NOBODY circle back with me this week. i was LYING

One of the stressful parts of gift giving is actually wrapping your presents so here's a tutorial on how to get it done quickly and easily- 1. Measure out a reasonable size of wrapping paper 2. Nope. You goosed that so bad. It's fucked. The whole thing is fucked.

they’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. santa’s been delivering gifts in japan for hours by now; that list is locked, do whatever you want.

has anyone noticed what its beginning to look a lot like

College was so funny I had one Professor who was like “yeah just turn any late work by the end of the semester dw” and one that gave a 0 if it was 1 minute late and required death certificates if you had a family member die and you just had to remember which is which

If you can breathe through your nose right now…cherish that, savor it, take a moment to appreciate what you have before it’s too late

Omfg just found out my recently deceased aunt apparently bequeathed me her Christmas tree farm? So now I have to leave the big city (right as I’m about to get my big promotion) and head to her rinky dink town to deal with this shit. FML!!!!

gone rogue 🫰

Nobody wants to drunk text anymore…………

remember it takes 2 people to ruin a relationship him and his mother for raising him that way you did nothing wrong sis

“fuck you’re tight” i whisper as i look at my monthly budget

calling for a national ban on gift guides until we figure out what's going on

Missionary because men are insanely attractive and I like to watch his face while I do bad things to him and talk him through it. Plus I like to make him watch

smokin on that shit that put malcolm in the middle

whoever invented beds was a fucking genius. i’m just all cozied up in here, like you don’t even know how cozy i am

This guy on the subway keeps covering his face with his jacket and then smoke comes out. I think he might be wielding a dark magic artifact

“nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” Wrong . What about box

the Michelin man is kinda like a Greek god in the sense that he presides over tires and which restaurants are good

feeling very grateful for yall today :) whether you’re in a house with way too many people or taking some time for yourself, know you’re loved and appreciated! 💕💕

Normalize waiting for your boyfriend in the tiniest lingerie after his long day at work❤️‍🔥

I may be a 5 on a beach in California but I’m a 10 in a Wisconsin Kwik Trip

genuinely don't understand how sometimes the wand blasts me in a minute and sometimes i need 2h30 of ancient rituals and forbidden knowledge to get there, the female anatomy truly is incredible

nobody thinks about this but porn stars have to do so much laundry, it's insane

Backshots so he doesn’t see me eating the hand full of gummy bears I snuck into the bedroom

Throwing tomatoes from the cuck chair

Onlyfans creators paid $1.6 billion into the American tax system in 2024 by the way

stop asking … yes u can lick texas road house butter off of them smh

btw I made a free one 💕

it's have two boyfriends at once winter

not my circus not my monkeys but i definitely know some of the clowns

economy so bad u might as well follow your dreams and see what happens

after you die you go to the big afters in the sky

A cheat code to adulting is to always have something to look forward to, no matter how small or big

erectile dysfunction? no. i am ERECT TILL DIS FUNCTION IS OVER

oh the model is 5'9 and wearing a size xsmall? Perfect! Very helpful to know!

to clarify, I do OF for a living but I like to keep that job and this account separate. I do all my advertising stuff on another 18+ account. I rely on this account to socialize and it makes me uncomfortable if people think I’m marketing to them when I’m trying to socialize.

I offer sexting now if anyone wants to come say hi?? Genuinely nervous haha 😅

It turns out being super racist and cynically bringing up 9/11 at every turn wasn’t the best way to win the hearts of New York City voters

It would be funny if he just immediately stopped smiling

is there a Balls Cheney

“You attract what you fear” OH NOO 200 slightly chubby and really friendly guys walking at my local park 😱😱😱

me two drinks in

Socially anxious guy at strip club: Dude I think this stripper hates me

People who use Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty lack vision. Dress slutty for Thanksgiving. Dress slutty to go to the library. Dress slutty to mow the lawn. You are a child of God.

Feral game idea: Let’s see how many cream pies we can make in 24 hours

my spotify DJ just said “I have a beat for you that is chiller than a polar bear’s toenails” and then proceeded to play the cup song from pitch perfect

sending a “you up?” text at noon on a sunday cus like you really never know these days

What is the best alternative to D&D Beyond for character creation and campaign tracking and useful tools for TTRPG? What do you use it for?

has anyone ACTUALLY participated in 69 because aesthetically and functionally that sounds horrible and that’s been on my mind since i learned about it 15 years ago