The lady's not for lecterning. (There, that's at least a 1980s reference, just)

I just swallowed a cherry pit, so if you see any "Cherry tree grows out of man" stories, it's probably me.

I was thinking I should start doing jokes with more up to date references, and I love that my first thought was to do something about Justin Bieber.

Campaign to get “ Î “ the standard for an emphasized uppercase i.

"Where was all this support when he was PM?" Yeah, like he's resigning cause a few people shitposted about him on Bluesky.

Don't forget to like and subscribe, I don't post all this drivel for the fun of it.

[files "When are they fittng a revolving door at number 10" post to the "Way too obvious" folder]

Following on from uncomfortable incidents in the past, I now make sure all my hats are made from something edible.

The world goes to hell But don't forget to smell the Flowers by the road #Senryū #Senryuu #Senryu

This is now the official subtitle of the Prime Minister.

Apropos of nothing, a film starring Roger Moore about a man who is plagued by a cooler version of himself, who eventually ends up replacing him.

Ear Buds: A disappointing sequel where a golden retriever misses a call from the coach because he's wearing earphones.

A montage of acts who played at Banbury Pride on 30th May. Further proof I appear to be incapable of appearing on camera without making a gurning face.

This is the quality of stuff they need to protect our under 16s from.

I disappointed with these noise cancelling earphones, I can still hear [insert you own most hated musical artist here].

Just because I make a stupid joke on your serious thread, doesn't mean I want to have a deep discussion about it.

"We need to inflate all these balloons. Quick, get someone on the blower."

How about a game of Headline or Porn Film? I'll start; Larry Hagman Does Dallas

The trouble with wives is, if you get unhappy with the one you have, no matter how many more you get, you will always be looking for someone better. Sorry, did I say wives, I meant Prime Ministers.

Fan blows through the night Gently stroking my body Or is that my wife #Senryū #Senryuu #Senryu

Could be my new favourite game…

I’d bend over backwards for a decent exercise for my spine.

Pet shop employee: So, are you good with cats? Schrödinger: Yes and no.

There is a universe out there where Elon Musk got out of being forced to buy Twitter.

ROOSTA: [Shouts] But there aren’t any real people here at all!!

This is just Elon Musk in a green hood.

Happy Dad's Joke Day, to all who celebrate.

If you see this, post a vampire that isn’t Dracula

I'm trying out a new act where I get shot out of a cannon at a huge clock. I just hope I hit the big time.

Me: [accidentally bites my lip] My immune system: "OK lads, he obviously likes doing that, let's build a big whelt there, to make it easy for him to do it again."

I'm quite into lavender chocolate, by which I mean, I won't thrown the bar away if I drop it in the bubbles when I'm having a bath.

Apparently my jokes are really hitting big in the "Emma Watsons who want to know if I'm in for a bit of fun" demographic.

4 parts incompetence 3 parts bad luck 1 part laziness 1 part sabotage Mix together and wait. And that's a recipe for disaster.

I’m sure the doctor said one of the exercises for my hand was to try holding a beer bottle and raising it up and down to my lips.

Can’t help thinking two of those things might be unrelated to Tгumр.

You’re so dumb You probably think this allegory ain’t about you You’re so dumb You had to look up allegory, didn’t you, didn’t you, didn’t you

A good example of inflation? These days the Six Million Dollar Man would buy you a modest two bed terraced house in some areas.

“How are you?” “Oh, can’t complain these days because of woke or something.”

Dear Bluesky, much as I like being able to pause GIFs to examine a frame, even if you do splash a big play button over the bit I’m most likely to want to look at, it would be nice if you gave some way to zoom it like you can with images, THANK YOU FOR YOUR INATTENTION TO THIS MATTER.

It would save a lot of time if you just added when you *are* able to verify anything Tгumр says.

I come from the era when “being on the spectrum” meant you were playing on your Sinclair computer.

Well, I resisted the urge to try and play any bass. I still feel a bit of a fraud just being a singer, and with no bass to hide behind, you have to try and do something on stage. Hopefully I’ll be able to play by the time of our next gig.

Hot n Cold #ASongOrMovieForSummer26 #ZeroEffort #HashtagGame

We've got a gig tonight. I'm so tempted to play at least one song on the bass with just left handed tapping, just to show how talented I am (Narrator: he wasn't that talented). My wife: You can do that once your right hand is healed. My brain: Yeah, but that wouldn't be proper showing off somehow.

The irony of some English football fans complaining that they all get tarred with the same brush because of a small minority of wrong’uns and then those same people wanting to get rid of all the immigrants cause they’re all rapists.

When people ask me what games I’ve worked on, I usually reply “probably nothing you’ve heard of”. From now on I’m going to say I worked on one of the Mario games (without elaborating).

One simple hack for luggage restrictions. #SixWordStory #WritingCommunity

I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party. I’m going as Nigel Faгage MP and not turning up.

Without an ounce of irony, I start to scream "You know they can't hear you" at a Bluesky screen full of people screaming at #totp