I was out of control, using spreads as dips, it was bad

Kinda weird that the White House Thanksgiving dinner only has one big kids’ table.

cats only want what's best for you (subservience)

*pronounces tomatoes like comatose*

might start saying presto chango

rain sounds (black screen, 12 hours, no ads) and chill

my favorite part of the holidays is visiting everyone's pets

Mortgage interest rates should be reduced on Black Friday

I love being dramatic on the internet

I saw Jesse McCartney this weekend and 10 year old me is sobbing

The little chain for the zipper on my makeup bag broke off and fell into a heart on my vanity 🥺

I promise to always be good at being awkward

teeth are the toenails of the mouth

the horrible truth is that no one will ever love you the way that I love popping bubble wrap

If I owned a restaurant, I'd replace all the fries with hot dogs without telling anyone.

"It's an Old Family Recipe" I say, as I poorly manage my emotional well-being

Why did they put my ramen in this container

In the US, employees are encouraged to WFH (work from hospital)

Guess who stressed herself out so bad over work she developed Shingles 🤪🤪

who up blair witch projecting

4 hour flight with a baby next to me and a baby behind me I might not make it, tell my cat I love her

I love seeing dogs at the airport

Yeah we got checks (bouncing) and balances (negative)

when they said heaven is a place on earth they meant my butthole

"Hang In There, Baby" poster but the kitten is not in physical danger. It just feels overwhelmed with everything going on.

Having a brain is exhausting

inside me are two wolves and they're both annoyed with you

living the (fever) dream

*brings a grilled cheese to a knife fight so someone will cut it into triangles for me*

my magic 8 ball just started adding “bro” to all its responses

Is it safe to drink spring water in autumn or should I pour it out?

If humans squirted blood from their eyes when they felt threatened like the horned lizard, can you imagine what it would look like around here right now?

A dispensary in New York is using courier pigeons again to deliver weed. They wear little red backpacks 🎒

I love my job

I wish I knew the difference between heartburn and a cardiac event

Leave them unblocked. Make them suffer your presence.

My restless legs don’t care what time it is.

*record scratch*

[me drunk] do u think ill find love

looking for love in 𝙖𝙡𝙡 the places: right places wrong places gray areas—no one will be spared

never more vulnerable than when naked in front of a cat with the zoomies

Another day another flight

Please sir, I'm a joyless husk

i have muted so many people, it's so peaceful

Throwing myself violently on to my bed several times a day is a form of therapy.

Me: [orders pizza] Them: Would you also like our cheesy bread with sauce? Me: Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? Me: 2 please.

Slowly paddles out into the abyss wearing arm floaties

when does a duper become super