I see Trump still hasn't released the naughty list 🙄

My submission for wildlife photographer of the year

COMEDIANS DOING HOPSCOTCH

House Guest Etiquette. Not really what this is about but you're supposed to write something to draw people in

Kate Bush sings Away in a Manger. Happy December 1st!

House Guest Etiquette. Not really what this is about but you're supposed to write something to draw people in

Fun fact about me

Pretty sure I've been shadow banned for saying Burger King fries are the best. But part of my job as a comedian is to speak truth to power so they won't stop me.

This will be worth it for the ten people who get it

You never see recluses anymore

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a 1080 Christ Air over the bull ring

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was a 1080 Christ Air over the bull ring

You never see recluses anymore

Scrolled so far on instagram I went all the way back to the 70s

Live comedy gigs this coming week

Fathers for JustEat

The Assassination of My Bank Balance by the Coward Delicious Pints.

Live comedy gigs this coming week

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

Sad how we live in a world where someone can get paid for an article about how they never wash their bread knife yet nobody will pay for my screenplay Phantom of the Airport (a disfigured man lives in the eaves of Gatwick Airport, visits a flight attendant in her dreams and teaches her to fly 747s).

During my time as an explorer I visited over a thousand islands and almost all of them used the same dressing.

You'd think AI would be smarter considering it has the same initials as Albert Inestein 🙄

He did what now??

Fremen’s reaction to me describing the floor of a South Western train toilet.

Trying to figure out how every scaffolding company in Brighton has access to my self-tape audition calendar.

Turned down the part of Narcissus because I refuse to put on weight for a role

Yes I think I'll have the "what's the story guacamole"

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of .. *BORAT VOICE* my wife

I've always maintained I've never been hypnotised but then again how do I know

I often think about that Mark Twain quote "comparison becomes the end of joy". Obviously im paraphrasing, he probably put it a lot better

Humans advanced faster due to the evolution of opposable thumbs which enabled them to hitchhike long before other species.

Just watched Nonnas on Netflix and can confirm it passes the bechamel test

I don't like spending time with my grandparents because they remind me of my own mortality. Which I would argue is not dinner table conversation

It's not fair to label everyone who paints a red cross on a roundabout a racist or thick. I'm sure plenty of them are both.

Starting to call closeted homophobes "frenemies of Dorothy"

The trouble with growing up near a light house is I can only get to sleep if the light is on. Then off. Then on.

My mum's a palm reader. She's also dyslexic, so she can tell you your future but not necessarily in the right order

It's taken a lot of discipline and hard work but I've finall got the body of the men you see on the front of magazines *Angling Times

Surf Nazis must die

Enjoying a nice union jack for breakfast before the woke ban it 😡😡😡

If you like drunken noodles you'll LOVE ...

If you like drunken noodles you'll LOVE ...

During his time in the navy my grandad killed over 200 men. A record which in the entire history of the British navy has never been matched by another chef.

After a lot of skepticism I've finally taken people's recommendation to get a mouth guard and I have to say I'm really getting on well with him

Just rewatched the fast and the furious. You couldn't make that today.

Hard times make Hard-Fi

"listen to my body"?? Oh yeah sure, the guy who can't even tell the difference between a fart and a poop ,🙄

I‘ve been cast as Sisyphus in a theatre production! It’s the role of a lifetime.