someone who really knows what he is doing.

You're not a racist, but you'll set a Lizard Person straight.

Trey Gowdy looks like a different kind of vegetable every time I see him. bsky.app/profile/blue...

Bring back Chris Penn.

Viking funeral on a tortilla chip going down a queso fountain at Golden Corral.

I fully expected my guy to communicate through Blade Runner Cityspeak.

I'll tell you one thing -- those two Blue Wizards who were sent to Middle Earth weren't looking for pussy.

You look like a recently Emancipated Proclamated Robert Guillaume.

RIP to Jimmy Swaggart.

F1 has got your fucking montages.

I accidentally got a "Women Ain't Shit" tattoo on my lower abdomen, and I don't have the money to have it removed with a laser, so I have to wait a couple of more years on the cream to work.

@Grok What does Soundgarden's "Rusty Cage" mean to you?

Albert Belle is getting a VIP pass straight to Heaven. Incredible times, bros.

Dibs on Brian Wilson's New Balance shoe collection. RIP to a genius.

Tell me now: are the Freaky Deaky amongst us? Where are my Freaky Deakys?

Interplanetary Social Mixer at the Space Convention: Me: Hello. Puffin-Face Female: Welcome to the Sigma Belt! Me: Thank you. I'm Dick from Earth. PFF: (scrambling) Earth! That's the planet next to... Me: We have eight... PFF: Next to... Me: Earth is the Bear Planet. PFF: No shit? Me: That's right

Does anyone want to talk about this? www.youtube.com/watch?v=mWTK...

"Friends in Low Places" becomes a much better song once you realize that Garth Brook's narrator has never actually met the bride.

Well, good luck finding a new Pope. Guys like that are one-in-a-million.

Al B. Sure! looks like a poorly plotted koi pond.

They need to make an app for old Nextdoor white ladies in their 60s that can scan people for gang tattoos. "Oh, he's Boko Haram."

There should be an antihistamine brand that uses Tom Petty's "Free Fallin'" in the advertisement but instead of "Now I'm Freeeeeee. Free Fallin'" they sing "Allergyyyy: Tree Pollen."

If you were a mink oil company, then you probably should get a Harlequin Baby as your spokesperson.