Young men with inadequate moustaches should be held down and shaved.

Jack and Jill's well is in the wrong place. It should be at the bottom of the hill, closer to the groundwater

The whole casual sex scene puzzles the hell out of me. You mean significant numbers of people regularly take complete strangers into their houses overnight and don't get robbed?

There is a conspiracy theory (that I made up) that the crown mark on a pint glass is the volume of piss that our current monarch can produce on a full bladder.

By the time you're old enough to truly understand and put into practice the adage "talk less, listen more," you're so old that no one wants to hear what you have to say anyway.

Children don't want to learn to play the violin. Relatives and neighbours don't want to hear children learning to play the violin. Why make your kids learn violin unless you are a sadist?

Professional football teams are Ships of Thebes. I appreciate this is probably regularly discussed amongst their supporters.

Thank fuck man buns are history

Kings Cross and St. Pancras is one big station.

Winston Churchill was a Nepo baby

It should be illegal to leave a floater in the toilet. Punishable by a minimum of 14-days unpaid work cleaning public toilets. And not the nice ones, either.

Sartre once said "hell is other people". He wasn't quite right. True hell is other people's kids.

In The Busted song Year 3000, they state your great-great-great-granddaughter is doing fine. The year 3000 is 974 years away. That means she'd have to be about 830 years old. Doubt she's doing fine. Always annoys me when I hear it.

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Those who spread fearmongering regarding 15 minute cities live on the internet and never leave their house anyway.

People are so fixated on personality in politics, they are overlooking the most important thing. Policy.

Those expensive, wrap around sunglasses you bought because you think it'll help you qualify for the Tour de France at 48. They just look like cataract glasses.

I love gravy with a meal, the same as almost everyone. But I have to admit being disappointed every time I taste gravy thickened with flour instead of gelatin. It just doesn't feel good in my mouth. We need to normalise gelatin to thicken meat sauces.

It should be illegal to make software that was previously a one-time purchase into a subscription. Imagine you bought a sofa and then 3 years later the shop told you they were going to start charging you £10 a month or else they'll take your sofa, that you already paid for, away

Computer keyboards should have a crumb tray, like toasters, to make it easier to empty out all the crumbs, skin flakes and beard hairs.

The social media ban should be like the smoking ban. People born after a certain date should never be allowed to be on social media at all. Let it become a thing creepy old people do they want nothing to do with. Free them.

Tony Blair has become a brilliant indicator on any given issue. If he supports it, it's guaranteed to be totally and utterly morally reprehensible. He's Schrödinger's cunt.

It pains me as a Brit to say it, but we owe the French an apology. They were right and we were wrong, we shouldn't have trusted the USA. They were 100% right to shun them.

Wallpaper design peaked in the 1970s and has never fully recovered.

Dog owners must clean up poo, so they should also rinse away urine, especially from private property. I can't take a slash in the street so neither should they.

The Inbetweeners perfectly summed up the life of teenage boys in the 90s/00s. There ought to be a girl version. I'm 42 and I've still got no idea how the ladies work.

Most professional footballers parents have gambled their children's education and career options against a slim chance of actually making it. It is the only reason there are so few middle-class backgrounds in the game.

The new "confused dot-com" adverts where people transform into helium-filled inflatables after signing up is presumably meant to convey a feeling of carefree euphoria, but it's more akin to some kind of Doctor Who-level body-horror scenario. It creeps me out.

Voting by political party at local elections is stupid. You end up with a 19 year old cosplaying as Farage fucking up your bins. Depoliticise councils.

Cross the channel and there are great raw minced meat dishes available at most bistros and cafes. I always go for them because they're so delicious and never get ill. It's a shame it's not a thing here. A raw mince open faced sandwich is the best lunch you can eat.

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Your staff conference could have been an email.

Politics is just like football. You don't change who you support just because you don't like the manager.

The offering of freshly ground pepper as your food arrives in restaurants is ridiculous. Any good chef should have put the appropriate amount of salt and pepper in. Adding extra pepper before even trying food is ridiculous, and insulting to said chef.

Wouldn't it be better is male genitals were detachable so you could keep them at home in a box when you're going out and you're not planning to use them?

You can say what you like about the enshitification of Britain, but the quality of free biros that you pick up from hotels has improved in recent years.

"You have two choices..." "No. I have two options and one choice to make".

Although on one level it's terrible that that Influencer tried to murder another one, on another level it would be the best thing ever to happen to social media if they all started trying to off each other. Imagine the engagement

No one understands the English Midlands. It's not secretly really the north. It's not secretly actually the south. Mapping either onto it is a disaster. It's its own thing. You need to be born there and then move away to even start grasping this.

I invented one-sided toast. It's the only way anyone should be eating toast. You're ruining your life doing it the traditional way

It's a travesty that "Wigley Road" in Leicester is pretty much dead straight.

No hiring process at any job requires multiple rounds of interviews. I've been interviewing people for years and I can tell you that you can *always* tell whether someone is right for the job or not after the first interview.

We have bikes and scooters with engines so we don't have to pedal and scoot, Copilot so we don't have to read and write, ChatGPT so we don't have to plan. In a few years, we can reflect on this when we're sat on our fat, brain-dead asses wondering what to do with the time saved

Driving a car and sucking on a flavoured USB stick and making clouds should be illegal. Not just the dangers it brings, but just for looking like an absolute tool.

Data breaches and hacks becoming more frequent mean it's the worst possible time for governments to force their citizens to age verify by giving sensitive personal data to 3rd party providers with wildly varying security standards. It's lazy, irresponsible, and dangerous.

Banning phones in schools is just PR. Most schools already have some form of mobile phone policy in place, including the fringe cases in which a child actually needs one, something which a blanket ban does not address adequately.

Whistling in the office should be a sackable offence.

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There are few things more needy & tragic than minor celebrities who respond to any interaction on Twitter, Bluesky, etc. by "Quote-Posting" their reply. The desperation to maximise visibility of their responses utterly trumps any inclination to engage politely in a conversation.

The savoury before sweet rule still applies for a hotel breakfast. Why are you having cereal before a Full English, you dirty animals?