RFK: voting democrat causes autism

When musicians don’t know how to end a song, they just fade out. I think other writers should do that too. Sketch comedy, screenwriting, playwrights. Have everyone talk softer and softer as they slowly sneak off stage. Novelists can end chapters with gradually shrinking type.

[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?

“No worries,” I say, from the fetal position.

i have ideas of federal workers to lay off if they need names

i'm fifty one years old and really trying to analyze the hardships i've faced over my life; whether they were a product of my environment, my own decisions, or random groups of people that i can point at and blame for everything and let me just say thank goodness for those random groups of people

"Are you going to be ok during the government shutdown?" buddy I'm still recovering from when the library switched to digital catalogs in 1998

Text STOP to quit this presidency.

what if we just had a White House shutdown

normalize purse bread

time to hoard hexes before they shut down Etsy

i’m in France and you’ve never seen someone so pissed as when i ordered beef with white wine

when i die instead of scattering my ashes i’m leaving instructions for who should get which bones

a gap on my resume that says stopped giving a fuck

my inbox has one unread email that’s been there forever that i can never find and this might be the thing that finally does me in

the American gov’t collapsing would fix me

a guy who said he’d stop all wars starting a war department is what you’d expect from a dude who said he’d date his own daughter

if you figure me out, i’ll need an explanation

It’s just me and my good pair of tweezers against this world

Florida’s new motto: Redder and Deader

florida has started preparations to be reclaimed by the sea

i bet in heaven they let you see your password while typing it

i suggest gutting all programs evolution is working on so its sole purpose can be making people less stupid

what's the rule? no white people after Labor Day?

he'll always be dead in our hearts

RFK Jr looks like he’s been sampling the diseases at the CDC

Sorry I said I was sorry when I wasn't.

There should be a way to send a text to everyone in the DNC telling them, no, it’s ME who needs $10 bitches

1775 called. They want their tyranny back.

i hate when context is provided, fuck off my version is FUN

intimacy is a bitch

Being swallowed by a massive sinkhole might fix me

What do you think Trump is getting us for 9/11 this year

they gave the wrong Kennedy a lobotomy

the CDC says, fuck it we’re out

men who stand in the middle of the room right where everyone needs to walk looking obliviously at their phone is the home version of manspreading

Mastercard is the nosiest credit card. what’s in my wallet? nothing bitch, fuck you

the rapture is taking too long, we need these people out of here

Influencers were a mistake.

I hate it when people hog the 5 lb weights at the gym like c’mon Brenda I’m trying to get ripped here

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

don’t murder someone when you’re in a bad mood, wait until you’re in a good mood so you can enjoy it

I’ve given myself some time to calm down and now I’m furious

sixty seconds in the microwave would fix me

oh you have street cred? my first ride in the back of a cop car was when i was ten

I should be able to get a ride on a fire truck if they’re already going that way

I’m not a morning or night person. I identify as lunch.

Where have all the frontal lobes gone?

i know someone else who banned anne frank