[my kids playing Battleship] 8yo: HAHA! I sunk your carrier! 12yo: (somber) There were 80 people on that ship. They had children.

big boss is grumpy because the kitchen is out of cracker jack’s

oh, you LIKED with a thumbs up instead of a heart? fuck off

I need someone to go on a hike with me and enjoy nature but then check my hair for ticks

it’s called a telephone because you tell a phone things

i’m wearing a wedding dress today just in case

i actually could use another lockdown right about now

operation epic failure

job interviewer: hi, how are you me: legally you can’t ask me that

How do we know that staring at our phones all day every day is bad? What if it's super good? Have there been any studies checking to see if it's super good?

I have so many mistakes. It's hard to choose a favourite.

I'm tired of seeing things with such uncomfortable fucking clarity.

A LOTR themed adult toy store called Dildo T. Baggins

it’s the first Cinco de Mayo on a Taco Tuesday in 978 years

bsky: IF YOU LIKE YOUR DAD’S HOUSE (twitter) BETTER THEN GO LIVE THERE, OVER HERE WE HAVE CONSEQUENCES

term limits, but for my patience

a perk of getting old is not needing to learn whoever the fuck that is our list of people who we know who the fuck they are is pretty locked at this point

the kids: six seven the 38 year olds on bluesky: ohhh so close

all women should be given a free sword and allowed to take it everywhere they want to

for sale: boots that were not made for walking

be someone the world isn’t looking forward to talk about in the past tense

can’t wait to see the chapter of the history books about the FBI director getting indicted for playing with seashells on the beach

they should invent a me that's awake

not tonight honey i have a gun

You lost me at "further more"

I’m an organ donor because I’ve accepted that like an old car, I’ll one day reach a point where the only sensible thing to do with me is to strip me for parts.

the internet should only be open during business hours

take your kids to work day sucks when you work from home

I’m not a loner, I’m just selectively social.

revenge cowgirl

By the way, your six-digit verification code is 179823

normalize walking into the sea after the slightest inconvenience

you just know some guy named geoff decided to spell it "pigeon"

I’m reanimating life with dark magic if you wanna swing by

alexa release the hounds

everything since pangaea has been a mistake

their full name is Silversun Light-Duty Pickup Trucks but they shortened it for merch

15 y/o daughter asked me to pick up feminine hygiene products for her. She went on to explain that, “Mom doesn’t need them anymore because her men are all paused.”

I hate when my brain has too many tabs open

it's so sad when good looking people die

the fates: let’s do a timeline where the dumbest person in the world thinks they’re the smartest person in the world

tv studio tag line “not a doctor”

This is the worst season of The Apprentice yet

embracing my ‘fuck it’ era

When a person loses 1 sense the others are heightened. That's why people who have no sense of humor have an amazing sense of self-importance.

omg astronauts made it all the way to the dang moon and then all the way home and now they can't get the satellite phone to work and NASA is basically like "hey okay but did you press the right button okay so just a sec we'll call you back" and I'm 100% convinced they're calling tech support

unfortunately the astronauts luggage was mistakenly sent to mars

what do you MEAN my flight will be late, i just watched something from THE MOON land on time