Like a chain smoker's finger x

Your honor my client loves crime

My colleague struggling to open an orange: "This is why I have a food and beverage husband" x

Man in a shop: Any New Year’s resolutions? Woman: Yeah. Not ending every statement with, ‘If that makes sense?’

EXCLUSIVE Following the news that one of the first things a Nigel Farage Reform government would do is ensure that “the young are taught correctly about our history”, I have been passed these leaked pages from Reform’s proposed GCSE history textbook. mrhenrymorris.substack.com/p/exclusive-...

If everyone just quit their jobs at the same time I reckon we could all get away with it x

OK Mr Borington of Boring Lane x

Blows my mind that people used to live in like 1400 and something or 800 and something. Like, what do you mean you just had dirt on you all the time? x

🧀 Removed a perfect circle of flesh from the tip of my finger with a cheese grater. 💡 Fell off a lamp post 🧦 Put my back out putting socks in a draw 🚗 Pulled the boot door down on my own head 🪟 Skylight Pick your favourite x

Happy Everyone in the Office is Off Their Fat Tits on Cold & Flu Capsules Day, to all who celebrate! x

Here we go again x

Martin O'Neill hasn't even finished the good cheese and Celebrations before he's back to work LMAO x

Amorim to Celtic 😂 x

Kids don't watch TV. They watch YouTube videos of people opening boxes and eating their own body weight in Ramen. If you want to start banning adverts do that one for Pepto Bismol because I stg if I hear that fella sing "diarrheeeeaaaah" one more time my telly's getting chucked up the garden! x

Me back at work today for the first time in almost 2 weeks with no passwords remembered, no working pens and no cheese for breakfast x

There’s more chance of David Jason, passing a DBS check today than Celtic winning against themens, but we go. HH 💚🍀🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿🇮🇪 x

Marty Supreme is like if Catch Me If You Can and Uncut Gems had a film baby where the lead is played by the mouse from American Tale but he has a little moustache, or mouse-tache, if you will. Just one maniac. 8/10 x

Going to see that new film Martin Fantastic starring Timani Chaletmaid later 🤩 x

I’ve been a bit off for a while. My Nan died. We said goodbye to Bridget yesterday. If you do anything in the new year, please chuck a quid in for Alzheimer’s where you can x

And, 3…2…1; I’ve got gout x

Just finished watching It’s a Wonderful Life, and I’m not being funny but this guy’s a right cunt x

I swear on my Christ for the last 25years I thought I was the only person in the entire world who remembered this! Horrible x

She just stood on my face x

There really is no need for that.

If this was mine I’d be in the cells by now x

Whenever I make a bad decision, I sit myself down in front of the mirror, and tell myself “at least you've always hated David Walliams” x

What's the worst Secret Santa gift you've ever received? Mine was Peter Kay Live at the Top of the Tower on VHS. It was 2019 x

Welcome to my parents' houses. At my dad's there's a cupboard full of disposable BBQs, and many VHS tapes in cases which look like leather-bound books. At my mum's house every flat surface has a candle on it and there's between 5 and 8 of everything in the fridge. The heating is on. Always. x

The Grinch who stole the last fuck I could give x

Girl dinner tonight x

In today’s episode of “I am Mental” x

Life is such a rollercoaster as a woman in your 40s. You never know whether a sneeze is going to make you wet yourself or put your back out for 6 weeks x

I reckon if Trump saw Del Boy falling through the bar he’d change his mind on this whole BBC fiasco x

🎄

I'm not sure I've ever been to a gig quite like Ben Watt and Tracey Thorn at The Moth Club last night. Here's why.

You can't give a baby booooks! x

Just overheard a conversation between two ladies. One was telling the other about a wedding she'd been to last weekend and how she was "helping the bride go to the toilet but somehow the bride missed the bowl and shat on my feet" x

The feminine urge to play the clip from Taffin on the site speakers which are connected to my laptop currently playing Christmas songs x

I need at least 16 wees a day and you think you're drafting me in to fight the Russians? Give the fuck over x

They really did make a guy who's name means fart President. Incredible x

I'd be a perfect model for a life drawing art class because my naked body looks exactly like a bowl of rotting fruit.

Just watching 24 Hours in Police Custody and they’ve just found loads of drugs in this guy’s house. If I were a drug dealer I would simply not keep the drugs in my house. I’d probably put them down a well or something? x

I don't know what's in that super flu but I've spent the best part of a week either asleep or feeling like a parallelogram x

Feel like this might be my only chance (or reason) to bang on about how this is a tune. Oh, Andrew. You lovely man!

“You gotta know you mean that much to me, to get you back y’know I’ll do anything. HORNS!” x

Well, guess who’s watching this “is everyone OK because they look like they need their jaw spun” festive crackers for the first time x

Shania Twain: LET’S GO GIRLS! Me:

Nailed it x

Me too, babe. Me too x

You’re in the wrong game, son. I’m not about winning the lottery but the money wont just land in my account because I performed well in front of boss man x