are we calling it World War III yet?

Brutus: *stabbing Caesar* Caesar: Haha this is so us

A spray bottle, for close talkers.

not today small weird door in my attic

horror story in four words: make america great again

I’ve taken “no offense” out of my lexicon. Get mad, bitch, idc

I wish my life was as mysterious as one shoe on the side of the highway.

This meeting could’ve been a sticky-note.

if it looks like a war and talks like a war it’s a war

ugh i’m still writing one hour earlier on all my checks

sorry i’m late to international women’s day - i had to do a bunch of things for other people first

how do i turn off notifications for America

due to current gas prices, i'm gonna need you to get out of my car and into my dreams.

"Not gonna lie," he lied

Single hot moms in your area don't have time for your shit

Your mother and I met thanks to a starter pack called badass shitposters

brb the crows are calling me outside

Other day I was interviewing a lady and she said "my husband does what you do" and I thought "oh I highly doubt it"

just throwing it out there but i’ve loved barack obama since his first album.

a gap on my resume that says i didn’t fucking feel like it

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

I'll hold your hair back so you don't get any apocalypse on it.

I'm the author of my own life, but I use passive voice and am an unreliable narrator.

interviewer: tell us about yourself me: can’t, i’m an unreliable narrator

I tried carbon dating before. After a month, their personality got coal.

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

Y’all mind if a white boy does a little unreliable narrating

they already updated Markwayne’s Wikipedia page

so is he going to take her out back and shoot her?

WE WILL BE WELCOMED AS LIBERATORS, I yell, as I walk into the dive bar I was banned from

do Florida Barbie next

Republicans Senators don’t have to worry about AI making their jobs irrelevant because they are just doing that themselves.

I just know my soulmate out there also never leaving their house.

i saw you replied to my post but also saw you failed to like it, so i guess that’s another sleepless night for me

I’m at the age where my patience has turned into tolerance, and that tolerance is running thin.

hope i never get regime changed

i don’t want to click a link and i don’t want to subscribe to anything what i want is to fight god under the blood moon

Scary if true: walking pneumonia

trying to influence the midterms with his one big beautiful war

people with bone spurs shouldn’t be allowed to start wars

If you watch "Memento" backward, it's a movie

I knew someone who actually died on a hill. I refused to attend the funeral because I don’t reward clichés.

Online gambling oh you mean ordering from eBay.

Horrifying if literal: a coat of arms

I don't mind getting the silent treatment as long as it's constructive

they renamed it the Department of War so it would be that much easier to just add “Crimes” at the end of it

Sorry I missed your text, I deleted it before reading