Christmas is the “you should smile more” of seasons.

We aren't on the verge of an authoritarian takeover. We are in the middle of it. But I worry people don't see the whole scheme. They just pay attention to each new daily outrage. So I went to the Senate floor to explain Trump's plan. Here's a 🧵of the speech. It's important.

Do drugs make your shoulders disappear?

Alright. I tried it, and went outside and touched some grass. I’m still angry. How much grass do I need to touch?

My hometown and alma mater rarely make national news, but when they do it’s never good.

*Ad Rock voice* Listen all of y’all, it’s a triple sabotage!

Here are two minutes of lowlights from Trump’s rambling, hour-long address to the UN General Assembly that Twitter is calling one of the most embarrassing moments in recent US history. Subscribe to zeteo.com for more.

I disagreed with most of what Charlie Kirk said. And now that he has died, I disagree with most of what Charlie Kirk said.

He is insane.

who up refluxin’ they acid

His words and actions dishearten me much less than the people clapping for them.

What’s the German word for Neil Young’s On the Beach songs played lived by CSN&Y in 1974?

Please. Will someone at one of these hearings ask Kash Patel, “You seem grumpy. Do you need a nap?”

Two different sources told me Dr. Phil can’t film an episode without first taking a NyQuil PM and doing 3 lines of cocaine.

censorship is out of control! for example, how come we never get to see the photos of the Veggie Tales smoking

This graph is misleading. It only accounts for deaths. Many left-wing terrorist attacks don’t conclude in death because right-wingers are super strong and many are bulletproof.

I’m listening to a podcast on the history of philosophy knowing that I will remember only bits which will fuck me up in the future.

Getting older is not all bad. Like, I feel no societal pressure to “get” anime or emo music. As far as I am concerned, they’re the same thing.

Post a perfect album from the 90s that isn’t Nirvana, Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, or Alice In Chains

Is this a Gutfeld rhyme?

Ok, sure. This looks just like a bear. I’m sorry. A major bear. Idiot.

2 of the 3 most punchable faces. The other is of course Ted Cruz. Some put Charlie Kirk on that list, but scientifically speaking his face is too small to punch.

Life and How to Live It I’ve Been High I Believe E-Bow the Letter Try Not to Breathe Gardening at Night Country Feedback You Are the Everything Wolves Lower

I see we’ve moved past the emperor-has-no-clothes phase into the emperor-has-no-flesh phase.

38

I can

I’m pretty sure that’s Shoresy who yells out, “Answer the question coward!”

Enlightenment is knowing McCartney is the weird, experimental one.

I once snuck into a concert just to see if I could. Got to the front to see the opener, Cheep Trick, absolutely rock. Left in the middle of Aerosmith’s second song.

Late-breaking news: a guy has spilled a lot of Reese’s Pieces. We’re talking a lot. You’ll be seeing it more and more

omg travis & taylor are engaged omg ! 𝕊ℍ𝕀ℕ𝔾𝕃𝔼𝕊 𝔻𝕆𝔼𝕊ℕ’𝕋 ℂ𝔸ℝ𝔼

Led Zeppelin liner notes are so annoying. Yes. I know Jimmy Page contributed misogyny and black magic, but WHO ORIGINALLY WROTE THE SONG?

Third Way asks politicians to quit using the term “equity slice” and just say “class free pizza.”

class free pizza. it’s worth fighting for. not just for seniors but for everyone.

Please join my cult. And, yes, it’s a cult. But, I have reached enlightenment by following the teachings of the trinity of Dr. Phil, Malcolm Gladwell and Grant Cardone. Check out these rad shoes you’ll get.

The best thing about Bluesky: 93% less Ted Cruz

I see we’ve moved past the emperor-has-no-clothes phase into the emperor-has-no-flesh phase.

Absolutely incredible video of a woman standing up to ICE. This is resistance 1/2

Men will literally become brown shirts instead of going to therapy.

If Cracker Barrel makes Sydney Sweeney their spokesperson, Gutfeld will short circuit.

Vaxxed?

The dude is even transactional with God. Just an utterly broken, stupid person.

Consider calling my state rep, Dusty Burrows who happens to be the Texas Speaker of the House, to congratulate him. He’s managed to look both fascistic and cowardly in doing the immoral bidding of Trump/Abbott and siccing the police on elected Dems. Such a small guy. (512) 463-0542

The state of America: it’s like a 6 year old is teaching a graduate level history course, and half of the class is studiously taking notes and nodding their heads. Also, that 6 year old is throwing people in prisons without a trial and was best friends with the most notorious pedophile.

🧵🧵🧵 In this thread, I lay out more than a dozen facts about Trump and his child-molester friends Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell. I challenge you to read the whole thread and then decide what the odds are that Trump did not abuse girls or tolerate his pals Epstein and Maxwell doing so.

After naming himself as board chair of the Kennedy Center, Trump names himself and Vance as the Holy Spirit.

You’re getting warmer, Katie. Almost there. Why do you think that is, Kate? Why?

Ken Paxton is the most corrupt Attorney General in Texas history. This malignant clown was impeached by his own party. He has ZERO credibility on issues of law and order. Pipe down.