muscle memory like going to the bathroom to brush my teeth and getting in the shitting position instead

you're telling me you don't have any more information?? smarmy asshole behavior

"try again later" is such a fucked up thing for a computer to say

god this app is still so shitty. tried to post photos and it was giving me "try again later" errors, then refreshed for no reason and deleted my draft lmao

"come up for a night cap" is about trying on matching hats, the long ones with the little pom poms at the end

I left the kefir grains in a big jar of milk in the fridge for 2 weeks and they're so happy from taking a break

imo it's good as long as you remember it's for sad girls in their mid to late 30s. the song about a cat pissing on your house 💯

went to trivia tonight and the first round was all riddles about fish 😡

settling into middle age (ordered a "no solicitors" sign for the house)

panic! on da toilet

I've been putting off painting my kitchen and bathroom for 3 years but maybe if I spend $200 on paint today I'll finally do it

nonzero chance the organizers didn't make a contingency plan because God wouldn't let something like this happen

so inclusive

tom waits is kayfabe

I get that it's middle age and normal for people to change and need a change or whatever but so many people my age fucking hate their spouses, it's crazy

if you don't like someone you shouldn't marry them imo

ghostmeow and the angry inch

saw my gay city council member at the gay bar tonight 🥹

learning about aviation now

I'm scared

Neil degrassi tyson

I'm learning so much about Mars from this Uber ride, they should upcharge for this

this Uber driver is listening to Neil Degrass Tyson lecture about Mars at full volume hell yeah

darude sandstorm

if you're drunk enough and the music is good you can convince yourself you're on molly fyi

once, twice, three times I'm pissing

getting ready to piss

She’s insufferable on LinkedIn

sober as a gopher

my ape procurement business filing was rejected because the name is too close to the name of a local boudoir photography business :(

Taking a sabbatical to grow antlers

apes for sale

that reminds me I need to work on my business

your plan pales in comparison to my plan. *executes my plan flawlessly and achieves ultimate power*

didn't work on my business today so I have to tomorrow, no excuses

my job is subletting our office and advising people to reserve a room at the public library for meetings, is that good

I can't wait to start my ape procurement business so I can quit my job. just need to find some apes

husband named brontosaurus

if anyone wants to start making kefir hmu

I’m decentering men & focusing on my gut microbiome

sneeze n squirt

I need to pick a name for my new ape procurement business

tomorrow I'm going to put on makeup and go to the bakery and the bookstore and get the car washed

fyi aldi has micellar water for washing your face and it's half the price of the name brand

back at it

The Girl with the Graham Platner Tattoo

neon piss enterprises