I would literally marry you after this date

Somebody tell me to go take a shower. It was a beautiful day for canvassing but the last few doors I knocked might as well have been at the top of a fucking mountain and I’m exhausted

If evolution is real then why did god make a dick fit so perfectly in my mouth? Checkmate atheists

According to my research there’s no such thing as straight people

Finally got around to deleting my grindr profile. I have no idea why I waited so long

David Bowie’s cover of Ice Ice Baby is pretty good even though he changed the lyrics

Processed cheese haters are elitist and will be among the first against the wall

I am once again pissing down the front of my balls

The best part about the power going out in the middle of the night is that I can’t sleep without a fan going

Tubi showing me a chick-fil-a commercial before a documentary about Candy Darling is what Andy Warhol would have wanted

Losing weight through regular blood letting

I went to a lot of punk shows in the late 90s and early 00s. They were mostly in the summer in un air conditioned spaces. I really couldn’t pick just one

I’m the Blair Witch

I’ve become increasingly aware over the last few years that some people, at least in the U.S., believe that medications like NyQuil do more than just manage symptoms. Like, they think they actually fight the viral or bacterial infection. Our education system has failed us

Spraying the bidet water directly up my urethra

I washed my sheets earlier and now it’s bedtime and I didn’t make my bed. Send help

I’m enjoying We Bury the Dead but the teeth grinding is less unsettling and more sensory nightmare

UPDATE: Turns out someone shoved a few cans of wet dog food up my ass last night while I slept

Someone explain to me like I’m 5 why my farts smell like wet dog food

The six genders are just a rat king

superhero origin story idea: a law nerd discovers an obscure loophole that makes it okay to spit piss into a cop's face

Really glad I didn’t get super gassy until after my hair appointment

I hate being asked in meetings if I have any questions. I need time to process shit and get in to the actual thing before I can think of relevant questions. That’s just how my brain works

Constantly delighted that I have no idea about any drama that ever happens on here. Idk if I’ve just accidentally perfectly curated my feed or if I have some kind of guardian angel. Either way I am truly blessed

I’m only a little over halfway through but so far Greenland 2 is better than the first one

Are humans the only animal for which poopoo time is also peepee time? How rare is it in the animal kingdom?

I hate it when I start a travel documentary on YouTube and it’s just aerial shots with voiceover

Happy Mother's Day to this absolute Queen

Yeah, I read theory

I have a trans guy friend that’s not out to everyone at his work. He does blue collar manual labor and he has to fake getting hurt when one of his coworkers does a sack tap

Guy with very large IQ: We should actually make all government positions lifetime appointments. Furthermore, succession should be hereditary

Going cold turkey on both is unpleasant in their own way. The big differences is that people are typically tapered off their antidepressants and that missing a dose or two of your antidepressant won’t make you sick

We don't all have access to the mood elevating properties of dead raccoon penis, Robert. Some people need medication.

The farts. They’re getting hotter

Onward is truly an under appreciated Pixar movie. The end gets me every time

It’s not possible to look cool while doing air quotes

I still have $1400 to go to pay my mortgage this month, please please help if you are able. Thank you so much!

gofund.me/7f4d143e3 Thank you for all the love and support!!❤️❤️

I’m choosing to believe that Michael (2026) is a remake of the classic John Travolta film Michael (1996)

Sneaking into the man-o-sphere and swapping out the red pills with estrogen

I just mowed the lawn. Everybody tell me how butch I am 💪

I’m going to need someone to come gently rub my back while I take a nap

Literally mother

I bought Spirit Airlines

Yelling "COMPUTER, ENHANCe" when i see a pair of bazongas on screen

In my 42 years I’ve known 2 guys I would call Nazis and they were not welcome in the broader punk scene in my town

If you live in Missouri congressional district 4 and haven’t signed the Respect Mo Voters petition today is our last day collecting signatures. This is a big deal in protecting democracy in Missouri! #respectmovoters

One thing I’ve learned petitioning is how much old white people look alike

Today, you can punch a capitalist in the face. You can every other day but today, it's special!

King Joffrey Jellineck