Suffering is so embarrassing. Oh no, I’m participating in an inherent part of the human experience

Whoever first came up with the idea of ground beef must have been a total psycho. “Hey, let’s blend up that cow!”

I go to therapy and get worse

College almost killed me. Everything was chaos. I had no money. Friendships atrophied. I'm still paying off my degree. Grad school sounds great and is a really good idea.

Babe look, my eczema flare up makes it look like I’m getting the stigmata

Deleting every $5 subscription I have: this will surely help me escape from my crushing financial debt and have money to spend at Christmas

I would pile money in my living room and set it on fire if it got me a reliable public transit system

Every Hot Reality TV woman show should have like, one regular person in every scene. Just like eating chips or something in the background

Late to the party but Secret Lives of Mormon Wives s2 is bringing the GOODS

Brushing up on traditional ways to court women turns out I might owe her parents some livestock

Trying to play it cool with this one

I'm a pacifist until you say something annoying and wrong on the internet

People are being rude to my girlfriend online. I am going to become the pentagon

Italian people are so annoying like everything is I'm Italian "I can't leave my house cause I'm Italian" girl u were born in Nashua

My child brain imprinted on Gomez Addams and everyone in my life has suffered for it

Remembering Temple Run and taking the psychic equivalent of buck shot to my brain stem

People driving on Girard trying to die today- more than usual

my body is a machine designed to contract diseases

You should be able to take PTO if it is chilly out and you want a big nap

If your girlfriend makes you a playlist they should give you the rest of the day off so you can go make out with her about it.

I said Malthusian fallacy and she called me hot 😳

therapist: so, tell me a bit about what brings you here me:

Easter egg queen "everything is a reference" pop princess making lightning bolt merch with an 8 sided pendant gotta have fans scrambling

Stg if my body doesn't fix itself before Tuesday we're gonna have words

Bears should have the right to vote in New Jersey

Look what my girlfriend made

Yes I'm eating paint but that's the only way to sharpen the brush tip MY BLOOD LEAD LEVEL ACTUALLY DECREASED THIS CYCLE shut up

Brb gaslighting myself into believing I have scurvy

Just did math and realized my living relative was born in 1927

My hobbies include shivering like a wet Chihuahua

Ate a packet of ramen 12 hours ago ask me about politics

A video game of me trying to get almond milk to my girlfriend and the obstacles are failing civic infrastructure

I need therapy because of SEPTA which delays trains so late I miss therapy

Drinking Miller lite out of a wine glass who gives a shit anymore

Depop: feel the good kind of dead inside

I need $6000 and a smack up the backside of my head just like grandma used to

The phases of bisexual: Curious Closeted Unicorn Satanism

adderall would solve every problem in my life.

Fuck your thin mints. Freeze an Oreo.

Babe would you still love me if I became a streamer

Forgot my headphones so I might as well be dead

Shocked SHOCKED to discover the majority of my TikTok viewers are women between the ages of 18 and 35

Use the time machine to trade drugs across civilizations you fools

Doing some financial planning

You log off for two days and the beefs get so arcane you need a codex to decipher them

I am basically 3 live grenades in a trenchcoat

Spoon-feeding a girl vegan ice cream while she plays Hades

It's bagpiping weather but our Youths have abandoned the Ancestral Way and so the parking lots are silent

Logging on to lie repeatedly