my name is Ty, or Brent. i am 42 years old. i think hearing Spanish is the worst thing that can happen to a person. i have sexually harassed every woman who works at the nearby starbucks. all my sons are named Bryson. last year i drunk drove my dodge ram into a day care center

the poop magician: is this your turd? me: ...no?.. PM: check your pants.... me: !!!!!!

Want to feel old? This is what the Nirvana baby looked like on the cover of the 1991 album Nevermind.

Wow they managed to build nuclear weapons in the last 36 hours!

I will destroy her

Scattering everywhere today lol 😆 Tell ur families goodbye and go die prolly cause someone a narcissist whole timr their family chillin...yall troopers asf

keep it cool, fellas

I fell off on the popular daily puzzle games but now I do Guess The JAV Titles Censored Words, sure most of them are obvious but sometimes it’s more of a challenge

Teddie All Natural Sexy Peanut Butter

I personally would not say shit to Ilhan Omar when her blood sugar is almost certainly at an ebb

Subway Cadbury Creme Egg Submelt (2023-2023): A 6-inch sub roll, filled with Cadbury Creme Eggs and grill-pressed until toasty golden brown. Was available for free, for one day only, at 4 Subway locations in the UK, with only 500 subs available at each location.

uhhh oh my god

Hello? Hey, you there? Okay guys, looks like the Falconer cannot hear us, so we're going to have to check back with him in a bit

HEGSETH: *points to general's ribbon bars* "What'd you get that one for? Fucking your mother?" GENERAL: *sternly* killing vietnamese children

deleted scene from Revenge of the Sith where Anakin uses his tablet communicator to place a parlay on "Number of younglings killed tonight: >100" and "Mustafar mining efficiency wk/wk: <50%" while walking to the Jedi Temple.

I'm betting $1,000 on Kalshi that the falcon will continue to hear the falconer, might also put some money on the centre holding

(doing CPR) come on you son of a bitch. Stay with me. (unbuckling his pants and jacking him off) Don't you fucking die on me. You son of a bitch (sucking him off) Stay away from the light now

VCR technology isnt obsolete, it just hasnt made any advancements in nearly three decades. thats why we here at Sony are proud to annouce our new line of VCRs featuring a whole slate of new buttons, such as PREWIND, SLOW FORWARD, PLAUSE, and STAP

We’ve got a gyre so wide you wouldn’t believe it. big strong men coming up to me, tears in their eyes, saying “sir, I never thought a gyre could be this wide”

Let's get that gyre *widening*

I got the Falcon on Discord hang on. *ring* *ring* Okay he might be afk, let's read off some superchats.

Who up widening their gyre

As always, we got that comment from our buddy the falcon. Buddy we don't know what happened to your falconer. Get out of that gyre, bro, and like and subscribe.

Wait wait before we get into it, you know we gotta- (Co-host) The Richmeister, rea-ding co-py. That's right time to read some copy. The Ethical Hedge Fund. Less evil on the margins is our motto!

Me when I'm monitoring the situation

The Blood-Dimmed Tide Situation Is Crazy

Need all my besties who lack any conviction to be my worsties full of passionate intensity and hit like and subscribe.

Sup chat this is Slouching Towards Bethlehem with your boy The Rough Beast, and it looks like today’s stream could be a big one, as some of you might’ve already seen there are rumors going around social media that the hour has come round at last, so we’re gonna get right into it

We must no longer allow these hotbeds of anti-Americanism to indoctrinate our proud warfighters with the enemy’s wicked ideology!

0 injured in lame-ass explosion

STORM TROOPER SUPERVISOR: great news, we've crushed the rebel alliance STORM TROOPER: does that mean we'll get to— STORM TROOPER SUPERVISOR: let me stop you right there. no. nothing about your lives will change

OBI WAN: you don't need to see his identification STORM TROOPER (getting really hot in the suit): fine. move along. OBI WAN: and these aren't the droids you're looking for STORM TROOPER (lunch break was supposed to be an hour ago): i truly do not fucking care man. think for one second about my life

(wins $268,000,000 power ball jackpot) oh my god!!!! oh my god!!!! now i can finally buy (brick falls directly on brain) one bar of the fabulous viral "Dubai Chocolate"

+20 minutes I'm reading this trip report into the congressional record right now. These halls are exactly as you expect them. Constantly morphing as reptilians shift their camouflage. 3 by the door. Trying to decide whether to signal their mission failure and thus the evaporation of this planet.

charlie kirk didn't kill himself

CONFESSION TIME: Something has been bothering me for the better part of a year and it’s time for me to come clean, especially for myself. I am posting this publicly for my own accountability. I am not going to clean the old spiderweb hanging above the stairs. Here's why.

my new AI powered lamp is trained on millions of lamp interactions so it understands that 50% of chain pulls are to turn it on and the other 50% are to turn it off. and honestly, it's a little spooky how it knows exactly what i want almost half of the time

whatever happened to that one guy? he would always go around on campus and argue with kids about his right wing opinions. like he would say really nasty stuff and smile when they got mad? he had his own company for it, actually. i think he was married to some lady too. havent seen him lately

I suffer from a form of Space Madness known as “Earth Madness”

Recipe for Normal Water 1 cups hot water 1 cups cold water Pour ingredients in bowl and stir until well combined

Well mogged good sir

Hello, baby Yeah, this is the Big Bopper speakin' Ah-ah-ah-ah Oh. Oh I see. How long has she known? Is there anything…? Can I do anything…? Well christ, Jennifer, there’s gotta be a cure. What’d the doctor say? Waddya mean a specialist?! Six months for an appointment??

(Next in line at coffee shop) Hi yeah lemme get a uhhhh… help? Yeah one large help please

an aggressive ant colony reduces the Keebler elves to a pile of bones and little outfits, but what sends a wave of deep unease around the world, the true source of fear, is how fast these ants are able to get cookie production ramped back up

me when i’m asked who marvin the martian is:

Love to be at a party in a large mansion then wander off to explore and find a room with an unusual piece of art only to be startled by the mansion’s owner behind me saying “it’s one of my most interesting pieces”.