For sale: Mint in box, very rare. No lowballers, I know what I got.

People keep wanting me to build landing stage for boats, but I’m not giving in to pier pressure.

"...And then, once the person has firmly grasped and tugged on the proffered digit, one simply makes a raspberry noise, as if to affect the passing of wind. One must remember not to blow too hard. On an unrelated note, I will be requiring a fresh set of underwear this morning." #GirlsOwnCC

I mean, what's the point of doing anything if you're not going to get a prize for it?

Blaming Norway for not getting a Nobel prize is like invading Ireland for not being in the Guinness book of records.

I shall absolutely be calling children 'things you've done at a genetic level' from now on.

Ferrous Bueller's Day Off #ASongOrMovieForMetalObjects #HashtagGame

“His intimidating hat”

Back to selling data to dodgy entities I guess?

I've commissioned someone to make a bust of me. But I'm getting a head of myself.

Making Coq au Vins for Nigel #PoultryDishesInASongOrMovie #HashtagGame

I don't reply to my reviews enough but I really should because everyone is so bloody nice. Thank you, if you're one of these people. Honestly, it keeps me doing it. marswasrubbish.etsy.com

Too much salt, not enough vinegar.

Glottal Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot #ASongOrMovieForLanguageAbility #HashtagGame

The Surespeak Comprehension #ASongOrMovieForLanguageAbility #HashtagGame

Time to rename it EATO?

"Hey Bluesky, it would be nice to see what people on my lists are reposting." "NO, NOT LIKE THAT!"

in cum tax

When your foreign policy is based on the fact you think real life is just like the movies…

If you want an idea of how old you are, search for your favourite TV character when you were a kid and see how far you have to scroll down before you get a result that is actually about them.

Bod will return in Avengers: Doomsday

Reporter: It was after that when things really started to balloon.

Do what I want or I'll make my people pay more taxes.

Three Colours: Blueprint #ASongOrMovieForCreating #HashtagGame

Papercraft Tiger #ASongOrMovieForCreating #HashtagGame

Dye Hard #ASongOrMovieForCreating #HashtagGame

It's a Madras Madras Madras Madras World #HotAndSpicyFoodInASongOrMovie #HashtagGame

Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bombay Potato #HotAndSpicyFoodInASongOrMovie #HashtagGame

Dude, Where's My Carolina Reaper? #HotAndSpicyFoodInASongOrMovie #HashtagGame

My ankle just did such a big twist that M.Night Shyamalan has optioned it for his next film. #2000sHumour #TwentyYearsTooLate

Well, I guess it is news about something that's broken.

When continually claiming you're a very smart, very rich, very powerful man gives you away.

Wanting to go viral on social media is a bit like chatting with your mates down the pub and hoping that one of the things you say will get everyone in the pub to suddenly come over and say they liked that.

Thank you for your attention to this Matt.

Speaking of great villains of history, do we know who invented that plastic that turns to sticky rubber after a few years?

"Doctor, it hurts when I move my elbow like this" "Well Mr Chiles, just write a column about it, like you do with everything else that slightly annoys you."

Time to join 4chan to make sure someone doesn't nick my username on there.

Epic zero be panel's deranged non-recipient of this (5,5,5) #CrypticClue

And finally if you want the absolute guarantee of reading a delightful book of spotted moments with absolutely no hissing battle geese, you can buy one here: (Currency in NZD so much cheaper in USD, GBP etc. All ebook and big store links here too.) www.swashbucklerpress.com/tiny-moments...

Dutch Noble Peace Prize.

Counterpoint: He now has a physical reminder that he didn't win it.

Dump, gratuity, tilt, apex. Follow me for more tips like these.

Dutch penis

Post a game you remember playing that nobody else remembers.

Coming soon: slashtags! Like hashtag but for pissing. Tag your posts with /BATH, /SINK, whatever, then tap to see everyone else's equally pissy analysis!

CEO of Poke People In The Eye Stick™️ says health and safety rules do not apply to sticks designed to poke people in the eye.

CEO of Poke People In The Eye Stick™️ says they will stop people from poking other people in the eye with it, in jurisdictions where poking someone in the eye is illegal.