Every self-described sapiosexual I’ve met has been dumb as shit

Glamping weekend ruined by bougie bear attack.

I often think about that time the Golden Globes didn’t quite grasp the concept of “fun”.

The more accepting I become of my condition, the quieter I get. I wish people would understand, but I know everyone is caught up on their own life and I am just an afterthought.

Unfortunately my presentation on the Titanic at the historical society didn’t go down well.

I've been so busy looksmaxxing I neglected my aura farm—now my rizz tomatoes, sigma peppers, and gyatt eggplants are wilting in the skibidi sun. It's lowkey giving L. Oh, who am I kidding? All I've got is scapular aches, no cap.

To give an idea of Sabastian Sawe's running pace, if you ran a marathon at that speed you would be finished in less than TWO HOURS

The science is clear: trees cool cities, stabilise ecosystems, save lives. Yet, across India, amid record-breaking heat that is about to get worse, millions of trees are being removed, turning a climate crisis into a public health emergency, writes Kavitha Iyer article-14.com/post/amid-a-...

Alexa, show me a dish that sounds like it’s from Madhya Pradesh but is actually, quite literally, Caucasian.

It seems to me that clandestine should probably mean being fated to join a far-right white supremacist hate group.

Who called it “blood alcohol content” and not “the DUI decimal system”?

Whenever I’m on the verge of leaving an ‘Actually…’ type response on a post I typically put myself in a little time out until the moment has passed.

Last Friday, Trump fired the National Science Board. The NSB is made up of distinguished scientists whose job is to oversee the National Science Foundation, setting research priorities by thinking beyond election cycles. It was designed to be independent. We don't know what this means, but it's bad.

Jesus Hylotomous Christ. 🪚

Nuh uh. Not gonna fall for that one. Next you're gonna make "Your Stripper Name is Your Mother's Maiden Name and The Street You Grew Up On" viral again.

Who’s your birthday twin?

Whenever somebody asks if I’m a cat person or a dog person, I say, “Neither—I’m a Camel person,” and light one up.

I wish we had met before we both turned bitter.

—Beyolksé

I love normal chocolate, but if only it was 75% Sand. — The wise sage of Dubai

When movies were shot on physical film, the film was measured in feet. This is why any recorded thing is now called ‘footage.'

How To Live A Good Life #oldknees

School of fish College of sharks University of Wales I came up with this in school and thought you guys should know.

O, how I wish it were always just so—sunshine caught in the folds of every hour. I say it too quickly, an interim drunk, forgetting it’s transience that gives it its worth. If joy lingered, the sweetness would rot; I’d drown in dulled comfort, a miserable fool, graceless to the gift of impermanence.

Jodie Foster remains unimpressed.

It's impossible not to have a smudge on your glasses.

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the mentalist?

Every time I see “iykyk” my brain goes “ick-yick” and I have to think harder than should be necessary to remember what it means

If a super villain attacks my house, and their only weakness is leftover soy sauce packets from the take-out spot, they are so screwed.

What GenAI has revealed to me is that I have been playing my life on hard mode, that is, actually having respect enough for myself and other people to care whether what I do is standing on a firm foundation of my own work and understanding.

Don't bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring it to a film, to live music, to the theater. Take it for hikes in the woods. Teach it to swim. Make time to laugh together. It's up to you to break the cycle.

Nature is healing.

If Asians are so good at math, why do they have dim sum? Checkmate, racialists.

It’s wild “mental well-being” and “crazy frog” can mean the same. English is bonkers.

I am absolutely shite at recognising when someone is flirting with me. Like, comically bad at it. My mates would mock me about it. But something happened today that made me so happy. 1/?

Love someone the way Van Gogh loved his postman and his postman's beard

To potatoes, being “hot” means nobody wants you.

5D math.

Why do some words sound like their opposites? Pulchritude, for instance. It means "physical comeliness" when it should mean "physical vomit-ness"

When Einstein developed general relativity the closest thing to a practical application that could even be imagined at the time was a slightly more precise description of where to look for the planet Mercury in the sky, and yet now we’d all be literally lost without it. Anyway: fund basic research.

Being a professor is just giving yourself homework for the rest of your life.

On St. George’s Day, we commemorate the legendary internecine battle between Popy and John’s, waged not with swords but through TV screens and radio sets across the bitter‑gourd‑shaped region I call home—their parasolic lore and ballads (jingles, some insist) still chanted at nostalgic gatherings. 🐉

I hate “engagement bait” posts. Why would people want to interact with other humans, like we’re social creatures who need each other to be happy? I only follow accounts who post for the express purpose of being totally ignored. And then I mute them, because that's what they would want.

Yes, Swiss scientist Fritz Zwicky coined the term “dark matter” which is impressive, but he also coined the term “spherical bastard” to describe people who are bastards no matter which way you look at them, and I think that should be celebrated more.

No, but Destiny’s child might. I’m a survivor.

Engagement. Lots of users here choose not to follow accounts that don't consistently include alt text -- nor to like / repost / comment on posts that contain images without alt text. I'm one of them; I know I've made that clear plenty of times. I'm not alone. (2/)

What was I like in the nineties? Unbearable, nothing’s changed.

Alexa, where does a mummy go for some late-night dosa and omelet?