In space,

Apparently Marilyn Manson had one of his arm bones removed so he could jack himself off

Alternative universe where instead of investing all the money in the world into generative AI, tech companies spent trillions trying to invent smellovision

𝚞/𝚋𝚎𝚎𝚛𝚐𝚞𝚢𝟷𝟾𝟽𝟹𝟿 [𝙱𝚎𝚎𝚛 𝙽𝚘𝚘𝚋] Hey! I just tried a “Budweiser,” really enjoyed it! Anyone have any suggestions for my second beer? 𝚞/𝙴𝚕𝙲𝚎𝚛𝚟𝚎𝚣𝚊𝚂𝚞𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚖𝚘 [𝙱𝚛𝚎𝚠𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛 🥇] Maybe come back when you’ve had your first beer 🙄

Dogshit ladder. Dreadful

I put my ear to the ground. “There were milves here, recently. Hot ones.” “What’d they want?” Asks the cowboy. “There’s only one thing a milf wants. Sex.” I look back at him. “No strings attached.” “Jesus Christ.”

All I can say is, try to live your life in a way that doesn’t make millions of people do the celebration from the end of Return Of The Jedi when they learn about your death.

Friendly reminder that Donald Trump has never explicitly stated their pronouns.

This is honestly such a dog shit URL. VERY displeasing to look at

Bluesky automatically saves your progress at certain points. When you see this icon, do not close Bluesky

You’re all so credulous. He has simply been returned to the Golden Throne where 1000 psykers are sacrificed to maintain his body

Diarrhoea is the only disease people like having

Criterion Closet but for porno

tfw you catch bro whispering poison in his lord’s ear to turn him against his allies 🤣

Guy who gets barbed wire forehead tattoo right before experiencing severe male pattern baldness

Coroner speaking into a tape recorder: heart and lungs appear normal, moving on to the stomach. Ah, here we go, looking at the contents, I can see… yep, an entire thing of corn chips. Julian mark down cause of death please, the deceased ate a little bit too much and their tummy hurt.

@demilardner.bsky.social show good

Commentator in the alternative universe where instead of professional wrestling there’s a global sports entertainment industry based around samurai: After fending off 100 of Randy Orton’s bandits, John Cena has earned the opportunity to be declared daimyō at Bushidōmania

When the tidings are glad, you know I’m on my merriment shit. But when the tidings are ill, that’s when woe betides me

GUY STARTING A FIGHT: I can't wait to sucker punch you. ME: I hope you choose suck.

I regret to inform you.

Pleased to announce that I have been appointed the US ambassador to The Great Caverns Beneath The Earth, The Yawning Void That No Sun Has Touched. I’m excited to discuss trade policy with The One Who Hunts In Silence

In a stroke of luck, I discovered an iron deposit in my backyard giving my son a +1 Productivity bonus

I’ve always wanted to leave something in someone’s capable hands

Hey check this out

FBI copyright warning at the beginning of an ISIS beheading video

What social media algorithms recommend Twitter: Nazi who thinks immigrants are why he can’t get a girlfriend Bluesky: drunk Democrat scold Facebook: AI slop from an account named Modi for Ohio Instagram: Dua Lipa’s ass

I hear the door open. My father, a decade absent from our family, walks back into our home. “Wow, the queue was horrendous. Got the milk though!” Trembling, I reply: “I thought you went out for cigarettes?” The smile fades from his face. “Shit! Hang on, I’ll be right back”

I’m part of a cultural exchange program with a Malaysian binturong. I’m climbing in trees feeding on a diet of insects and fruit. Meanwhile, it is typing out emails

Chocolate Chip Cookies Approx time: 30 minutes I pen these words in the hope that they somehow find their way back to the civilised world. If, dear reader, you found this diary still in the place about which I write, flee now while you can. I first learned of the Yalwan Tomb from my colleague Sir C

The worst YouTube videos are named like “God, Marx, and Learning Acceptance: The Story of Super Mario 64” and the best ones are all called like “Horse Music”

Doing a new bit where I say “when I was younger” to describe something that happened like a week ago, annoying everyone with no tangible benefit

I believe that Donald Trump has strong opinions about the Three Stooges. He thinks that Curly ruined the dynamic

I just received a monthly recap email from a website from which I purchased a single replacement watch band

*sees a hot woman* uhhh, okay. Now what

Opening a pornhub window and nervously typing “husband and wife” into the search bar

ThePiningSergeant: I think I fucked up fellas. Told my CO I’d follow him to the the ends of the earth were he only to ask and then he died NaivePrivate: oh nice one dude, now I won’t be able to show him the photo of my sweetheart waiting at home that I keep in my pocket

buddy you came to the wrong ass to fuck

Pulling up to the petrol pump and trying to decide between still and sparkling

Some time in the last few decades, a person making a depression meal from whatever they had in the fridge while still wearing their pyjamas accidentally created a flavour combination that would stun even the most jaded food critic at a Michelin star restaurant

@gooffkings.bsky.social hey guys im really excited for Repo with Pope Francis tomorrow night! Love it when you get guests on

Hey, Azagûl, can you shut the door? Thanks. Take a seat. So, we wanted to go over some of your Vizier Performance Indicators for this quarter: our main concern is that your assigned Sultan hasn’t really been making decisions against his best interests. Do you have his ear?

Being a trial lawyer is weird because there aren’t many jobs you can have where someone else’s job is to make sure you don’t do your job

I mock yanks constantly and I’m not going to stop anytime soon, but it’s undeniable that they have much easier access to hot dogs than I ever will

Gordon Ramsey: This laboratory is absolutely filthy. When was the last time you cleaned out these flasks? And… fuck me is this eye of rat? Wizard: Well eye of newt is just so expensive, I— Gordon: Tell me you’re not providing potions to the fucking king

👑 KingsChat 👑 AzimTheWise: yoooo did u guys hear what happened to Theodore IV Shogun_Yoshitsune: ??? wha Zhenxi🐲: his vizier betrayed him Zhenxi🐲: poisoned him at his own feast 😂 Shogun_Yoshitsune: ahahahahha