Who wants to rest their arms on cold stone? That's just weird/ dumb.

This actually made my brain hurt for a few seconds:

Some of you know how to use a spark plug gap tool. Some of you older than. I am know how to use a timing gun.

If you devote your life, school, studies to become a Palaeontologist? There's like a 5% chance someone interested in your specialized study will sing with you at karaoke Wednesday.

I have an irrational fear that my niece studies the art of "Dr. Mario" on the original NES platform and is going to destroy me one of these days.

Don't get it wet. No bright lights. Don't feed it after midnight. I'm like the dumbest person you might ever cross paths with in your life. But even my dumbass won't have you exploding gremlins in your microwave if you give me a cute Mogwai as a gift.

How many more of these bots do I have to block? All selling the same T-shirt? At least 20 this week. This is just annoying.

Every year, for like 14 years I have googled "Boxing Day" I still don't know wtf Boxing Day is. At all.

I'm far more likely to die by slipping in the shower than I am by being attacked by a grizzly bear or great white shark. I need to reevaluate my priorities in life.

This guy gets it.

Trump did it.

Did anyone get a Lexus with a big-ass bow on it this morning?

Man, 55 minute phone call with my Mom. Went great, was really nice. But man, 55 minutes is too much. Blerg now I'm exhausted.

You ever wake up at like 2 am, and have a thought, like "oh, man, I really need to remember to do that today." Then go back to sleep, wake up 4 hours later. "Wait, wasn't there something important I needed to do?" I'll just spend my morning wondering what I'm forgetting to do.

Fifty bucks says this time next year JV Dunce will have the whole "Norad Santa Tracker" thing shut down. Because he's a dick.

30 minutes past. I'm pretty sure he's not coming.

Kindly reminder. If you're an Uncle? On Christmas it doesn't matter what. If a niece or nephew asks you to do anything? The answer is "yes."

Santa last spotted over Yemen. I only have like 45 minutes to put out cookies and retreat to bed.

Whatever beliefs you have? Religion, rituals, customs, goofy things your family does? Or nothing at all. Anywhere in between or outside of it all. I hope you awaken tomorrow feeling well, and comforted. I hope this finds you in good spirits. If not? Well, you're not alone. And you deserve happiness

Dear Greenland, I'm sorry my government is shit. Not all of us are fuckwads. Sincerely, Sane America

So, I just I just live in a really dense cloud now. I swear there is a city, and mountains, and cars and shit in the distance somewhere.

Like 14 motherf*cking bots in the last 4 days with the same f*cking shirt for sale.

If you want something fun to dwell upon? There are some teenagers sprinkled about the United States who will recieve a high-capacity semi auto rifle as a Christmas present tomorrow morning. /sorry

If there's one thing I've learned in the second drumph term? It's that there are SURPRISINGLY few people in government (read none) willing to speak out to a press that has legally supported rights to shield them, or to whistleblower agencies built specifically to protect them. Where is everyone?

Dear listeners, When the days feel narrow and the noise gets loud, try a song. Not as escape — as evidence. Someone, somewhere, once felt this too and made something that still holds. If hope is hiding, it often hums first.

Yeah, once you have your flights and hotel details in your inbox and saved to your phone? You're physically *at* work. But you're not really at work.

*ponders* It's been a long time since I've stubbed a toe on a piece of furniture. *books a hotel room* Yep, that should do it.

While you plan your Christmas and New Years holidays, remember. There are thousands of children working tirelessly around the clock to repackage all of the uneaten Candy Corn so that Wal-Mart can sell it to you again next year.

With ya

All I ever want in life sometimes is to sleep well. That's it. That's all I want in life. Not riches or yachts or gourmet delights. Just to rest my head on a pillow and sleep well feeling okay.

Whatever happened to these things? That was a proper breakfast if you hit up the Circle-K on your way into school.

Just a helpful tip from one Uncle to any other. If you're planning on giving your niece or nephew a loud/ obnoxious gift just to piss off your sibling? Remove the batteries from it first. Then, when they open it? Show them where and how to install them. Follow up with a 24 pack of AA batteries.

Long before the *gif "it's pronounced jif!" "no, it's gif!" argument... The OG. No one knows how to pronounce this, don't lie.

Do parents still have to sneak around at 1 a.m. on Christmas morning putting bikes and dollhouses and whatnot together? Or did we just collectively outgrow that?

It's kinda crazy that if the sun barely shines through the clouds in mid-December you briefly remember that there are good things about life. And then it starts raining again and you remember everything about life sucks for 5 straight months. Fuck winter. I miss sunlight.

I'm not a business major or anything (phi theta kappa 4lif!!!) But if I were in the business of selling drugs, to people that wanted to buy the drugs that I was selling? I probably wouldn't sell drugs that killed the drug using customers I'm selling drugs to. Maybe I don't get it.

Honest question, bc I don't actually know. Why, legally, can't Jack Smith sit with Rachel Maddow Monday night? He knows what is classified, and wouldn't breach it. Otherwise he still has his 1A rights. I get trying to appear impartial. They stole that from you, sir. Go live. Please.

Oh, those were simpler times. Destroying buildings, grasping people from their apartments and devouring them. Smashing cop cars. Oh, to be young again.

*ponders* You know whose names are absent from the Epstein flight logs? Half-scoop and I'm ERIC. Because no father wants his lame kids tagging along while he's chasing tail. They might have recognized the victims from their middle school.

It's always fun when you try to do something online and a program or website or whatever is like "wait, wait a minute... we're gonna have to make sure you're not some kind of bot. We don't want THEM in our neighborhood." And you have to play it cool. "Nah, man. I'm human. 💯"

Is it just me, or have instances of creepy men in trenchcoats flashing random women gone down drastically in the last 25 years? Or does it just not get as reported/ shown in the news as much?

How it's packaged vs. what's actually inside. This is some BS right here:

I'm old enough to remember when a Black POTUS was respected through out the world

One of my favorites

*ponders* We all set our own metrics. But I haven't slept on a pull-out sofa couch in like 12 years. I'll celebrate that one. /this isn't a competition

I don't think I've ever heard anyone use the term "prodigal son" in its proper context.

Accidentally set my google maps to only show ways to get around by public transit that are wheelchair accessible and whoops now I’m enraged.

With the Epstein Files due to be released tomorrow (heavilly redacted portions, to be sure), how many times do you expect to hear/ read the word "exonerated?" I'll put the O/U at 22.5.

Several young academics pusuing their phD programs right now at Ivy league schools have eaten Tide pods. I don't have any factual basis for this, but statistics generally don't lie.

If you walked into the voting booth and put a fucking check mark next to "Donald J. Trump" for President, you cannot fucking say "I didn't vote for this". YES YOU DID. You checked the box, you posted the memes, you owned the libs, and now we are all being rewarded for your hatred and racism. Thanks.