Happy 81st Birthday to Reggie Smith who played for the Red Sox from 1966-73. With the Sox Smith hit .281, with 149 HR’s, a .826 OPS, 129 OPS+ and a 34.2 WAR. He came in 2nd for ROY in 1967, won a Gold Glove in 1968 and was a 2x AS with Boston.

Coldplay- Yellow RHCP- Snow U2- One, the entire Joshua Tree album, Bad, Pride

Most of us are just trying to get through the day, and then attack the rest of the week. But our mind just won't let us go to the place where we realize we have 3 years left of this Demented Madman and his destruction, chaos and death.

Sometimes I’ll bring a dead animal with me on a plane I consider it carrion luggage

$500 would solve most of my problems

Yeah I'm done. Nothing good here. No spoons all knives No candle all dark

I don’t know why but the algorithm’s serving me a noticeable number of Larry Bird videos and, strangely enough, I don’t dislike it

Evangelicals threatening to toss my soul into an eternity doing all the naughty things I like doing on Earth versus spending an eternity singing choir songs to some insecure and carelessly cruel divine being isn't really the flex they think it is. 🔥

Rumor is that he's got fun and games

Can you photoshop a smile asking for a friend.

Telling jokes is a lot like sex The more noise you hear, the better you think you‘re doing

Fuck my need to stay informed. What a goddamn waste of time.

In a 147-129 win over the Miami Heat, Jayson Tatum gets his first triple-double since returning from a torn Achilles.

I'm not a child psychologist but Donald Trump is certifiable.

One day left to pack all those sins in, get to it

You’ve impressed me and I’m a very discriminating person. Well that’s not true, I store my clean underwear in Pringles canisters.

What if I no longer want to survive?

My classic moon tweet was: "Every single person who has ever walked on the moon has died. We must find a cure for the moon before it kills again." Buzz Aldrin replied and we got in a fight about it. Good times.

Blocked some rando that argued cats aren’t ridiculous. This site is amazing

He has 10, but only with 5" of ruler buried inside his bum.

🤣 LOL trump as George Washington

I feel like we’re all about to start playing survivor.

Bwahahaha

Stop scrolling and post 2 characters who bring you happiness.

At age 8 my Mom & Grandma took me clothes shopping an hour away. When we got there I told them my stomach was upset. We headed back home & stopped at a Wendy’s so I could throw up. After 5 minutes there I said “April Fools!” Based on look both women gave me I never did an April Fools again.

Not bragging but I’ve been told I get a special place in hell.

The James Bond movie directed by Roger Spottiswoode and stunt supervision by Dickey Beer (plus Michelle Yeoh!)

I woke up thinking about how Watto and Kauto rhyme.

On April Fool’s, paranoia is just proactive intelligence. You’re not “on edge.” You’re just correctly identifying that everyone you know is an asshole.

The key is knowing the prankster is more afraid of silence than you are of the prank. You do something stupid, I just stare at you with zero expression. Within four seconds, you’ll start explaining the joke. Then I watch you die inside. —That’s my prank.

This day was invented so the mildly stupid could feel superior to the temporarily unsuspecting. —It’s the Special Olympics of wit.

You want to see a real April Fool prank? Try honesty. Walk up to someone and say, “Your small talk is a form of low-grade torture.” —See who’s laughing then.

They call it April Fool’s Day a day of good-natured fun. I call it twenty-four hours of idiots demanding applause for being momentarily annoying.

You ever notice how a group of people will just… stop thinking? It’s like they all share one brain cell, and it’s on a permanent coffee break. —I call it a quorum of the comatose.

You can’t fix stupid, but you can sure as hell vote it into office, give it a podcast, and let it tell you what ingredients are poison. —We’re living in a buffet of self-inflicted lobotomies.

Due to the increased cost of eating out, ‘69’ shall now be known as ‘96’

Her: You are the wind beneath my wings Me: Farts 💨

Being an adult is mostly keeping your composure during WTF moments.

Good things come to those who wear deodorant.

Plans will be canceled in the order in which they were made.

Is it a stomach bug or -gestures to everything-

If Trump's bull-in-a-china-shop approach does start WWIII, accidentally or by design, I hope there are plans in place to replace him immediately. He would be an existential threat to friends and foes alike.

To all who are celebrating the beginning of Passover this evening, Chag Pesach Sameach! As we gather around our seder tables, let us remember the enduring spirit of resilience that has sustained Jewish communities for generations.

My orange boy will help me look for anything if I'm talking to him while we do it, especially his kid sister.

one thing i hate more than a liar is a liar who thinks i’m stupid

Who needs to read the directions? Just glance at the picture a few hundred times. Why not? WTF needs words anyway? 🙄😏

Me around other people's kids