Remember when New York announced they would be using garbage cans and the rest of us said “what”

All I’ve had today is An orgasm and a celsius

bringing my monkeys to someone else’s circus because they need enrichment

we are the sons of the jimmies you couldn't kimmel

We need non-cancerous cigarettes to give to women so they look hot. Men get the normal kind.

Stephen Colbert has nothing to lose and the opportunity to book the funniest guest possible for his show tomorrow

poly discourse? yeah i'm poly gonna order dis course of chinese food and then head out. i don't really care anymore man

fuck you

i remember i was on a date & every time i tweeted his phone went off😭

"on the rocks" is a very cunty way to ask for ice tbh

did you guys know that one time they told bush that 10 brazilian men had died and he said "how many is a brazilian"

ratatouille will forever be iconic because it has the most agreeable villain. just a guy who doesn’t want rats cooking food

*alien, completely bewildered* so the groundhog….? me: is clairvoyant, exactly.

The video of Candace Owens and Charlie Kirk just goes to show that when you don’t let theater kids pursue what they’re born to do it backfires spectacularly

Do dog owners just have a photo ready of their dogs at all times to show off just in case ?

my partner misspoke and said ‘jugs judy’ which will sustain me for weeks if not months

For all of you who are mourning Charlie Kirk, can you please donate to the Hind Rajab foundation, too? She was a five year old Palestinian girl who was shot at 335 times. The org honors all victims who've been senselessly murdered in Palestine. www.hindrajabfoundation.org

Just a reminder that Melissa Hortman and her husband and dog were all assassinated and no one seemed to bat an eye

I mean…

We need to put everyone in Epstein's birthday book on an island

I’ll have two glasses of wine and reply with “omgggg congrats sweet girl” on an engagement post of someone i haven’t spoken to in 5 years

Hey, I just heard France had a no confidence vote and their ousted their Prime Minister and my biggest question is like, how do we get one of those?

USPS tracking: Step 1: we don't think it exists Step 2: delivered

Do horses know they’re Vehicle

Girthmaster could have decided to go by “Mr Beast” in his line of work, but Mr Beast couldn’t be called “Girthmaster”

Does anyone else’s dog take a mouthful of kibble and spit it out on the floor beside the bowl and then eat it from there? Is mine the only peculiar one?

what do boyfriends want for their birthday if they already have video games and boy food

I’m sorry dude I have to go pick up everyone I’ve ever met from the airport

confession time: i have never remotely understood how minesweeper works & just randomly click on little boxes until things go BOOM

I go to tattoo parlors and trick them into shaving my leg for me and then leave

“get his ass” is so hilarious, it’s like the modern version of “seize him”

Refreshing the White House live page like it’s the Nintendo direct

morning wood bf ‘don’t mind if I do’ gf

Source? It was revealed to me on a walk

hot girl in her 20s: it’s so weird but i keep getting lucky and everything works out in my favor

I have a friend whose cousin is in the secret service on the presidential detail and allegedly the president tried to use the toilet with both seats up and fell in and they can’t get him out. He said there’s been three casualties in the extraction effort so far

I do not laugh at the plight of "Scrat" from the Ice Age films. His terror moves me to tears

what if he's pregnant

if the streets rumors are true I’m dropping my first anal tape for free lol

yall are getting me too excited. i refuse to believe it until a trustworthy source (popcrave) confirms it

Donald Trump is missing and you’re laughing? The leader of the free world slipped on a banana peel and fell down a well that made a really quiet sploosh noise at the bottom and you’re laughing?

You think you're so funny and cool... Well you are I Love you

Leg sweeping my son when he asks for uppies. Its a tough world bozo

Sometimes a new monkey wants to join your circus and it’s like Girl no shade. but you’re an orangutan

saying summer is over on august 25 is an indicator of a quitter’s mindset and indoctrination by big halloween

love bombing…finger blasting…why do we make affection so explosive…does this speak to our destructive nature…

isn’t it weird how BO is like the worst thing ever unless you’re in love with that person then it’s like stinky crack

You have $20 to feed 5 people, what are you making? 💭

"try our new AI mode-" actually have you tried eating my entire fucking ass

The only “hot honey” I want to talk about is my freakin wife!