This is how I'd be looking at him x

Got egg mayo sandwiches for lunch like a little workplace terrorist x

I love Bob Mould SM x

Holding a cup like this x

Just sat here wondering whether Beyonce uses tea towels x

Every day is Mental Health Awareness Day at The Telegraph x

Just clocking in for another day at the For Fuck’s Sake Factory x

Next door’s kids are singing Lean on Me by Bill Withers and I think it’s the nicest thing I’ve heard in a long time x

Coming up next week: Pol Pot, Jade Goody, Tommy Cooper and Princess Diane x

Valerie's sense of fun really blew people away x

Have you checked whether you're on fire? Can't see any other reason for it x

I've just discovered that for the best part of a week, instead of moisturiser, I've been applying neat body wash to my skin x

Just touched a woolly hat and nearly threw up x

Hakuna Mafuckthis.

ACAB includes gobshites who harass retail workers about changing rooms x

“You should try living in a hot county. It’s like this all the time” What part of me throwing myself into a canal, with a Calippo in each hand, screaming "KILL THE SUN WITH LASERS!” makes you think I want to live in a hot country, pal? x

Is Schuh selling food and utilities now? x

Just touched a woolly hat and nearly threw up x

Just call me Buckers Vanga x

Might book a trip into the centre of a star just to cool down? x

As Ozzy is returning using AI, here's a list of people I think it would be acceptable to bring back using computers: Jesus Darth Vader Super Gran The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come Tinker off Lovejoy

As soon as they are able to beam famous dead people into your brains they will do it. It'll be like when U2 put their album on the iPhone, only you'll wake up one morning and Bono will be the voice of your inner monologue x

Cilla Black: So Charlie, have you ever been on a Blind Date before? Charlie: No, Cilla. Cilla Black: Well, you're in a lorra luck tonight! *pushes her thumbs into Charlie's eye sockets*

Practiced safe sun today, like a good ginger, and spent my day down a cave and in a goth pub x

Might sit on a lit barbecue to cool down? x

Reason 342 of why I wear headphones on public transport: Sat next to a woman who said “I wish they’d shut that door, it’s causing a draft” when our train was letting on/off at the station. Madam, it’s 31°. What you seem to be experiencing for the first time in this 40 min journey is AIR CON x

Just sat here wondering whether Jude Law has ever eaten a jam sandwich x

Apparently someone called C***y bought this “suit” x

Just sat here wondering whether Ant Middleton has ever driven a Fiat 500 x

I have been interviewing people as part of various roles I've had for the last 16 years. I have interviewed directors; engineers; care workers; technical specialists; administrators; solicitors; Drs of Nuclear Science; the list goes on. All ages, all backgrounds. Most recently I have noticed -1/3

Thomas Tuchel looks like Greg Davies x

Has anyone got loads of clap yet at Cannes? x

Happy Birthday Morrissey x

Had a dream last night where I lived in an HMO with the cast of Saved by the Bell and AC Slater burnt our kitchen down because he left a spoon in a bowl of beans he was microwaving x

My weekend plans x

I’ve had to stay off TikTok for 2 days - tarot readers keep telling me “he’s coming back” and it’s either my ex or Fred West and I’m not keen on either getting a new series, thank you though x

What does it take to get an obituary in The Times? I've read 124 obituaries — all of them great women — and I've written up what I found. The results are instructive, occasionally outrageous, and in one case involve a pet alligator. Here's the 5-step guide! lucyworsley.substack.com/p/how-to-be-...

Today my son said: “Who was that nice president? Berocca someone.”

Just sat here wondering whether Mariah Carey has ever had a verruca x

ILTSM x

DATING TIP: If you're on a date and your date is trying to get you to go back to their house but you don't want to, just tell them you have nits x

Cilla Black: So Charlie, have you ever been on a Blind Date before? Charlie: No, Cilla. Cilla Black: Well, you're in a lorra luck tonight! *pushes her thumbs into Charlie's eye sockets*

My 5am brain thought these were Celtic fans 😆 x

Kid: MOM WATCH THIS Kid:

Just sat here wondering whether Kylie Minogue has ever had a corned beef and brown sauce sandwich x

IT’S HERE! Episode 38 of Reclining Pair! We review Legends (Netflix) Rooster (Sky/Now) and Widow's Bay (Apple). Beers from Twice Brewed, of Northumberland, and some smashing gift ideas for Fathers' Day. Don’t miss our BRAND NEW QUIZ! Link in bio x linktr.ee/recliningpair

Here's the 5 people who I think should be the pundits on ITVs World Cup coverage: 1. Stacey Soloman 2. Toad of Toad Hall 3. Dr Miriam Stoppard 4. Brian Dowling 1. Toby Anstis

What I would wear if I were the chooser on Naked Attraction x

[thread] Hi everyone. Aside from the podcasting, some of you might know I work in Graphic Design & Illustration. Have done for more than 25 years. For the past 10, I've worked with an online food and drink magazine. Covid absolutely battered the hospitality sector, and shortly after [cont]