Why is Egypt like a car horn? They both have a toot in common!

I think it is time for National, Act and NZ First to be moved on to the countryside, where they can cause less economic damage

Someone should tell Stephen Curry not to waste his time shooting from just outside the key. If you get a basket from behind the half court line you get three points AND a free car!

I can't find my favorite band on social media at all, I guess they are a tough act to follow

Gluten intolerant protestors chanting down with the PASTRY-arcy

I want to hear Dan Soder doing an impression of Macho Man singing Metallica karaoke

Has a funny idea before but then realized I was probably just remembering something Stewart Lee said.

What's with all these comedians going overseas to suck up to fascists? The fascists at home don't pay enough?

I need some of those "ready player one" dudes who fiend for the 80s and would understand my references

The seam of my ball sack is always sweaty. That's like the least athletic part of my body!

Port-au-Prince, I want to catch a glimpse.

Embarrassing for Robert Daltrey to have gotten old and not died

It's like meeting the Ant-Man of your dreams, then meeting his beautiful Wasp

Food shrinkflation really shows that food manufacturers don't give a single fuck about healthy portion sizes

Voting for the city council, and it is 80% absolute fucking idiots. Just barely able to fill my ballot with people who aren't using their political profile to say gravity is a deep state hoax.

Australians are so pro-Palestine 20% of them are named Gaza

Can't wait to start hoping Vance is dead

Dudes on Twitter think they don't need basic hygiene because autism causes vaccines

If the meek ever do inherit the earth, the bullies will just take it back from them immediately

I started doing stand up comedy because I'm an exhibitionist with a fetish for dry humping stools

I wholeheartedly apologize to anyone I offended yesterday at the comedy open mic when I came on stage with my dick hanging out of my pants, and my pubes shaved to look like Hitler's mustache. That was meant to be my closer.

It was a shame to hear so many references to Hitler and Nazis last night at the open mic. That was 80 years ago! There is lots of bad shit happening right now to talk about!

Maybe if we let the fascists grind their boot heel in our faces a bit longer they will be willing to compromise. It's not much, but it's the strongest form of protest social media will allow us to talk about

I never understood why in Street Fighter 4 hits is just fine, but one more hit and the game calls it a Shit combo

Sure, Donald's name appears in the files, but only 18000 times more than anyone else.

Circumcision - for when you've eaten the whole placenta but you are still hungry

I was upset about the cost of living until I looked into the cost of dying

Gave up sex to focus on stand up comedy, a fair trade because they are both semi regular six minute spots on a Wednesday

Bad news, the cancer has metastasized and is growing rapidly. I was hoping that reasoning with it would give me the time to vote it out in the midterms 2 years from now

Every day I have a handful of unsalted peanuts, and every evening I spend 20 minutes sucking the salt off tomorrow's nuts so they can dry off overnight.

A stupid friend of mine saw a crime, and the police put him in witless protection

I'm hearing rumors Nintendo is going to release a prequel to Mario Odyssey, called Mario Illiad.

Wifesplaining is when my better half tells me a story I'm to emotionally stunted to understand about people I've met dozens of times but can't remember their names

It always cracks me up when people say something is porpoise built, like how the heck are dolphins building anything with their flippers?

If The Sound of Music was made today, where do you think they would use the one "fuck" the movies rating would allow

I don't follow the news, hell, I don't even follow Huey Lewis!

Can't spell obfuscate without FU

At the age of 49 I've finally achieved my dream in life (to wear a grey hoodie every single day)

I was arrested for erotic nitpicking of the rules. I got off on a technicality.

Do I want the curry of the week? No! Give me the curry of the strong!

Sure, history may judge my enemies harshly, but I don't want to have to wait that long!

I make all my important decisions the day after Monday, because it is Choose-day.

The punishing forced fejoa eating season has begun

You can tell something is a massive scam if they sponsor YouTube videos

AI will tell lies, it will make up facts to say what it thinks you want to hear, and it has no compunction against passing someone else's work off as it's own. It's a lot closer to human behaviour than most people give it credit for!

Big shout out to America and Israel - thanks to you Germans no longer have to worry about getting picked on while travelling. Now the world has new assholes to look down on

Winston Peters would support a members bill saying Maori couldn't hold seats in parliament as long as his was grandfathered in as an exception.

I'm a hard core gamer, I've got over 90 hours in Hello Kitty Island Adventure, and I haven't died once

I'm beginning to think Trump is a "words will never hurt me" type of guy