Just been to watch a play. Bit dramatic tbh x

Once I've decided what I'm going to do with my life it will be absolutely over for this place wait and see x

People say “rules are meant to be broken”. No they’re not. If they were meant to be broken there’d either be no rules or the rules would be to break the rules. Honestly, I’m sick of it x

Everything is just made up, isn't it? People just making shit up and doing it with conviction. No one's chill anymore x

I've a friend who makes nunchucks and she said that the Pope has just placed an order for 10 pairs. Here we go, fellas! x

If I was the Pope I would do that thing where I turn into bats, fly to America, find Trump, then turn back into the Pope so I can simply push him the fuck over x

Sylvia Plath here with her famous Rubber Johnny x

'Coachella' sounds like a respiratory disease you get from swimming in a disused quarry x

A tweet at the weekend re fellas wearing football tops on holiday being an ick reminded me of an ex who'd packed jumpers & jeans for a trip to Egypt. Had to buy stuff from the local market and spent almost 2 weeks wearing a fake Barca shirt. You just don’t know what people are going through x

Just clocking in for another day at the For Fuck’s Sake Factory x

The world is just memes now x

Sylvia Plath here with her famous Rubber Johnny x

Your baby won’t stop crying? Have you thought about teaching it to smoke cigars? x

I was worried it wasn’t going to rain today x

I hear something and think “that would be a great name for an album” so many times that I now think ‘That would be a great name for an album’ would be a great name for an album.

Tyson Fury’s had more comebacks than nits on a playground x

"You can't hear an image" The image:

I would rather have a group of youths racing through the train station and not paying than a group of people who can't get their ticket ready BEFORE THEY GET TO THE BARRIER LIKE IT'S THEIR FIRST DAY ON PLANET EARTH x

All hobbies are either landfill or they'll kill you x

Just clocking in for another day at the For Fuck’s Sake Factory x

Do a war to distract from Epstein files then do an Epstein files to distract from the war OK gotcha x

How am I supposed to eat this? LOOK AT HIM! 😭😭 x

Mad there’s still no takers for this. There’s not even any agent fees. What a steal! x

And everyone laughed at me when I showed them my "no £2.2m Faberge eggs are kept in this Givenchy handbag overnight" sticker x

Times are tough so I've put a load more of my children up for sale. Mixed media original drawings in pencil, biro, marker, pastel and ink on heavy craft paper. www.ebay.co.uk/usr/happytoast

I'll save you the read: Amanda Holden has a massive tattoo of Kevin the Mechanic from Coronation Street on her back x

I've got some time off coming up and I wondered if any premier league football teams wanted to hire me for 1 week? £200k and you don't even have to play me. Yeh, have a think about it x

I am not built to survive a post-apocalyptic world. I’ve just got face sweats from eating a Lindt Lindor Truffle. How am I supposed to handle the fucking Thunderdome? x

It's around about this time of year where I remember my brother brought a bucket of tadpoles home from the River Cole and accidentally spilled the lot on the landing carpet x

Luckily I have a Brummie accent so people make a shit attempt at a Black Country accent back to me, which just makes them look thick x

When Dusty Springfield had a look around the Chapati factory x

£12 for an Easter egg. £12! Does the actual Jesus climb out of it on Sunday or summat? x

Buzzin', once again, to be leaving the office shouting "C U Next Tuesday!" at everyone x

Just seen a World Cup ticket for £29,752. So, here's 5 things I think should cost that much: 1. 4 houses 2. 20 cars 3. A 12 year long holiday 4. Complete destruction of the patriarchy 5. Celery

Your baby wont stop crying? Have you thought about asking them if it would like to go to the Moon and then calling them a moron if they say 'no'? x

SURVEY: Would you like to go to the Moon and definitely come back in one piece, possibly enlightened, and have a once in a lifetime experience? PEOPLE: Will the trip be during a series of Mrs. Brown's Boys? If so, no thank you.

woodpeckers are cool theyre like TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

You did an April Fool today? Good for you but isn't it time you grew up? You pay council tax and drive a car, for heaven's sake x

King prince Charles has the chance to do the funniest thing x

Your baby wont stop crying? Have you thought about cooking it a lasagne from scratch? x

Jimmy Carr, as we know him, is fake. He will say and do whatever will get the desired reaction to make money, but will always be cautious of sailing too close to the wind x

Your Ma's got her own snooker cue fair play x

Will there be an AI-generated monologue from Judas? x

Still on the Taggart train. Out of all the episodes I’ve seen so far ‘Funeral Rites’ is the best. It’s like watching a Giallo. Also, here’s a Taggart Tip for you - watch it on the STV app instead of C5. Less ad breaks and the picture quality is miles better. OK see you later TagFans x

Nothing will ever beat the feeling I had in 1997 when someone started making us toast at 2am at a house party. Proper Jesus and the 5k behaviour. I’m welling up x

Just remembered a quiz I was at in 2005 and one question was “who wrote the Winnie the Pooh books?” and I confidently told the rest of the team it was GG Allin x

Keith Flint's dad has got some moves!

He was caught using a modded Fire Stick to watch iPlayer x