I don’t believe in treating the idea of beating a joke into the ground as a pejorative, I think it’s our responsibility, like a hunter who uses every part of the deer instead of letting it go to waste

Collapsing into bed completely drained of life-force then discovering I have more to give when horizontal and sharing instagram stories.

Striker Michael Keane.

I got ID-ed today, lads. Almost certainly for the last time.

"You look like you've lost weight" "Thanks, I've been really nervous"

i only watch porn so that I'll know what to do if i ever have to have sex

On Bob Mortimer's Desert Island Discs he's asked why nobody's doing comedy like he did anymore, which always feels like the guest is being baited into saying they'd be "cancelled", and he answers "because it's a career path now, not just lads dicking about". Refreshing perspective.

Zack Polanski's queer northern army 🫡🫡

I've hardly had a drink for two years, and yes, there are subtle benefits blah blah. BUT what I really miss is going out for three pints of beer and a whiskey to finish. Those first three are so pure. It's diminishing returns after that. And the whiskey draws matters to a close beautifully.

Brando tells taxi drivers she is the estranged daughter of Al Pacino. They are always enthralled by her stories about her childhood with him and excited to tell everyone who they had in their cab. When they reach the destination, she coldly says "none of that was true" and doesn't tip.

Tabs doesn't sleep in a conventional bed during the Spring. Around March, she starts collecting twigs, dry grass, and clumps of hair collected from hairbrushes left in the gym changing room. When she has enough, she turns her whole bedroom into a nesting box.

My "treat" for finally getting my NHS grant approved is going to be a very lurid and very ridiculous jumper costing less than £10. It's 11 days until the money comes into my account, but I am already scouring vinted☺️

the tory proposal to deport 4-7% of the uk population is a fascist one - & we have to call it that my latest with @thebulwark.com www.thebulwark.com/p/tories-con...

I've been granted access to the list of people that actually *would* impress Jodie Foster. DMs open.

Just got this as a targetted ad

You should just be able to say "I'm a stand up comedian" and they throw a rucksack stuffed with Elvanse at you.

Wolves trying to bag everyone's favourite dad crush, is it?

Today would have been Brianna Ghey’s 19th birthday.

Was thinking about the guy who upset me being shitty about my mental health posting, but I guess, as long as there are people being shitty about it, then it still has a function. As a society, we've accepted mild to moderate anxiety and depression, but there's so much more to mental health.

Which country are you closest when in Italy? See more maps like this: brilliantmaps.com/which-one...

After some dreamy chill-out music to sail you to slumber? My very talented pal has got ya covered.

WHAT'S GOT TWO THUMBS AND WON THEIR BURSARY APPEAL.

No enquiries about clothes so deleted. Will whack some on depop instead.

Sorry, lads, but I don't believe the results of a study that found amitriptyline elevated the mood of depressed patients, but cocaine didn't. I simply don't think that is true.

We're all in for some VERY funny tiktoks from politicians trying to mimic Mamdani.

Had a 10-minute scan of linkedin and this sense of doom passed right through me. A dark, undulating wave of spiritual dread. The frightful spectre of B2B sales.

#birdbot

Put makeup on for a wee personal boost. End up doing it the same as I do every day. Didn't even change the colour of the eyeliner.

Ominous

I can't for the life of me find this piece or work out where I wrote it. Long shot, but if anyone remembers?

thinking about My Father's Camry Filled With Leaves again

Guy Fawkes signature and Guy Fawkes signing for an Evri parcel

Live, Laugh, Lynch

succubus - female demon that seduces men incubus - male demon that seduces women vengabus - non-binary demon that likes to party

In Love Actually, it says that no one on the planes on 9/11 sent messages of hate only messages of love, but I like to think at least one person phoned and told their boss to blow a goat.

Live, Laugh, Lynch

It amazing how you can unthinkingly put something down in a small flat and never see it again: "The universe apologises for any inconvenience, but that ibuprofen has been assimilated by the vicinity".

Deleted all the posts that sounded desperate or beggy. I'm sorry, guys. Everything will be ok in the end because it always is, but when I get frantic with not knowing where the money for something is coming from I post in a very undignified way.

When anyone mentions FDR I reflexively mention that socialite FDR Jnr being experimentally treated for a sinus infection with Prontisil popularised the use of sulphonamide antibiotics in the USA, likely preventing many deaths and alleviating even more suffering from strep infection.

If you only "acknowledge my mental health struggles" by weaponising against me when I say pet owners can be pretty entitled, I'd rather you didn't acknowledge them at all, ta.

"Fireworks displays are ableist" is definitely happening in some corner of tumblr at this very moment.

So, is there a Mrs. Men?

Someone on twitter once told me that enjoying fireworks was akin to climate change denial. So I guess that's the weirdest thing anyone got mad at me for.

It kills me that he goes on to specify that he's talking about people from Hertfordshire.

so many good pictures out there

My dad's girlfriend once tried to persuade him to see a hypnotist to quit smoking, but he refused because he "knew a guy who recovered a terrible memory under hypnosis and couldn't stop screaming". It took my sister to point out that he didn't; that was something that happened on The Simpsons.

Gotta say, living on the 7th floor on bonfire night is cool as fuck.

Respect to all boilers who served 🫡

Is "Butternaise" not just a hollandaise?

good morning specifically to the FBI agent who introduced Mamdani’s dad to Marx