I’m so moody today. I don’t know if I need to eat a snickers or a dick.

Has Rusty Gunter passed over to Bluesky yet?!?!

Get a Brazilian wax, BUT leave the ass hair.. Like a vagina mullet. Business in the front, Party in the rear

Flapjacking is the female equivalent to teabagging

Once again, I am asking you for your validation.

I just took a dna test turns out I’m a mulatto, an albino A mosquito, my libido.. yeah

Sorry I was part of the problem. It will happen again

Just wait until I get my shit posting mojo back.

How do you find out if you've been put on a list?

I'd like to start a tribute band called The Rising Dead. We're going to play heavy metal versions of all the Grateful Dead songs

Has anyone else noticed that any follow up questions are basically rhetorical?

I'll do whatever you want me to if you just bring me tacos

Before you decide to become a mormon, the whole “latter day” thing has nothing to do with sleeping in.

I wish I could donate my facial hair to my uncle… He’s always wanted a nice thick mustache.

I am my own worst enemy through no fault of my own.

took a nap and had a dream that Mormons delivered cupcakes to my house

What if we made out at the Saxsquatch concert on February 27th

Men only use 10% of the microplastics in their balls

You can never have… too many books too many laughs too many hugs

[drinking strawberry milk through a Krazy Straw that's attached to my face like eyeglasses] Me: Hey man why don't you grow up

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud He's currently doing a very long stretch

Alexa, blame it on the boogie.

You look like you have irritable bowels *followed*

the world may never again be as united as it was the year Gangnam Style came out

If we were enemies on Twitter because that one lady told that you weren’t allowed to be my friend, well…I forgive you.

You should dance like nobody is watching, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, and nap. Nap so much. The more you nap the less time you have to be awake surrounded by the horrors.

Are y’all still wondering why she lost the election ? JFC

*babygirl slowly tracing the bumps on my skull with a claw hammer

huh? oh, it’s nothing a restorative broth and some laudanum couldn’t fix

I know many of you are trying to stay away from the news for the next 48 hours and I get it but have you considered self-immolation

Oh, you’re horny? Wow, that’s groundbreaking, congrats on being a leader in your field.

pay attention to me harder

an onlyfans but it’s just me scrawling erotic poems on bathroom walls

I judge my own posts by which of yall like/repost

An adhd qualifier question should be whether you find yourself walking around your house with only one shoe or sock on

I knew it was a bot bc the message said I seem very friendly

Don’t give up on your dreams – never give up on your dreams but bring a bag lunch just in case

showing up to church at the wrong time today because time’s not real and neither is g- *gets yanked off stage*

It was the best of times, it was the Big Bang Theory of times.

It was the Sam and Diane of times, it was the Sam and Rebecca of times.

I’m not into casual sex. Send me a résumé.

[watching a musical] god, please don’t let it be another song…

It's Monday afternoon, and work has been a nightmare of incompetence you could barely imagine. Time for a quick round of 'Is This Flu, Or Is It COVID?' FML

me, missing patches of skin: I put the ice directly on the pain because that pain felt better than the other pain

Moving out of this flat in a few weeks time just as everything in it's starting to crack and crumble and break all around me and I mean, never say never and all but this is probably the closest i'm ever gonna get to a proper Indiana Jones escape