Yeah we got checks (bouncing) and balances (negative)

when they said heaven is a place on earth they meant my butthole

"Hang In There, Baby" poster but the kitten is not in physical danger. It just feels overwhelmed with everything going on.

Having a brain is exhausting

inside me are two wolves and they're both annoyed with you

living the (fever) dream

*brings a grilled cheese to a knife fight so someone will cut it into triangles for me*

my magic 8 ball just started adding “bro” to all its responses

Is it safe to drink spring water in autumn or should I pour it out?

If humans squirted blood from their eyes when they felt threatened like the horned lizard, can you imagine what it would look like around here right now?

A dispensary in New York is using courier pigeons again to deliver weed. They wear little red backpacks 🎒

I love my job

I wish I knew the difference between heartburn and a cardiac event

Leave them unblocked. Make them suffer your presence.

My restless legs don’t care what time it is.

*record scratch*

[me drunk] do u think ill find love

looking for love in 𝙖𝙡𝙡 the places: right places wrong places gray areas—no one will be spared

never more vulnerable than when naked in front of a cat with the zoomies

Another day another flight

Please sir, I'm a joyless husk

i have muted so many people, it's so peaceful

Throwing myself violently on to my bed several times a day is a form of therapy.

Me: [orders pizza] Them: Would you also like our cheesy bread with sauce? Me: Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? Me: 2 please.

Slowly paddles out into the abyss wearing arm floaties

when does a duper become super

imagine hating me and I’m just over here doing the humpty hump.

apparently i think everyone hates me and is mad at me today

Sushi Sex 🤝 hitting it raw

I keep losing track of who's on to me.

bit of a cunt when i'm overwhelmed huh

I love him

BATMAN ASMR: Batman Does Your Fall Festival Makeup Using Utility Belt Tools 🍂💄1 HR SOFT BRUSHING + CLOSE-UP WHISPERS*

If you don't dry hump me from behind whenever I bend over to pick something up, what are we even doing?

sorry for being a huge bitch it's just something I love doing

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

Another day, another *reminds myself to unclench my jaw*

Sex so bad she orders some comfort food in the middle of the act.

We the people demand a decent hug emoji

I always run into a room swinging a katana in case any ninjas are hiding there

Now that I have regrets, I'm thinkin reincarnation is probably how it all works. Yeah we'll get em next time.

my ability to develop a crush needs to be studied

there are literally worse things than being in a saw trap like for instance openly expressing that you have wants and needs and are a real person

[to the mirror] 🫵 stop yearning

OMG, A SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE

Coffee outside today ✨

she's a 10 but is funnier than you