I’m not Santa, but I do understand the urge to vanish for 11 months.

dropping a giant anvil on myself

Pi is infinite. Pie is intimate. You’ll discover crumbs in places crumbs should not be.

I don’t shovel snow—I just angrily rearrange it.

Me walking into a small shop: “I’m just browsing.” Me walking out: “Why do I own artisanal salsa?”

To all the elderly ladies who told me I’d be a real heartbreaker when I was 7, I have some pretty devastating news

my houseplants unionized and are now withholding oxygen until i pay them in direct sunlight and compliments.

I have little in common with people who have a lot in common with other people.

Today’s fitness tip: carrying Tupperware to the microwave counts as resistance training.

People be throwing elbows for a TV like they weren’t just preaching gratitude yesterday.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow… said no one with a driveway ever.

My mom asked if I’m bringing a date to Thanksgiving. I said, “Sure, if DoorDash offers that service.”

My flirting technique is mostly just me trying not to say something weird… and failing spectacularly.

I’m not indecisive. I’m just committed to exploring all 47 terrible options.

You can’t spell better without beer and tt’s lol that’s the one send it

People who say “I’m just being honest” are usually just being assholes.

I don’t get why we say “sleep tight.” I’m sleeping loose, floppy, and aggressively horizontal.

It’s Friday, I’m in loathe

Up early on a Saturday. I think this is how villains are born.

I don't delete my bad posts because why should I suffer alone.

Radar app: “Snow according to current models.” Me: “What the fuck does Kendall Jenner know about weather?”

Fall back? Listen, I’ve been falling back all year. The clock’s just catching up

Welcome to November. I expect Mariah Carey to kick down the door any second.

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

Another day, another “what the fuck am I doing?”

My Halloween costume always ends up being, ‘guy eating candy in sweatpants.’

That’s enough being perceived for one day.

My Apple Watch congratulated me for standing up. Clearly, I’ve set the bar pretty low.

Just once, I’d like my GPS to say “bro, you literally just passed it.”

The wind’s so bad today, my neighbor’s Halloween decorations just moved to a better neighborhood.

Love may be in the air, but so is seasonal depression. Cheers!

My coffee maker’s gurgling like it’s auditioning for a death metal band.

I didn’t lose control; I just misplaced it.

My flirting style? Think “rom-com lead,” but it’s the blooper reel.

My coffee is strong, but my will to do stuff is not.

Yes I'm still watching, Netflix, and it's not like you don't have things to be ashamed of.

“Children are the world's most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.” - John F. Kennedy

Apparently, the going price for a devil's haircut is two turntables and a microphone.

I'm watching the guy across the road using a leaf blower to blow his leaves into his neighbour's yard and friends, never stop learning

I feel your pain no that's mine.

Kids these days will never understand the chokehold Bryan Adams had on us in the 90s

The great thing about alt text is that it's another place to add an additional shitpost.

I’m not a morning person, or an afternoon person. Honestly, I’m barely a person.

Why do elevators always smell like someone’s bad life choices?

If Friday had a “fast forward” button, I’d put my finger straight through this iPhone pushing it.

Just burned 1200 calories… forgot my pizza in the oven.

My reality check bounced again.

I don’t hold grudges. I catalog them with footnotes.