Allowing an amateur like Jake Paul to fight a seasoned Olympic and world champion is a great metaphor for these clowns we’re allowing to run things out here. Completely outmatched, out of their depth, incompetent and delusional about it.

The most liberating thing I’ve ever done is discreetly thrown away our Elf on a Shelf as I put away the Christmas decor in 2019. Okay, 2nd most liberating

Sasson looked like he didn’t even know what planet he was on or that he was hockey player never mind that he just scored a goal

Taurus looks around in sad: I think some candles and pillows could really give me a new lease on life

My daughter: have you ever been having a perfectly pleasant conversation with a man… Me: No

Don’t let me loose near a jar of honey. I’ll turn everything you’ve ever seen into a hot honey something or other

I joined that The Abandons was Romeo and Juliet and after 1.5 episodes I’m convinced Albert Mason is Mercutio

What a time to be alive (derogatory)

I wonder if I could profit off an only fans made strictly of sketches of my nudes

Using a period tracking app at this point in history is nuts. They have now added a perimenopause score to try and entice more women to use them. How about stay the fuck out of my business

Hotels probably love it when I dye my hair the day of my arrival

When I rinse my mouth it sounds just like Busta Rhymes in there

"Your life has no direction." "Yes it does." "What?" "Untoward."

After exhausting all other options, I’ve decided to lose my shit.

It is 1998. I am at the kitchen table writing Batman fanfic but I keep getting distracted by breaking news about a Bill Clinton sex scandal It is 2025. I am at the kitchen table writing a canonical Bat-book but I keep getting distracted by breaking news about a Bill Clinton sex scandal

I don't think people should still be surprised or mad that in the timeline where The Onion is seemingly the most ethical and accurate newspaper, that serious threats are ignored and jokes are punished. We've been in the upside down for awhile, babes. Catch up.

my whole life i've known there was something profoundly wrong with the way the world works and finding out over and over that the reason is "incredibly wealthy degenerate men want to fuck children" is like, the worst reason. but that's what it is.

And they said Nancy Regan was the throat goat

And they said Nancy Regan was the throat goat

He did not have sexual relations with that president! Or did he?

Maybe Donny demolished the ballroom to hide the cum stained dress hanging in the closet

Surprised Trump doesn’t call him Willy Clinton

Hon, you’re only streaming one football game. Is everything ok?

You can keep whispering guillotine and revolution everywhere you go in hopes it’s a bug in the right ear but I’ll try not get my hopes too high above poverty level

You wouldn't give capitalism to a toddler, Kevin. It says right there on the package that it's a choking hazard.

I prefer to seize the night, carpe PM as I say

Get yourself a man who buys the hand soap refill you like without even being asked to

They call her Laura Loomer because of the way she stands over your bed while you're asleep.

He’s just gonna peacefully pass away in that fucking chair isn’t he? Fuck that guy

I was on a Teams meeting and the background kept flickering over my right shoulder at the height of a child but I was home alone and my children wonder why WE DON’T TALK ABOUT GHOSTS IN HERE

In Hell, you are perpetually stuck between the tailgaiter and the asshole going 10 under the speed limit.

if you start your period during the super moon you get to kill one dude

*cutting bangs with craft scissors in Hobby Lobby Employee: Do you need help? Me: No thanks! I'm just looking!

Horror films with the plants. They haven't exactly strangled with tendrils the psyche of the modern trellis goer but I won't stop thinking of them like was I even raised on growing? "No more coffee for the both of us" laughs flytrap

If you have any projects you want started with enthusiasm and not finished, I’m your girl.

The thing is I hardly ever fuck around but I’m always finding out.

Amazing how much more hopeful I feel after two straight nights of long, uninterrupted sleep

being perimenopausal should get you acquitted of all crimes

getting all hot and bothered kinda has a different meaning as you age

Have you ever ended up hating a fellow shopper just because you encounter them in every aisle? Grocery store entanglement is a bitch.

Slay

I like to imagine all of us, at the same moments, cackling with joy throughout the day and into the night

Riddance is rarely ever not good, lately

Apropos of nothing, took the girls trick or treating and couldn’t think of a better costume for the moment

How long until we can extrapolate those numbers, boss?

Posting on the local Facebook page: If someone told their family they had a long day of errands and meetings, where would be a good place to take a nap in their car around here?

oh no i couldnt possibly have any more i exclaimed (but my appetite for destruction was not quite sated)

“Never again,” I whisper as I double knot my sneakers.

Evander Kane being a piece of shit actually was on my bingo card. As I’ve said in the past, where there’s smoke there’s fire. And we all know abusers love other abusers 🤷🏻‍♀️

So weird, the education minister didn’t email me back after I kindly pointed out he shouldn’t be the minister of anything besides his own asshole