I put my phone on silent so I can ignore everyone equally and fairly.

My brain at 3 am solves quantum physics. My brain at 9 am can’t locate the coffee mug in my hand.

“Be the change you want to see” — me, changing the Wi-Fi password so the smart TV stops judging my choices.

My toast landed butter-side down and it felt like a metaphor for my entire existence.

Happy 3/14. The one day a year when being irrational is socially acceptable. The rest of the year, it’s just called “my personality.”

Autopay exists so your money can leave without the awkward goodbye.

I don’t ghost, I just let conversations achieve room temperature naturally.

My vibe is aggressively mediocre and I’m at peace with it.

Holding doors for people stresses me out. You hold it too long, you’re weird. You don’t hold it, you’re an asshole. There’s no winning.

The only turn on in my life right now is the fridge light.

I put the “fun” in dysfunctional. You’re welcome.

Fitness app congratulated me for closing my rings. I closed them by reaching for the remote.

Another successful day of pretending I have my shit together. Standing ovation, please.

Success? Nah. I’m thriving at being a dumbass.

USA-Canada hockey GOLD at 8:10 am ET this morning? It’s not day drinking — it’s Olympic brunch.

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

Apparently, my future is so bright it’s actually invisible. Anyway, thanks for the existential crisis with my Orange Chicken.

Recipe serving sizes are for families of ants.

The unsubscribe button is the most satisfying lie on the internet.

The local news anchor is standing in a parking lot in a parka, trying to convince me it’s cold. I have a window, Brenda.

The only thing worse than small talk is when it turns into medium talk.

Scented garbage bags are incredible. My trash smells so good, I’ve decided to keep it.

If humans were meant to be morning people, the sun wouldn’t be so aggressive about its entrance.

Nothing makes me feel more like a criminal than walking out of a store without buying anything.

If I ever go missing, don't put my face on a milk carton. Put it on the "Skip Ad" button. That’s where people are actually looking.

I’m single by choice. Not my choice, mind you, but it’s definitely a choice being made by somebody.

Bosses who send emails on Sundays are the human equivalent of the low-battery chirp from a smoke detector.

People who say “I’m a good listener” are usually the ones who never shut the fuck up.

I have a very specific "look" I go for in the morning. It’s called "I hope I don’t run into anyone I know."

Thanks for the email, but I don’t need a smart toilet with Bluetooth and a heated seat. If my plumbing starts collecting data on my "output," I’m moving to the woods with a bucket.

January 1st is the only day of the year where everyone pretends they’re a brand-new person for exactly 6 hours. By noon, the "New Me" is usually face-down in a pizza.

"Bomb Cyclone" is just branding. "Big-Ass Blizzard" didn't sound expensive enough.

Nothing makes you feel single like being asked to take the group photo.

“All is calm, all is bright” is what people say right before the relatives arrive.

I'm not tech support, but I'm about to delete all these cookies.

Grease 3 looks weak.

I start the day jolly, but then people happen.

Work potluck signup sheet: “Bring something homemade.” Buddy, the only thing I make at home is bad decisions. You want those in a casserole dish?

My keys fell in the snow and now they’re gone forever. Time to start a new life under a new name in a warmer climate.

I’m not Santa, but I do understand the urge to vanish for 11 months.

Pi is infinite. Pie is intimate. You’ll discover crumbs in places crumbs should not be.

I don’t shovel snow—I just angrily rearrange it.

Me walking into a small shop: “I’m just browsing.” Me walking out: “Why do I own artisanal salsa?”

To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news

I have little in common with people who have a lot in common with other people.

Today’s fitness tip: carrying Tupperware to the microwave counts as resistance training.

People be throwing elbows for a TV like they weren’t just preaching gratitude yesterday.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.