The feminine urge to hit people with a frying pan

I'll eat candy and go straight to bed. You can't boss me.

You're not autistic you're just annoying

I don't let my age define me, but the side effects are getting harder to ignore.

wherever america’s dignity is I hope it’s happy

ask your doctor if choosing this hill to die on is right for you

eh, i’ve been blocked by better

We will eat avocado toast and kill every industry until our demands are met.

I bet it feels great to be a window slamming shut on a windy Wednesday afternoon

Sorry I’m late, but I couldn’t unseal my crypt

(slow wink) Wanna get thrown out of an Applebees?

Get in loser, we’re road-tripping to Texas this weekend and burning Bibles.

The French gave us the Statute of Liberty so refugees would come here instead of France.

Let’s light the moon on fire.

oh - so we aren’t SUPPOSED to constantly pass it to the other team?

so is he gonna deport Balogun now

As a big believer in curses, this all makes sense.

Somewhere in the world, Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend when he’s in his mid-70s, was just born.

the blood orange is just a regular orange that likes a little murder

“there’s no place like home” i say, while crawling into a ditch

a red card but for reply guys and they are banned from participating in your next post

i showed you my cursed amulet please respond

does anyone know how to log off

did the USMT forget what color shirts their team is wearing

Not gonna pierce these baking potatoes with a fork, in fact I hope they explode. I hope it takes out the whole neighborhood.

I’ll say a prayer for you, but just so you know it’s going to be REO Speedwagon lyrics

this 4th of July is like America buried in the rubble and the rescue mission has been called off

movie pitch: what if the North won the Civil War

They should invent a phone I never want to look at

ask your doctor if letting it linger is right for you

cant believe nyc is not only walkable but climbable

RIP funny thought I had while driving

FIFA statistics be like “this is the first time France scored at minute 7 on a Tuesday during a strawberry moon”.

[being murdered on a rollercoaster] please tell them i screamed because of the murder and not because i was scared of the upside down part

i just want to be able to edit other people’s posts

if i want my panties in a twist that’s my business don’t tell me what to do

Your post-apocalypse bunker or mine babe

(inventing the human condition) let's make it exhausting

i rose up from my bog for this?

decisions make me ill

Monitoring the unauthorized cat in my garden from the attic window with an antique bronze spyglass

Success is the best revenge. Or maybe arson. The point is, be vengeful

A hitman called Natural Causes

i just came back from 3 weeks in Greece and locked myself out of my work computer bc i forgot my password so now i have to move to Europe

“be best” was right there

Remember somebody somewhere is relying on you for your stupidity as entertainment.

do not understand why you’d hire a lawyer to personally injure you

Accidently smiled at someone again because I was thinking about food.

but they were all of them deceived, for another monday was made

getting lasik surgery on my third eye