If anyone saw my other post and got stressed out, don't worry, I'm allowed to say that : I'm super racist.

I've got six KPIs at my new job. That's a lot of Korean private investigators!

Sure, you like Huey Lewis and the News, but what about his brothers Dewey Lewis and the Sports, and Louie Lewis and the Weather.

I corrected someone's word usage today and they called me a grammar American

Gave my car a good wash by rubbing the roof and hood with my hand before driving to pizza hut in the rain

I'm obsessed with saving the glass jars my instant coffee comes in, so I can throw them away in groups of 10-12

I've finally finished the last of the Christmas candy. Now a few weeks for my liver and pancreas to recover before their Valentine's Day massacre...

Every right wing government is having a field day because all they gotta do is not rape kids and kill people. Rolling back every other bit of progress from the last 200 years doesn't even make the news

I've figured out where I am on the political spectrum: Trans women should own AR-15s.

How many tens of thousands of lives at the bottom will be ruined before anyone at the top feels any consequence at all

I thought "you snooze you lose" was just a saying, but today I lost because I snost.

It would have been a funny callback in King Lear if Shakespeare had the Earl of Gloucester say "to see or not to see" while he was deciding if he should gouge out his eyes.

The trouble with "don't be an asshole" rules is that any self identifying asshole worthy of the title is going to break your rule just to piss you off

No offence to the ads in my feed, but I'm at the stage in my life where I'm going to need at least 6 or 7 weird tricks to lose belly fat /s

Am I the only middle aged guy keeping the romance alive by shaving my back for date night? /s

I'm try out putting a sarcasm tag at the end of my posts so you guys can tell I'm making jokes, and not the stupidest mother fucker to ever live.

Sometimes I miss the bots liking my posts on Twitter, although I do appreciate the humans ignoring my posts on bluesky. /s

It's tough to choose between a Mac Mini and a MacBook Air and a MacBook Pro, because they are all crazy expensive in slightly different ways

Given the rise of corporate fascism, the internet being forever, and opinions being weaponized against people, I forgive you all for not liking more of my dick jokes

I assure you, you don't have to hand it to Marjorie Taylor Greene, & even if she is making sense, you can probably find somebody else, who's much better, who's making sense that you can uplift.

USA is going to drink Venezuela's milkshake

I want to work on my porn habit this year, but I feel like I'm already jerking off as much as I can without it cutting into my doomscrolling time

All this shit happening right now in the world, and comics are still giving Germans shit about the Nazis

Tired : Fee fie foe fum Hot : Fee for foe faculate

Finally able to cross "sitting alone in a gas station parking lot in my car eating a personal sized pizza" off my bucket list

Last year I focused on LPM (laughs per minute.) This year I'm going to focus on RKS (rice krispie squares)

RDJ as Iron Man / Dr Doom just goes to show you either live forever as a hero, or die and come back as a villian

I think I have aphantasia, and probably owe an apology to many people who have heard my comedy and can picture the stuff I talk about vividly in their mind

Sometimes I just forget to eat cheese for a few weeks, and then find it looking sad in the fridge

Pointing to the bedroom "And this is where the magic the gathering happens"

The giant blue smurfs in Avatar use the same tentacle for fucking and for riding their flying dragons! That's like taking your dog for a walk with your dick as a leash!

Christmas is like a taking a pair of tweezers to the pimple that is your pent up family situation

My boss went to the food court at lunch, and is now serving 5-10 in food prison!

My doctor said my AD-HD is so advanced it is actually AD-4K

It sucks when the YouTube algorithm shows you two good videos, and you have to pick one and know you will never see the other one again. Like a modern version of the trolley problem

Taking a stroll

Look, you can have low taxation or you can have functioning public services. You can't have both. Lots of people, including the UK government, seem to have forgotten this fact. Taxation isn't theft. It's the foundation of society.

Right wing humor is like - I took a shit in our living room and blamed the dog as a joke to own the libs, and my killjoy wife is all "we don't have a dog Michael, I want a divorce"

so insanely fucking real for this

I'm what the industry calls a triple safety - I can't sing, I can't dance and I can't act

Easter is too commercialized now adays. I liked it better when it was just about killing a dude and hiding the body in a cave

I used to be an guy with poor social skills who couldn't even look people in the eyes, and last week my barista said I was making them uncomfortable because I was making too much eye contact!

A timeline of a year or more in any political project means "we will do nothing for as long as possible, and hope the other guy is in power for the deadline so we can blame them for failure to act"

Bjork ran so lady gaga could walk

How come technology can invent a self saucing cake but we still don't have a self eating ass?

Social media looks like great fun when you scroll the feed and see 100s of posts with likes and comments. Then you do 50 posts and get zero engagement except for the ones you beg your ILR friend to like.

Why is Egypt like a car horn? They both have a toot in common!

I think it is time for National, Act and NZ First to be moved on to the countryside, where they can cause less economic damage

Someone should tell Stephen Curry not to waste his time shooting from just outside the key. If you get a basket from behind the half court line you get three points AND a free car!