Sometimes it’s better to lose than to win under a cloud. Those times are when it’s only a game.

Adventures in Fiber Supplements ™️

Maybe it's a matter of me hating everything and being generally anti-fun, but I legit do not understand the appeal of non-professional fireworks. "Well, it looks like shit, but at least I endangered my safety and annoyed the crap out of my neighbors!"

I spent Independence Eve throwing up, so I am extra excited for potato salad today

When I turned 30 i told people I was 65 and they laughed. Now I'm 50 and when I say 65 they just go "Oh yeah?"

Heard the unmistakable sound of automatic gunfire in the middle of chicago last night

If the founders were alive today they’d be all like “where’s m’slaves, i caint do nothin”

I've a spare URL on my clipboard. www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bt8E...

Macaron Macaroni

today is the 2 year anniversary of Neil Gaiman being publicly disgraced

Change your A/C filter

I would like to take this opportunity to say a preemptive goodbye to the many fingers and hands of my fellow Americans which will be lost this weekend 👋🖖✌️☝️👉👈

the laura palmer that kills you instantly

Bot or bot-like person? No way to tell

We're about 2 weeks away from the FDA recommending infants huff gasoline to cure autism

One time a while back a songwriter was like oh fuck what if I just keep going rum-pa-pum-pum

Don't forget to get a little sun on your anus today

Just having to notice this crap is exhausting

Rooned

Hypothetically, If there were a guy who tried to make autonomous vehicles, owned dozens of satellites, had several classified military contacts with the US government, actively hated democracy and was notoriously a psychopath and narcissist, what would you assume he was planning to do in the future

Nothing haunts you quite like the ghost of a chance

Did you see that sport event

Neighbors are moving out after finding a place with a heavier front door to slam shut harder, good luck to them 🙏

the Entity wants me to buy more shoes i don't need

If I decided to stop being friends with somebody, I wouldn't likely say anything about it. They might never know. I could be mad at you right now for all you know. Maybe I wouldn't even know

If I go bald i'm gonna get a neck wig so it just looks like my hair migrated

Matrix world coroner is like cause of death: turned into Hugo Weaving

In beginning to think capitalism is not as good as they say

Had a dream last night all my toenails were falling off but when I think about it it feels like weeks ago. Bottom line I'm dying

Put a reminder in your phone to evaluate bladder urine volume

You'd think a real life talking horse would be neat but their politics are atrocious

If your wife is a beard you have to tell me

In heaven, no one can hear you scream

I am Ernest nine of Borg

Hey remember That time a massive conspiracy to sex traffic minors was revealed and then nothing happened and they're all still in charge of everything?

They're fencing in the Reflecting Pool They're taking the lining up The National Mall Is filled with guardsmen Were hosting the World Cup

If somebody is sick and they aren't going to get better they should be allowed to have any drugs they want

Arthur is a bummer first name, but Pendragon really makes up for it

If you don't wanna pay attention to politics you cash use this shortcut: whoever buys more advertising is bad, vote against them

I'm at my most psychotic when I don't wear earbuds while walking the dog.

I've had "read the book Getting Things Done" on my to-do list for 25 years

Payday bars: because sometimes you want to eat something stale

I have been in the reflecting pool, millions of people have been in the reflecting pool. It is not a crime to go into the reflecting pool

I want to be baptized in the Ecto Cooler Reflecting Pool

I put a teaspoon of gelatine in all baked goods. Nobody has ever guessed so far

Now this is a story all about how My trip got flipped — turned upside down, And I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there, To tell you how I found a plinth of the king, ye mighty: despair!

My love language is I get hives and diarrhea