I get that the news cycle is packed right now, but I just heard from a colleague at the Smithsonian that this is fully a GIANT SQUID BEING EATEN BY A SPERM WHALE and it’s possibly the first ever confirmed video according to a friend at NOAA 10 YEAR OLD ME IS LOSING HER MIND (a thread 🧵)

I'm never sure what to call out when I don't know his name. Definitely not "labubu!"

Barenaked Men

I am seeking investors for my sex toy company called Choose the Bear. First product will be the Bear. Quiet enough to use alone in the woods so you don't have to be

I can't remember what we did during commercial breaks before we made fun of the assholes in tardive dyskinesia commercials

AP Photo: President Trump catching some of summer's last rays in relaxing Camp David weekend.

honestly when someone murders me, that is the end of us being friends immediately sorry

Everyone in the country is praying for Trump. but different

Spouse is so frustrated with search results. All the options for "teenage mutany ninja turtle sex generator" are AI

The downy beads commercial makes way more sense with the tardive dyskinesia commercial

When you say 'robot dog' do you mean 'pig'?

ICE gets access to medicaid records so they can just decide and medical condition is a deportable offense

Listening to a song on repeat like 'oh yay! It's my song again!'

I didn't scroll past your video. I closed the app. your video was the doom of my doom scrolling

“Okay, I’m ready for all this to stop,” I say, gesturing around at fucking everything.

I would watch the hell out of a show called: bi-women; 4 women

Spouse- I put you on my notifications. Me- cool. I'm here now. I can't see your notifications.

I need Häagen-Dazs and Ben & Jerry's to get together to create reverse mint chip. I want chocolate with mint chunks

First date idea: you go out with someone else and I chill at home.

You should get double the number of times I made pirate jokes when my spouse had bells palsy

People who use the term 'films' for movies or are really into indie films spent a lot of time trying to see naked people when they were 14

Does Disney+ actually work consistently if you pay full price? Or do you just pay more for the bad experience

which one of you assholes cursed me to have a hot pillow

"sorry to waste your time" no by all means i was getting tired of doing it all myself

@geekysteven.com is having me watch the "right" Star wars porno It's not the one I grew up on but it has my celebrity doppelganger

ICE fucket challenge

Diet culture is getting out of pocket

It is possible to not study enough and fail a sleep study

You should just run all your jokes by me before you post, just in case I think of something funnier

I just posted plans. Very much .not.that.

Ladies night !! Hibachi and Hitachi 🥵

Women fear me.Fish fear me. Everyone fears me. You're afraid to want me

Fox News Live be like: "Large and dangerous tornado headed.." [30 second ad] Then the power went out for a few seconds

the new hit children's pool game for summer is called "marco rubio" one kid yells "Marco" and then everyone else gets deported

Genuinely funny that these wannabe Nazi LARPers are so big and tough all geared up for a warzone until you *checks notes* chant “shame” at them. Keep it up, don’t let these fuckers win.

Spouse is telling me all about the voluptuous tortoise they want

Love hurts use a safe word

Disney plus. One month is never enough. Mostly because it only works a third of the time

I’m a big fan of the post & pull out method — just spread my seed all over social media, pull out quickly and leave. It can be weird, though, when you reappear later and people are mad at you

This Chucky remake is wild Finally recognizing the creepy contoured blond girl

If you're writing to destroy those who have wronged you, is that a pendetta?

I'll be the motion in your potion

Leonardo DiCaprio claims not to like whiskey because it's aged, but really he thinks it's spicy

quick i need someone to pat my ass and say ‘for posterity’

Apparently osteoporosis is something you do want in your water heater

You’re in her DMs and it’s like a maze in there, every turn you take gets you more lost. It was all an elaborate trap.

This dog gives him hell and it’s one of my favorite things on the internet