The only thing worse than small talk is when it turns into medium talk.

Scented garbage bags are incredible. My trash smells so good, I’ve decided to keep it.

If humans were meant to be morning people, the sun wouldn’t be so aggressive about its entrance.

Nothing makes me feel more like a criminal than walking out of a store without buying anything.

If I ever go missing, don't put my face on a milk carton. Put it on the "Skip Ad" button. That’s where people are actually looking.

I’m single by choice. Not my choice, mind you, but it’s definitely a choice being made by somebody.

Bosses who send emails on Sundays are the human equivalent of the low-battery chirp from a smoke detector.

People who say “I’m a good listener” are usually the ones who never shut the fuck up.

I have a very specific "look" I go for in the morning. It’s called "I hope I don’t run into anyone I know."

Thanks for the email, but I don’t need a smart toilet with Bluetooth and a heated seat. If my plumbing starts collecting data on my "output," I’m moving to the woods with a bucket.

January 1st is the only day of the year where everyone pretends they’re a brand-new person for exactly 6 hours. By noon, the "New Me" is usually face-down in a pizza.

"Bomb Cyclone" is just branding. "Big-Ass Blizzard" didn't sound expensive enough.

Nothing makes you feel single like being asked to take the group photo.

“All is calm, all is bright” is what people say right before the relatives arrive.

I'm not tech support, but I'm about to delete all these cookies.

Grease 3 looks weak.

I start the day jolly, but then people happen.

Work potluck signup sheet: “Bring something homemade.” Buddy, the only thing I make at home is bad decisions. You want those in a casserole dish?

My keys fell in the snow and now they’re gone forever. Time to start a new life under a new name in a warmer climate.

I’m not Santa, but I do understand the urge to vanish for 11 months.

dropping a giant anvil on myself

Pi is infinite. Pie is intimate. You’ll discover crumbs in places crumbs should not be.

I don’t shovel snow—I just angrily rearrange it.

Me walking into a small shop: “I’m just browsing.” Me walking out: “Why do I own artisanal salsa?”

To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news

I have little in common with people who have a lot in common with other people.

Today’s fitness tip: carrying Tupperware to the microwave counts as resistance training.

People be throwing elbows for a TV like they weren’t just preaching gratitude yesterday.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow… said no one with a driveway ever.

My mom asked if I’m bringing a date to Thanksgiving. I said, “Sure, if DoorDash offers that service.”

My flirting technique is mostly just me trying not to say something weird… and failing spectacularly.

I’m not indecisive. I’m just committed to exploring all 47 terrible options.

You can’t spell better without beer and tt’s lol that’s the one send it

People who say “I’m just being honest” are usually just being assholes.

I don’t get why we say “sleep tight.” I’m sleeping loose, floppy, and aggressively horizontal.

It’s Friday, I’m in loathe

Up early on a Saturday. I think this is how villains are born.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

Radar app: “Snow according to current models.” Me: “What the fuck does Kendall Jenner know about weather?”

Fall back? Listen, I’ve been falling back all year. The clock’s just catching up

Welcome to November. I expect Mariah Carey to kick down the door any second.

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

Another day, another “what the fuck am I doing?”

My Halloween costume always ends up being, ‘guy eating candy in sweatpants.’

That’s enough being perceived for one day.

My Apple Watch congratulated me for standing up. Clearly, I’ve set the bar pretty low.

Just once, I’d like my GPS to say “bro, you literally just passed it.”

The wind’s so bad today, my neighbor’s Halloween decorations just moved to a better neighborhood.