It’s funny how people say “hair brained scheme” as if there’s something inherently wrong with having a hairy brain.

Bibbidy bobbity, and I cannot stress this enough, boo.

I remember lockdown feeling a lot like groundhog day. Could not get Andy McDowell to sleep with me

Ah yes, Facsimiles, the greek God of twins.

People say there's not enough kindness online but in my experience a lot of people take the time to explain my jokes to me

Standup comedy was never the end goal for me, they just make you do it for a few years before they’ll let you make a travel documentary with your dad.

Self image is all about perspective. Has Daniel Beddingfield let himself go? No, Michael Moore’s had a glow up

I’ve had to keep this under wraps for a while but I can finally announce I am one of the staff writers for the Argus.

It’s actually FEWER Misérables

People come at you with useless facts like “A swan can break your arm”. They could have spared me a lot of time and money if they’d also said “A swan can break your heart” :(

You’ve been eating bananas wrong your whole life. They’re disgusting, don’t eat them.

This is how the war will be won

You can always tell a millennial because we still use a Nokia 3310. As a chopping board.

The thing I find hardest about comedy is finding promoters who are happy for me to work from home

Deliberately spilling coffee and tea all over my screen so my emails look all ‘ye olde’.

No way AI is taking my job as a stand up. Can you imagine a robot standing stock still talking absolute shite?

People slag off bots but they make up over 60% of my 30 followers.

Oh sure, “you’re not supposed to drink WD40”. Then why does it come with a straw?

Why do girls always take the trucks and wheels off their finger skateboards?

Why do girls always take the trucks and wheels off their finger skateboards?

Spent the last decade sorting out my various issues and now I'm addicted to twelve step programmes

Last night I opened for Ray O'Leary at the Forge comedy club in Brighton. Loads of fun

A vintage ABK sketch to plug my UK tour. KING OF CRUMBS starts this Saturday! Come along for more nonsense like this. www.mickperrin.com/tours/alasdair-beckett-king-king-of-crumbs

Had an interview at IKEA this morning. I was so nervous I could barely put the chair together.

According to stand ups on social media, men hate their wife/girlfriend. Here's a list of my top five creators making incredibly funny stuff on this topic

Got some new insults for you here with examples of where you can use them.

Competition time

Got some new insults for you here with examples of where you can use them.

Come and see me live before the woke ban it

People assume Scooby Doo is male but they actually go by rhey/rhem

They're never going to make an actual new film ever again are they?

I came. I saw. I concurred.

People go on about how expensive space travel is but what they don’t realise is how cheap it is to live there.

Just enjoying working three jobs and just scraping rent before the woke ban it 😡

Got kicked out cos someone saw me end a text with a full stop.

Just want to be famous enough for a curry house to take a picture with me and stick it on the wall

The Beatles “Naa, Naa, Na Na Na Naaaaah”ed so Oasis could “N-nah N-nah, na na na naaaaa”.

Fun Hollywood fact. Christian Slater is actually quite tolerant of religious people

Enjoying a bacon and egg muffin and a milkshake for lunch cos its before 11am somewhere.

I always wanted to go bungee jumping with my dad but never got the chance because of his phobia. It’s quite a common phobia, basically he had this overwhelming fear of spending time with his son.

Hi, I”m William. I’m 42, male and never knowingly written a eulogy

Petty? I think you’ll find I’m actually contrary

Opening for Ray O’Leary next week at The Forge, Brighton www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/ray-oleary...

On the 22nd Feb I'm doing a new Show in Leicester. There's about thirty tickets left. Here's a poster for it where I hold a puppy, because people like puppies and a link, because people love links. Do my heart a favour and come along. events.comedy-festival.co.uk/events/matth...

I’m quite late to online gaming but I’m getting really good at the one where you select which photos contain traffic lights.

Don’t talk to me til I’ve had my morning.

Oh so it’s not “cool” to go to the library? What if I told you I only go there to borrow CDs?

Sometimes my life feels like a Judd Apatow movie. Too long.

Who called it “dogging” when Parallel Porking was right there?

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