Pointing to a girls airpods on the train and mouthing "Hoobastank?"

🤷‍♂️🥱

It would have been too good if it happened because he decided to skip his son’s wedding

These guys really hate cans! Stay away from the cans, Mr. President!!

Steve McQueen had such a bad time making The Blob that he hated blobs for the rest of his life. He refused to work with another blob

Had he really become Death, destroyer of worlds? Or was he just a pest, annoyer of girls? Meanwhile Samantha was sitting on a bomb of her own, and she was ready to go nuclear.

Less and learned…

*Aqualung riff*

a niced coffee

Paul McCartney's mother forbade him from listening to The Beatles when he was growing up. "It wouldn't make sense," she'd say. "It doesn't make any sense.."

Against my better judgement considering going for a bagel at the local shop where they either put a grotesque large amount of cream cheese or barely any at all, trying to beg for a normal amount in the exact tone of Tim Robinson in the Ghost Tour sketch

We’re officially on HOT MUSTARD DORITO WATCH. The FRITO-LAY SNACK CONGLOMERATE, despite inventing the GREATEST DORITO FLAVOR SINCE “COOL RANCH,” seems intent on QUIETLY BURYING THE PRODUCT despite an ENGAGED AND RAVENOUS PUBLIC LOUDLY CLAMORING for their IMMEDIATE RETURN!

A few days ago: I think I might be coming down with something but hopefully it’s just allergies Yesterday: Damn I don’t think it’s allergies Today: PUT ME DOWN LIKE A DOG

The Mandalorian and Grogu have been found dead in what is believed to be a murder-suicide pact.

Facebook meme: In the 80s, we wanted The Cure so we got into The Cars and drove to the Culture Club. It was all Talk Talk on the way there 🤪 Every reply: my son is too clothes minded to understand this. he’s even beginning to dislike breads/toast and im starting to become afraid

and a beautiful name for a baby girl :)

Brassica is such a cunty name for a vegetable

People are just insane now of days

Strong words, but I agree. 😊

She strolled inta the joint. Under her coat, a dress that’d make an atheist confess. She glided up ta me on those clouds she called legs, with a question on the red satin pillows she called lips. She raised a bushy hedge she called an eyebrow and widened the slimy things of goo she called eyes

PBS documentary narrator: Here in the Holy City calm prevails- for at least one night. Kirkians, Erikans and Candaceans alike, fast and pray, awaiting an answer to the last great question posed by their prophet: "Counting or not counting gang violence?"

i unleash a fully charged spin attack and the torque just blows my body apart on the spot like when Major Kusanagi tries to pop the lid of that tank open near the end of Ghost in the Shell, inflicting very little damage upon my opponent but still, you know he's not shaking that image any time soon

These pills are the only thing that keep me from killing myself

Well meaning strangers keep wrestling the gun-shaped pill dispenser out of my mouth so I gotta carry a regular gun to point at them while I use my pill gun on myself

just started having recency bias and i love it. easily the best bias

Surely people have complained to the medical licensing board about unsanitary conditions by now

“WHEN YOU TOLD ME… YOU DIDN’T NEED ME ANYMORE…”

I don’t believe Jeff Lynne has actually seen babies dancing in the midnight sun, let alone people flying through the air. It’s a bit disturbing that we’ve let these obvious fabrications go for so long.

putting a napkin over my head and consuming grogu like the ortolan bird

IMO when we say “so and so must be spinning in their grave” it means they’re spinning horizontally around the z axis like a helicopter’s main rotor, like this:

He’ll yeah

Genuinely no I’m pretty sensitive

Come to Bravil

They closed down AskJeeves because it was the only search engine to answer the questions honestly….

Grimace real Real Grimace Actual Grimace Grimace habitat is Grimace endangered most recent Grimace sighting legal to eat Grimace

Thank you for calling. Please listen closely, as our menu options have changed. If the old world is dying, please, press 1. For new world is struggling to be born, press 2. If now is the time of- Ok. You selected "Monsters." If it is the time of monsters please have your reservation code ready.

The meat pervert: chicken is good. It reminds me of sex. Not as much as beef obviously but there’s something about it.. The meat perverts mom: yeah hes doing much better these days thanks for asking. Hes got some big YouTube channel now, something in the culinary space I dont ask a lot of questions

Mal of propism