From Slip ’n Slide to Astroglide: A Menopause Memoir

Just me and my ADHD against ……….

Still replaying a round table intro I fumbled 18 months ago like my brain runs a 24-hour embarrassment rerun channel.

Me: Hi. Her: I don’t think so, lunatic.

If anyone has a cure or help with anxiety that isn't a substance I don't have on hand and can't get or an empty platitude like "calm down" or meditating with my bhole to the sun, I am all ears

My typos consist of leaving whole words out of sentences.

Having a little treat before bedtime (antacids).

At this point, I’m 98% despair.

I want a friends with benefits setup where the benefit is a foot rub until I fall asleep.

Look me in the ass and tell me you love me.

here on Bluesky "barely legal" means you're 37

If I eat nothing but 25¢ ramen for the foreseeable future, I’ll still be flat broke until the day I die.

i'm five days behind on bluesky no spoilers

[On a date] you wouldn't believe how many HDMI cables I have

I come from a long line of people who died.

survival tips for being the woke scold of your friend group: it’s not your fault holding up a mirror makes them feel bad 🤷🏻‍♀️

i went outside yesterday you can’t make me do it again today my nipples are still frozen

My horoscope said that the person of my dreams could be right in front of me today. I think they didn't consider the fact that the person of my dreams is a strong national Democratic leader who can abolish ICE and remove the current grifters and villains from this administration

Not everybody was kung fu fighting. I saw a little thumb wrestling, too.

We out here peddling butthole jokes for 30 likes.

*seductively recedes into the nothingness

Maybe we need to start throwing bad people into active volcanoes to get some of that hope flowing again.

the arrest of journalists in minneapolis, including don lemon, is more evidence that the only move the administration knows how to make is to use force, and does not know how to respond when that force is met with defiance and indifference.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, "Well, that's not going to happen."

If you have something to say about me say it to my butthole.

My haters are calling an emergency meeting

the masculine urge to blow my nose in the shower

I have a crush, so I put his first initial on my nails. If he doesn’t notice, clearly not my soulmate.

ELON MUSK: your island is so freaking like, based. it's seriously like effing amazeballs. i'm going to basically be making like all of mars totally just like the same as how epic this is STEPHEN HAWKING: jeff rey why, did you in vite, this lame, ass nerd

common mistake! it's actually spelled Epenstain Files

can someone tell the Kool-Aid Man that it’s not “oh yeah” right now, it’s actually extremely “oh no” atm

one good thing about middle age is that i'm no longer worried about popping a surprise boner while getting sensitive areas worked on by healthcare practitioners like a massage therapist or shrink

It's doomsday o'clock somewhere

Me: trying to read. The edible I ate an hour ago: initiating interdimensional travel.

Me texting my best friend who made me weed cookies and strongly advised I only eat a quarter of a cookie:

I just tried one of those air pulse vibrators and respectfully, men can log out of my life forever.

I am sore from farting all night

Cried at 3am but got to curb stomp a bitch in my dreams. It’s called balance.

Wives are a lot like grenades Take away the ring and boom your house is gone

I’ve seen enough. It’s time to arrest Jeffrey Epstein!

I challenge you to find a term more confusing than biweekly.

Me watching someone post the same online heartbreak story for the 12th time and then insist they’re thriving. The only thing thriving is my eye-roll muscles.

Heated rivalry between myself and spicy potato chips.

on the bright side of things, there's maybe next year.

Just when you think no one else can toss a long onto our collective dumpster fire this week, you find out Catherine O'Hara died and life and death continue to choose the wrong people to take or leave

hello yes i would like a shitty person to experience a consequence? idk man fucking any of them surprise me yes i'll hold

Beginning to understand why the kids were eating tide pods there for a bit.

my teens asked me to take them protesting this weekend. and they’re bringing friends. the kids are gonna be alright

i have too many kids and too many pets to serve food without a hair in it this is a hair house

Trying to determine if my system will tolerate a 3rd nap today