Modern porn sitcom Eight is Enough

thankful for all my mutuals, you lovely jerks

I'm going to ask if I can fill the therapy pool with hot turkey gravy for thanksgiving

No. The Thing is a movie about a bunch of people who all distrust and hate each other trapped in one building as the tension between them slowly builds until it reaches a breaking point. It's a Thanksgiving movie.

guess i'm finally a retiree* *hate watching The Price Is Right

A silica gel packet for my balls.

(eighteen months later) “…more like Pee *Doody*!”

Me: Ha ha, fuck yeah, I need to post this shit, banger for sure! My likes:

just grow up and say you think america sucks. there’s no reason to bring the pies into this.

It’s so cool to have hitched your wagon 20 years ago to an industry that was booming beyond anyone’s expectations and have it turn out to be stripmined and utterly hollowed out by Shareholder Value, and every other industry you could slot into has been, surprise, hollowed out by Shareholder Value

Replying to a huge account until they ask me to stop and then immediately doing a skircle

#GnomonTV "Small" (1988) American fantasy comedy film about Josh Baskin (Tom Hanks), a film star who makes a wish to be "a kid again" and is then reverted to childhood overnight. youtube.com/watch?v=BGDT... gnomonchronicles.com/wiki/Small

I want a set of transitions glasses that can sense my condescending eye roll and darken beforehand

Explaining to the ER Doctor that I sprained my ankle because Party Rock Anthem was playing on the PA at Kroger

🌹 youtu.be/U7dBMYUyRAQ?...

i wanna do that cool thing DJs do where they turn the nob and the music gets all weird for a second

My phone took about 100 pictures of my bag so it must be suspicious lol

kibty

UNBAN ME FROM TWITTER YOU COWARDS

The jig is up. The frozen, fully cooked back-up thanksgiving meal I purchased from QVC when Chad announced he was going to do the ENTIRE THANKSGIVING arrived yesterday and it was too heavy for me to get into the house by myself.

You got shit on your face, you big shit face

Niggas be showing toes and the whole time their toenails be lookin like toasted almonds.

GUESS WHO'S GONE YALL!!!!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 (He got fired/lowkey quit) CHRISTMAS HAS COME EARLY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Treating myself to my favorite restaurant (eating a glazed chicken and brown rice Lean Cuisine at the bathroom counter)

that reply guy bot was annoying

Throwback to my days as a sexy librarian 🩷

get honk-shook’d motherfucker

Olivia Nuzzi is a bad writer, and I am entirely unimpressed with her sexual roster. It sits perfectly fine within my personal ethos to slut-shame anyone who chooses to lay with the detestable. Fucking the cretinous or having biblical knowledge of the contemptible is simply a bad use of a good time.

everybody got that one toenail 🤣😅

roses are red ice comes in cubes; put the confetti away &

if god is dead then who keeps smiting me

This is very cool, and not photoshopped.

Food me cereal so I know it’s true

If sexuality was a choice, then explain heterosexual women

it is a CANDY DISH, ned! ninety dollars!

Bluesky, where the famous dudes crash out

honk shoo: the legend continues

Smoky was the name of the guy the bear ate. The hat was just a good fit so he kept it

i, for one, hope that keith olbermann continues to post thru it

I’ve decided to become david bowie and none of you can stop me

Ernest Borgnine is an Oscar winner, a decorated veteran of WW2, and to cap it off his wiki brings up how much he goons and how it keeps him alive. Absolute king shit

two hundred bitcoin?? wow!! what’s that in real dollars?

We live in the future. Girls can be dads, boys can be moms… I’ve seen the bumper stickers.

oh no not This .

omg dr epstein is president

ok, i’ll bite. what’s a cloudflare?

If I spontaneously combust tonight, please know it was to avoid going to my job tomorrow and I died doing what I loved: not working.

when you gingerly touch a pan you think might be hot and get a static electric shock like haha you careful loser, zeep zap