So... With the whole "Iran" thing going on? Is China gonna go after Taiwan? This is bad.

I hope in 10 years urban explorers are posting eerie pics of data centers like old shopping malls left alone and abandoned to rot away in time.

DOCTOR: The news is bad. It may be time to put your affairs in order ME: [awkward whisper] Dude, my wife is like, right there.

My body holds 2 people at once right now. I have 2 heart beats. I am a Time Lord

Now time to get back into the US, unfortunately

Probably just me, but blacklights have a more of a purple/ violet hue to them.

Confused florist for flourish so I spent the entire job interview spinning my katana like an idiot. 45 minute long sword act and they wait til the end to tell me.

I've had France24 on in the background for a few hours. 100% wall-to-wall coverage of Iran. Not even a five-minute aside to address the Epstein 'philes.

They're just so dumb it physically hurts sometimes. Like fremdschämen on a logarithmic scale.

I've been using the "mute" function more and more recently. Same team, but fucking hell do you have to copy/ paste the exact same thing to every comment? You're not helping. You're pestering. And annoying. Go away.

I saw a comment the said we aren’t “angry enough.” But all we are is angry. Our veins circulate it like acid. It cracks our sternums. It poisons and paralyzes us. We hiss and spit at each other, all impotent, helpless rage. We don’t need more anger. We need more direction.

Growing old is that moment when you find yourself laying down on the bed to put your pants and socks on, and realizing "wait, didn't I always do this standing up? How long have I been doing THIS?

Does anyone actually do the breakfast/ lunch/ dinner thing every day? Like, everyday?

I disagree. Pink Himalayan sea salt is food. And, according to the label, is 200 MILLION years old. But the other label says “best before August 31” So there’s that.

groucho in the grass!

Me, tugging at that one weird eyebrow hair that always grows like 1" long: "Why won't you die?!"

Crap, I gotta bring in my watch guy to advace them all from the 29th to the 1st. I hate February. Skipping the 31st some months is no issue. But 29th, 30th, AND 31st? No one's got time for that.

So cool! Have a great trip.

I will play that funky music for you. However, I see no reason for you to reference my race or gender. And I think doing it until you die is excessive and I will not be a part of that.

More good news for Bruce Springsteen's Land of Hopes and Dreams tour.

There is nothing friendly about a bigger and stronger bully country “taking over” another sovereign country. I hate being a part of the bully nation. We used to be the country that helped others. Now the bullies keep everything for the super rich who are happy to support the bullies no matter what.

I haven't been paying too much attention to it. So I might be wrong. The entire world turns angry on Elon Musk, Tesla sales tank. So Tesla is like "what? We make robots...."

Okay, Rob. You only need to do this one VERY important thing today. Cool? Trust me I got this. *fast forward 14 hours* I think there was something important I was gonna do today

Those kids you've been raising are going to be pretty angry when they realize we've had the cheat codes to literally every single game we've ever played.

I like James Talarico. I love Jasmine Crockett.

Why do sharks just get rows and rows of new teeth but I got 25 cents for like five of them and I have to brush and floss most weeks?

Fun fact. You're a grown-up and can have an ice cream sandwich any damn time you want to. Provided that you purchased ice cream sandwiches in advance.

*reflects on life* It IS surprising I'm not missing any limbs or teeth or organs. But I am still young.

Your card IS the 4 of spades! No? 4 of Hearts? Still no? Well fuck I'm pretty much out of ideas at this point.

Women can go into a sex shop and buy the Bugatti of a vibrator. A Ferrari of a dildo. A Lamborghini of a toy no guy even KNEW a woman wanted. Our sex gel warms up a bit.

Based solely on my knowledge from watching cartoons from the 1940's until present day? Cat's are assholes. To literally everything

"Everything Zen" You so sure now, Gavin?

*crumples up bales of cilantro* *spreads it on the doorways and windows* That'll keep those weird soap eaters out.

16 years after I exclaimed "I will eat my shoe if he's ever elected." 3324 days of trying to make a well worn pair of Doc Martin's edible.

Two Elotes, a Taco al Pastor, and one of those bacon wrapped hotdogs walk into a joke I'm making while missing Mexico.

*rips off another page from his "The Far Side" daily calender* Swear to god they're just recycling the same comics from last year.

@hakeem-jeffries.bsky.social just took a $25,000.00 donation from Palantir.... And you think he gives a damn about any of us?

I'm currently working for Delta Airlines in their "customer satisfaction department." We're not actually allowed to do any actual work. All we know is that our cubicles shrink by 1/8th of an inch each night.

Going on day 10 of trying to figure out this washer/ dryer combo thing. Seriously LG I don't know what I've done in this or any previous life of mine that deserves such scorn.

Let me re-introduce myself. And why our campaign is doing things differently.

Dutch Bros employees surprised a shelter volunteer with enough pup cups for every dog in the shelter. 13/10 for all (TT: juliesaraceno2)

I've always wanted to travel to Australia. But no matter where in the World you are? Australia is both 17 time zones ahead of you and also 28 time zones behind you. Also I'm pretty sure getting there involves a steamship of some type.

You’re welcome to come scream with me and the girls anytime. No gender restrictions on screaming into the void on my watch.

Me:

Entenmann's Cheese Filled Crumb Cake.

*enters ring* Okay, two otters and six penguins, water challenge, I've trained for this. *400 lb. can of Chef Boyardi Meat Ravioli appears* Well fuck.

I just want to say this, for all off the Olympic athletes? Where were your parents when you were like "I'ma go face first down this death tunnel" or I can probably launch myself 700 meters off of a ski slope?" Pretty cool.

Not a huge fan of using literacy/reading level as a gauge of how intelligent someone is. I work in a library bro. There’s adults that weren’t taught properly. Learning disabilities exist. Some kids don’t enjoy reading. None of this means they’re not smart.

Did that whole "no pennies" thing go into affect yet?