Like, nah x

I currently have the lung capacity of a Whoopee cushion x

No notes x

Watched this last night and it’s so wonderful. I could watch the scene in the Boston liquor store over and over again, the punchline being delivered by the off-camera cashier is sublime x

Me: am I fuck watching another Harlan Coben maniac fest! Also me: well, that’s 6 hours of my life where, instead of watching a Harlan Coben maniac fest, I could have been lying in the road

Right, I’m off to play “is it still wet, or is it just cold?” with my clean washing x

Charlie: thank you so much! I'm gonna call it Chaz Bucket's Chocolate Fuck Hut Willy Wonka: I have changed my mind

Your baby won’t stop crying? Have you tried booing at them and giving a thumbs down? x

Me too, babe. Me too x

Beautiful x

Just catching up on the secret Traitor reveal…

I just told next door's new baby about smoking indoors and COVID x

How is Clive Dunn only 106 NOW? He was 98 in 1973! x

Not all paying subscribers, but always a paying subscriber x

Sometimes I dislike myself because I think of everything in the universe as if I’m at it’s absolute centre. The worst part is no one else can relate.

Had a dream last night that I went country dancing with Tom Cruise before I had to go and give Jack the Ripper tours in London, dressed as a Victorian policeman x

Well done on landing that ad job, Carl. What's the part? I'm a road sweeper with diarrhea, mate x

Like a chain smoker's finger x

Your honor my client loves crime

My colleague struggling to open an orange: "This is why I have a food and beverage husband" x

Man in a shop: Any New Year’s resolutions? Woman: Yeah. Not ending every statement with, ‘If that makes sense?’

EXCLUSIVE Following the news that one of the first things a Nigel Farage Reform government would do is ensure that “the young are taught correctly about our history”, I have been passed these leaked pages from Reform’s proposed GCSE history textbook. mrhenrymorris.substack.com/p/exclusive-...

If everyone just quit their jobs at the same time I reckon we could all get away with it x

OK Mr Borington of Boring Lane x

Blows my mind that people used to live in like 1400 and something or 800 and something. Like, what do you mean you just had dirt on you all the time? x

🧀 Removed a perfect circle of flesh from the tip of my finger with a cheese grater. 💡 Fell off a lamp post 🧦 Put my back out putting socks in a draw 🚗 Pulled the boot door down on my own head 🪟 Skylight Pick your favourite x

Happy Everyone in the Office is Off Their Fat Tits on Cold & Flu Capsules Day, to all who celebrate! x

Here we go again x

Martin O'Neill hasn't even finished the good cheese and Celebrations before he's back to work LMAO x

Amorim to Celtic 😂 x

Kids don't watch TV. They watch YouTube videos of people opening boxes and eating their own body weight in Ramen. If you want to start banning adverts do that one for Pepto Bismol because I stg if I hear that fella sing "diarrheeeeaaaah" one more time my telly's getting chucked up the garden! x

Me back at work today for the first time in almost 2 weeks with no passwords remembered, no working pens and no cheese for breakfast x

There’s more chance of David Jason, passing a DBS check today than Celtic winning against themens, but we go. HH 💚🍀🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🇮🇪 x

Marty Supreme is like if Catch Me If You Can and Uncut Gems had a film baby where the lead is played by the mouse from American Tale but he has a little moustache, or mouse-tache, if you will. Just one maniac. 8/10 x

Going to see that new film Martin Fantastic starring Timani Chaletmaid later 🤩 x

I’ve been a bit off for a while. My Nan died. We said goodbye to Bridget yesterday. If you do anything in the new year, please chuck a quid in for Alzheimer’s where you can x

And, 3…2…1; I’ve got gout x

Just finished watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and I’m not being funny but this guy’s a right cunt x

I swear on my Christ for the last 25years I thought I was the only person in the entire world who remembered this! Horrible x

She just stood on my face x

There really is no need for that.

If this was mine I’d be in the cells by now x

Whenever I make a bad decision, I sit myself down in front of the mirror, and tell myself “at least you've always hated David Walliams” x

What's the worst Secret Santa gift you've ever received? Mine was Peter Kay Live at the Top of the Tower on VHS. It was 2019 x

Welcome to my parents' houses. At my dad's there's a cupboard full of disposable BBQs, and many VHS tapes in cases which look like leather-bound books. At my mum's house every flat surface has a candle on it and there's between 5 and 8 of everything in the fridge. The heating is on. Always. x

The Grinch who stole the last fuck I could give x

Girl dinner tonight x

In today’s episode of “I am Mental” x

Life is such a rollercoaster as a woman in your 40s. You never know whether a sneeze is going to make you wet yourself or put your back out for 6 weeks x

I reckon if Trump saw Del Boy falling through the bar he’d change his mind on this whole BBC fiasco x