I can always tell when my wife is listening to The Beatles on her headphones. Something in the way she moves... #humour #humoursky

If I say "Every day is a day closer to him not being here anymore", you know exactly who I mean. Weird, that.

What doesn't kill you regroups and brings reinforcements. #humour #humoursky

Autistic implies the existence of andtistic and by extention, nottistic and xautistic. #humour #humoursky

I make ice cubes containing glitter, which is pretty cool. #humour #humoursky

Casper would like to say he's rather comfy and to call him when it's feeding time.

The thing I love most about Oasis is when I can't hear them.

Trip Advisor: The definitive guide to the most uneven pavements, paths and walkways. #humour #humoursky

Do it. Do it. Do it.

Gravy boat. Gravy train. Why stop there? What about a gravy skateboard?? A gravy unicycle??? A gravy hang glider???? #humour #humoursky

My body is a temple, i.e. the same size and weight. #humour #humoursky

The working week. That annoying break between Sunday and Saturday. #humour #humoursky

@nerineskinner.bsky.social Hiya, I've dumped Twitter. Too nasty now. Need calm!

@nerzog.bsky.social Hi dude! You obviously saw I dumped Twatter. No more energy to carry on there. Needed the calm!

Judge: "And how do you find the defendant?" Jury: "I looked and found him over there!"

#ASongOrMovieForRewards Fields Of Gold Stars

My boss says I'm comedian. His actual word were "You're funny in the head", but it's the same thing, right? Right?? #humour #humoursky

Alan gets up at 5am. He leaves his house at 6am and walks 10 minutes to catch a bus. The bus takes 15 minutes to the train station. He catches a train at 6:35. The train arrives at 8:22 and he takes a 35 minute taxi ride to his workplace. When does he realise he has 35 more bloody years of this?

Knock knock. Who's there? Amazon. Amazon who? "Sorry we missed you, we left your parcel next door". #humour #humoursky

Pepperami. It's a bit of an animal. They just don't tell you which bit. Or which animal. #humour #humoursky

Enter Sandman "Excuse me mate, where do you want this sand?"

I love people. If people are replaced with cats. #humour #humoursky

Mango implies the existence of manstop. #humour #humoursky

A periodic table is dining furniture from the 1800's.

I left Twitter the other day. Kinda missing the nutters. NOT!! It's so peaceful 😁

@emophilips.bsky.social Found you on here! And I followed you. You may be sorry.

Never eat mouldy food, because you'll throw up on the floor, causing someone to slip in it and fall into an industrial mincer. Think on. #humour #humoursky

Never stare directly at the sun, because now blind, you may stumble into the path of an oncoming bus, causing it to swerve and crash, killing all the passengers. Think on. #humour #humoursky

Never put your hand into an operating food processor, because a piece of bone might fly out and blind someone. Think on. #humour #humoursky

@mikebatt.bsky.social Good morning kind sir. I've dumped Twitter. The stupid wore me down.

Testing a list. Do you see this?

Aparrently, sawmills don't mill saws. Youll be telling me next that windmills don't mill wind and watermills don't mill water next. #humour #humoursky

You know those days where you wake up before the alarm, spring out of bed, get to work unimpeded, the day goes smoothly with no interruptions or problems, you leave on time, the traffic flows smoothly and you get home and don't argue with your partner? Me neither. #humour #humoursky

I've been on Cesspit Central (X) on and off, dealing with conspiritards, moon landing deniers, space deniers, antivaxxers, flat earthers, chemtards. Trying to ignore them and failing miserably. Left now. Good riddance.

I live life on The Edge, but it tends to interfere with U2's touring schedule. #humour #humoursky

I was wrong to think that shoe inserts would not affect my posture. I stand corrected. #humour #humoursky

I'll tack the high road and you tack the low road and we'll see who can puncture the most car tyres. #humour #humoursky

Ben E. King sung about entering power-down mode when he performed "Standby Me". #humour #humoursky

They say "Every day is a school day". Well I'm 64 and Mr. Watkins in geography has been married four times, the art block has burnt down twice, we've had several replacement history trachers and "Biffer" Jenkins has flushed my head down the toilet 24367 times. #humour #humoursky

My mate said "I can't feel my face!" I said "What coincidence, I can't feel your face either!" #humour #humoursky

I was on fire at my job today! It didn't go down well with the rest of my colleagues at the fireworks factory. #humour #humoursky

For those who hang in a buffalo stance, do you need specially adapted underwear? Just sounds a bit uncomfortable. #humour #humoursky

Brian May. Theresa May. James May. I bet they don't. #humour #humoursky

There's a fine line between the tip of a fishing rod and the hook. #humour #humoursky

McDonald's usage of the word "hot" and common usage differs by about 4,000°C. ##humour #humoursky

"You put both hands in, Both hands out, In, out, in, out, Shake them all about" - hand dryer instructions. #humour #humoursky

Someone asked me "Do you eat meals with your cat?" I said "No, I always use cutlery" #humour #humoursky

Bono opened a shop selling untitled confectionery. It's where the sweets have no name. #humour #humoursky

So sue me.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, can someone recommend a good cleaning spray? #humour #humoursky