You know when a work meeting ends early and your boss says, "I'll give you back your time"? I found out what not to reply is, "What about my soul?"

A musician who wants to master a complicated and impractical time signature needs to practice 24/7.

[living in the panopticon] I feel seen

[Dad convention] We'll start with a team-building exercise. You each have a sheet of instructions. Let's throw those away and get started.

[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??

How is it called "Western Medicine" and there's not a single saloon smh

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

[bullying a poet] sorry your lines are too short to reach the margins

I don’t own a bookmark, so I force myself to read every book in one sitting

Ever notice "keel over" has the letters 'love' right in the middle? Just file that away—it'll brighten your day a little as you're dying.

Kid1: My dad is an actor Kid2: He's good. I thought he was your real dad

By the commutative property, an octopus also has ten eightacles

A scientist who studies Adam's apples is called a guyneckologist.

I don’t know but I’ve been tolled My license plates, they just got stoled

the duality of man

I don’t know but I’ve been tolled My license plates, they just got stoled

i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying

Still plenty of time for Raygun to learn Ice Dancing

You know what they say about sharing: less for you

Still plenty of time for Raygun to learn Ice Dancing

When they chant they don’t want a belly itcher but your belly still itches

This meeting could have been an email, and this email could have been a kiss.

Our son was toilet trained (classically, of course) at a very young age but there were no institutions of higher learning willing to let him continue his studies

it is acceptable to wipe your hands on a sleeping relative because they are your napkin

POLITICIAN: *reaching across the aisle* BRIDE: *trips*

ok, fine, a little more mr. nice guy but this is the LAST time

When the ref announces "False Start" is he pronouncing the S from 'false' or the S from 'start'?

I'm a radical egalitarian: yes, I may be having trouble locating your clit, but if I were a woman I'd have trouble finding a man's penis also

When the ref announces "False Start" is he pronouncing the S from 'false' or the S from 'start'?

Trump's putting tariffs on upholstered furniture. Why? I blame lobbying by the Ottoman Empire

The "Upholstered Furniture" might seem random, but it's a throwback to the early 1900s; Trump is acting on behest of the Ottoman Empire

Cancer: Your game of chess against Death will lose a lot of its profundity when he asks, “What do the horse guys do?”

Capricorn: We are all stardust but you also have an abnormally high lint content.

The downside of bluesky's growth is it's no longer possible to personally read every single skeet

A haiku is more than just an exercise in counting syllables

This church is 💯

I've edited a video! Of some of my standup! Like you're supposed to when you're a comedian! Please enjoy "My jokes are good, actually, and here are the reasons why". Shares/fawning praise etc obviously appreciated x www.youtube.com/watch?v=s93X...

[church] AUSTRALIAN: I've got a confession to make PRIEST: who's Mike?

Where does fog come from? It's a mistery

Insisting I shouldn't have to pay sales tax on an abstract painting because of "no taxation without representation"

Friend: Pics or it didn't happen Picasso: Here Friend: Ok, that doesn't actually clear anything up

How is this not the plural of "ottoman"?!?

I wouldn't brag about how I'd welcome Hitler to my cafe but you guys do you

FRIEND: Do you want to watch Batman Forever? ME: Nah, I think I would get bored after 4-5 hours

A unification of the Iranian and Saudi royal houses would be more than just surprising, it would be shah-king

Never underestimate the power of never underestimating

Never underestimate the power of never underestimating

I wouldn't brag about how I'd welcome Hitler to my cafe but you guys do you

Here's a bit of free advice: you get what you pay for

Spent my Sunday like a proper American, consuming content all day Plan for the week is more content