I woke up to like 100 notifications and I dreamed I posted my boobs so I was like oh shit, did I? NyQuil is strong stuff my friends.

now don’t get me wrong: capers ARE delicious, I just thought they might be a bit more dangerous and exciting

sorry I've been like this for the past thirteen years I was dehydrated

It takes so little effort not to be a piece of shit, and yet so many still seem to fall short of even that. Be kind. Try not to hurt people. Assume the best. And for fuck's sake, don't play with people's hearts.

Should have never quit my job as a fence post in Nebraska

You may think you’re on top of things but I’m already in line at Best Buy

Wind-up Victrola and chill?

I'm a special kind of drunk right now.

I always wear latex gloves when I chop jalapenos due to an unfortunate fingering incident with my wife back in 2007.

You know when you know you shouldn’t do something but you know damn well you are still going to do that something? ~~~~most of my decisions😂

This is what boredom looks like😂

Pooh on you too😝

Just a girl obsessed with the moon.

Help🏳️‍⚧️my🏳️‍⚧️keyboard🏳️‍⚧️is🏳️‍⚧️putting🏳️‍⚧️flags🏳️‍⚧️instead🏳️‍⚧️of🏳️‍⚧️spaces🏳️‍⚧️

These grocery prices are actually traumatic.

Just saw that gen z thinks using cash is cringe and it's official now, everything is cringe.

Hello sunlight my old friend

Her: Hi. Me: Make sure, cuz I’m probably gonna ruin your life.

Someday*, we’ll look back on everything that’s going on in America right now, and say, “What in the actual fuck?” *today

Him: Tell me something you’ve learned in the last six months. Me: Jerking off with coconut oil is fuckin awesome. Him: I don’t think you’re a good fit for this position. Me: No problemo. But try it, seriously. Like, wow.

Someone thinks we should do this everyday.

Don’t throw away a good masturbation fantasy, recycle it.

I use a lot of words sometimes and say very little. I’m gonna need to work on that. At some point. Maybe. Nah.

Guys! I figured out the secret to happiness. Stick your head in the sand and be as not up to date as you can possibly be with the news. Oh, and weed. Duh.

You scream, I scream! We all scream for ice cream! 🍨 I love being the hostess with the mostest. I want my kids to leave, but I always want them to come back🤷🏼‍♀️🤣

The absurdity of it all is what I can’t get over.

I think my mental levee has broken.

gotta say it's pretty ridiculous being governed by people who take testosterone supplements and boner pills but don't want anyone else to have gender affirming care

People just keep trying me today and someone is bound to get throat punched. For real.

Can you guys believe I used to have a not so PG account🤣🤣🤣🤣

I’m so glad I’ve reignited my love of reading as of late. Keeps me from reading all the depressing shit online.

I’m really digging the 70’s soft rock playlist on Apple right now.

What season is it? Walmart: yes

OK who’s gonna tackle that crazy motherfucker

The squirrel had to lay down. He smoked too much weed🤣🤣

Do kids not say trick or treat anymore? Do they say anything? Thank you? Nothing.

One day I'll learn to leave well enough alone. This isn't the day.

Currently at my house there are two JoJo characters, two dogs and a squirrel. Welcome to Halloween here.

My kid has some weird ass friends on paper but, in person they are just like me and my friends were. Kids are kids. Even these days.

Jealousy is not cute, it’s a warning ⚠️

How did we get here?

My kid just dead ass lied to my face. She isn’t going to like it when I call her out.

So glad I’m back at work where people actually value what comes out of my mouth.

Sometimes I freaking smoke so much weed I’m like, dude. Enough is enough. Then the very next day I’m like sooooo ready to go smoke again. Yup. That’s addiction.

Being happy ppl aren’t getting fed cause you’re sticking it to the libs- Boy there’s no greater love than Chrsitian hate

My dog just came over and put her head on my shoulder and for a moment, everything was pertect

Compartmentalization is my superpower.

i'm so tired i could sleep a horse

For the love of God, would somebody please put me back at the kids table

I miss being young and dumb. Being old and dumb is not it.