Sir, it’s a shitpost, try not to hurt yourself thinking about it.

Realized a frozen sandwich just hits differently

Less drama, more llamas

in seasons of upheaval and pain, recapture the things that give you joy like the cool feeling of hemorrhoid cream on your butthole

Tried to show off to the kids by eating 5 warheads at once. Now I have a permanent duck face.

[teaching a voodoo class] You really have to get people to spill their guts to get a proper reading

i love being in my 30s, i wouldn’t replace this neck pain from sleeping a cm off center of my pillow at night for anything 🤡🤡🤡

As a stay home dad, one of my jobs is to keep my wife's stomach full and her uterus empty.

One time a guy told me I probably “collect hearts like dragon balls” and I still think about it lol

Hahaha that's cute. Now try convincing your dog you get an extra hour of sleep

[my grandpa in his 40s] i am so proud of what ive accomplished in my life [me in my 40s] oh wow funerals cost a lot i should take up ditch digging

keep yourself humble by inadvertently catching yourself on your ring camera

Filling myself with crab ragoon when I know damn well there's no crab in this delicious piece of fried pastry.

Make life more interesting by being the most absolutely batshit crazy version of you.

What does a cheese lover do when they need some quiet time? They provolone.

going to start jumping into every random convo i see on my tl and make it about horses

You know you are getting old when you start dating past events by how many hairstyles ago.

Drop your shitposting devices and go vote my internet friends.

Gonna go lie under a tree and hope the falling leave smother me

No nut November has always been detrimental to my mental health. Not eating walnuts really makes me sad.

Growing old is realizing that everything you loved as a kid always makes a comeback. I draw the line at Tickle Me Elmo though, that bish never reciprocated.

Godzilla day is a good reminder that if Skynet ever becomes a reality, Godzilla will rise to destroy us all.

my productivity plan for all this darkness is to take a million naps

I use an avatar instead of a real pfp because I want all my AI followers to know I am one of them when they take over this planet.

I’m “Blockbuster and relax” years old.

I don’t think before I speak. I just send it and hope it wasn’t weird

not all enchanted lockets will trap the souls of your enemies choose wisely

One extra hour in the day, one extra hour of this 6-7 nonsense.

Kids don’t care about daylight savings. Up at 5am it is.

If you dislike my posts I’m going to tell your mom

What if we all just keep turning back the clock until everything is fun again? I’m thinking pre-kardashian era probably.

How much candy do I have to eat until I’m eligible for ozempic? Let’s find out.

What happens when a vampire gets bronchitis? They lay down and keep coffin.