The uptown girl in WestLife's music video looks like Katie Hopkins.

The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill is the worst Beatles song by a significant margin.

Anyone that uses a vacuum cleaner on a non-carpeted floor is the personification of what ails the modern world. Use a nice quiet broom you utter twat.

"Rory" is such a cringeworthy name. Oh you roar, do you? Like a lion? Grow up.

There is not a scented candle available that smells nicer than a freshly extinguished candle.

When you get over 40 everyone's secret favourite part of a night out is the moment the first person decides to go home, thus giving you licence to do the same.

If you let your grandchildren call you Nanna and Gramps, then it's obvious one of your children has married into the lower classes. Granny and Grandad for lower middle class; Grandma and Grandpa for the upper middle class and above.

The single biggest upgrade the web could receive, is allowing the user to open a website, without a cookie pop-up, and simply read the page without it skipping all over the place.

It might be the most annoying thing in the world, but Baby Shark is undoing all the species image damage that Jaws did. It's conservationally good.

It's so petty that quiz shows don't include the names of the contestants in the closing credits.

Betting shops should only be allowed in areas where the median income is north of £80k. Any less than that and they are preying on people who can't afford to lose hundreds every month.

I have no agenda to bankrupt Halfords but why can't all cars all just use the same lightbulbs? What possible fucking difference can there be between a headlight bulb for a Ford and one for a Vauxhall? Likewise windscreen wipers.

There's never been a more glorious career-sabotaging album by a chart-topping pop artist than ABC's "Beauty Stab" in 1983, the follow-up to "The Lexicon Of Love".

We need a "working class history month". Remind people just where so many of our hard-fought rights come from and why those in power are so hell-bent on convincing so many people that minorities are the problem.

Brooms really need to be redesigned so they work both on the push and pull stroke. Scattering things everywhere on the push simply isn't good enough.

Nothing beats the sheer jubilation of the cancellation of a Monday morning team huddle.

We should be able to donate our bodies to salmon farms when we die. We eat plenty of salmon. It's only fair that they should be able to eat us.

There hasn't been a single time in the kitchen where whacking a bit of Stilton or Roquefort in a sauce hasn't improved it. Just enough to perceive the body, not enough for it to be cheesy. Try it in a curry, it's life altering.

The week should be 8 days long not 7. I'm okay with working 5 days, but 2 days for the weekend is not enough. We need another day between Saturday and Sunday.

Canned bean dip is visually indistinguishable from cat food. Taking the first bite is a leap of faith.

The main cause of racism is not immigration, or multiculturalism, or even confected 'culture wars'. It's constipation. That's why these purple-faced, fashy cunts are so angry with everything. You'd be too, if your diet of garbage left you backed up for a week.

What are we teaching kids? More to the point, what the fuck is a Phoneme? Thirty-nine years old and don't understand my 8 year olds homework. If I was 39 before I heard the word "phoneme" why does he need to know about them?

Sid from Toy Story did nothing wrong. He was just being a creative kid playing with toys. He didn't know they came to life.

Whatever happened to athletes foot? You don't hear a word about it these days. Bring it back I say.

No, Morgan McSweeney didn't "win the 2024 election for Labour". Boris Johnson won it for them at his Christmas do, with Liz Truss and Rishi Sunak taking the assist. Actual Labour figures are lucky to make top 10.

Let's be honest once you've been round one National Trust property you've been round them all.

In films grieving the death of a parent involves travel to a home town, reconnecting with an old flame or finding deeper meaning, often while staring out over the sea.In reality it's doing all the stuff you usually do and dealing with someone else's admin.

Back in the day, having a noisy car that backfired was a source of embarrassment. It still should be.

Nothing over-promises more and under-delivers less than hot chocolate.

Japanese cuisine uses dried tuna flakes to add umami. British food should use dessicated Cumberland sausages to the same end.

I find it mind-boggling that Keir Starmer is seen as just as unpopular as Liz Truss. I'm no fan of him particularly, but being a bit boring is nowhere near as being as absolutely batshit as Truss was.

London's external border should be pushed out to include Luton, Chelmsford, Maidstone, Horsham, Aldershot, Newbury, and Didcot. Obviously, anyone working in these places should London Weighting Allowance and be able to tap in/out with an Oyster Card.

One thing that never prepares you when becoming a parent, is how fucking awful some other parents can be.

If I was rich enough I'd take out full page ads in every paper explaining once and for all that the term "fair dos" should be spelled "fair dues" because you are giving someone the credit they deserve. Fair dos was what we used to run PCs before Windows.

Parkrun is just an excuse for people to piss and shit in the bushes.

The head chef in Ratatouille was in the right, it's unacceptable to have a rat in the kitchen.

People who try to impress with a tight deathgrip handshake are invariably complete arseholes.

The Caspian Sea is a valid sea as it contains oceanic crust on its bed. All other landlocked bodies of water called seas, Aral, Dead, Salton etc, are lakes.

We need to have a serious discussion about the comments on driving instructor photos of young girls who have passed their test. 90% of them are from middle aged men commenting on their leggings and it's fucking disgusting.

Tesco can fuck off with their little tokens to vote for which local good cause will be funded. You made several billions of profit last year, just give all three the money you bastards.

Audiobooks are great until the narrator has to do children's voices, then they become unlistenable

The modern copout of buying someone random online tat as a present is annoying. I would rather you just don't bother getting me a birthday/christmas present than showering me with cheap, nasty plastic shite.

We need to reintroduce reclaimable micro deposits. £1 say on a vape cartridge. Hand the cartridge in when used and get your pound back. Then watch the streets instantly clean themselves

When the UK handed its imperial status over to the US, after WWII, we took up quizzing and panel shows. I hope the US does something similarly benign when it passes on the imperial baton to the empire that rises next.

There's nothing wrong with saying a bands most commercially successful album is also their best one. There's nothing clever about your contrarian view that really it's the fourth album that flopped and no one else likes.

Town cryers should be reintroduced, but for telling everyone what bin night it is.

We live in a bizarre world where it's fine to drive a 2 tonne metal box farting filth into the air to a Drive Thru, but the drink you buy there must be consumed through a crappy paper straw "for the sake of the environment".

"Web 2.0" meant solely that the final vowel had been elided from the domain name.

I stopped taking my phone into the toilet and instead brought a book with me. Swapping out social media for some science fiction whilst I'm having a longform shit was the best thing I ever did. Try it.

Any pet that has to be kept in a cage or a tank isn't a pet at all. It's a prisoner.