I'm gonna not only jump Springfield Gorge, I'm gonna kickflip ollie 360 over that MFer and destroy Homer Simpson's whole world.

I wish I was the unpopular foreman of a gritty crew. I’d trudge around pulling up my pants yelling, “Get back to work ya buncha bozos!”

Wake up, babe. A new cure for COVID and Autism just dropped

I warned you that you should've called Morgan & Morgan. I tried to tell you, bro.

There should be a guillotine emoticon.

Honey, while you're out, could you swing by the Walmart and pick up some healthcare?

This was the future of driving that they took from you.

I don't want a timer on my electric blanket. Don't turn off until my internal temperature reaches 163 degrees and my juices run clear.

the glass isn't half full or half empty. it has no bottom. no matter how much time and effort you spend pouring and pouring you have nothing to show for it. your life is meaningless. your dreams are dead. god is dead. so why not make this a happy honda days to remember?

Leaving a burning paper bag full of good vibes on my neighbors porch.

I think we should normalize wearing wing suits in every day settings. I wish to spread my arms and legs to display my colorful nylon plumage.

gm come here

In that magical morning-time moment, between the unbridled bliss of unconsciousness and before the horrors of the world have begun to sink back in.

Me when I realized that DoorDashers get their bag by leaving your bag.

mfing Whoville lookin’ ass cabinet, this jusy ruined my whole god dam day smfh fuck this shit

Science has not accomplished anything good until I'm driving a woolly mammoth to the grocery store.

Burning down this house of lies. (Olive Garden)

I don't believe that you could, in any meaningful way, restrain a 7 foot tall Danny Devito.

I caught them red-handed being extremely cute but they fled the scene before I could get a good photo for evidence.

I feel people would respect me more if I had a tail like an alligator.

If you do this when your landlord asks for the rent, they will ask for forgiveness for their sin and bow to your glory.

It's not Mike Johnson's fault that he's so dumb. You'd be dumb too if you spent your formative school years being stuffed into a locker.

Everything is sexually suggestive to the insanely horny.

I'd like to thank everyone for putting up with me, my whore mother for giving me a bad relationship with sex, and the writers at american dad who's jokes i steal

if you tell your parents that you don’t want to have kids and they look offended, it’s because they’re thinking “damn, why didn’t I think of that“

Oh shit. Oh fuck.

What if all the guys you invented suddenly became real and they all needed a place to stay. So, they all moved into your house, ate all your food and clogged up your toilet.

It feels like there's been some sort of disturbance in the matrix.

More like Marjorie Taylor waving the White flag.

this is so true. everyone should be following @derekhill.bsky.social

Friday Night MOTHAFUKKAZ!

lmao

It's coming, if Allah wills it.

he charmed that demented old man so hard he could’ve gotten into his will lmao

lmao

Our government is sourcing their comms interns from /pol/

Not a sport? Then, explain why my cousin has 6 month long meth marathons, smart guy.

*From you*, as it turns out.

Live, laugh, long for their demise.

You can tell it's the "Currency of the Future" by how it loses ~$10,000 in value in 24 hours.

They should invent new places to poop and new devices in which to place said poop.

Sure, he threatened to murder you. But, it's no excuse to do swears. When you do that you become just as evil as him and, even worse, I have to explain to my 4 year old daughter, Jaymantha, what the f-swear means. She looks up to you man. You're her hero and this is going to devastate her.

Literal clown shoes lmao.

I look just like this guy

epstein files? i sure hope he does, or else all his paperwork would be a total mess.