I told my boyfriend that I heard "Regulate" on the radio and he said "you needed that win."

If you want to come over just take North Third St. til it ends at a front lawn that clearly looks like it belongs to a man who has given up. That's me. That's my place.

Having reproduced thrice, this day belongs to me.

People forget that was me inside the HR Puffenstuff costume.

I was raised to butter things.

bury me now

It takes a village to straighten out a dumbass

I'm feeling a little bacharachy today.

Changed my name to Laszlo Karaoke. Please make a note of it ✍️

NOT "in the zone." Not even close, really. Several connecting flights and 1 long burro ride away from "in the zone."

January 17,200,345 B.C. Evolved into a crab again. Scuttled along the floors of silent seas all morning. Saw Andy in the p.m.. He'd just invented a "wheel" and could speak of nothing else. Didn't even mention my carcinization. I feel like I'm invisible even to close friends.

New York City residents, I need a little help. Can you tell me about how many times, on average, you see The Strokes walking five abreast down the sidewalk in a typical week?

I got my 23andMe results and forgive me for being skeptical. It says I'm 31% German, 12% Almond Joy, and the rest is crumpled up tissue paper.

I am mad frumpy.

FACTS ABOUT MY FAVORITE PLANET E xcellent A mazing R eally cool T he people could chill out H ippos live here also

(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

he is risen lol

Ask me a question I won't even dignify with a response.

shout out to schroeder

I am Cousin Banjo. plinka plinka plinka

I wrote a whole song about sandwiches and didn't even rhyme Cuban with Reuben.

Fonzie origin story

A wise man once said, "There'll be no healing from the art of double-dealing. Armageddon's back in town again."

This cup of coffee is a little bitter, but don't worry. It's nothing four heaping tablespoons of Swiss Miss can't fix.

My wife has this crazy thing where she stops eating when she feels full.

Young toughs have organized once again to kick me in the seat of my pants. My pants!

Goodbye Orange Cream Coke Zero. We hardly knew ye. All that's left are the crazy memories. You were only on this earth for a limited time.

Hit me up if you're looking for a podcast guest who is in no way interesting, amusing, or particularly well-informed on any topic.

Am I depressed? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Big Country make guitars sound like bagpipes?

'measles outbreak at the child prison' seems entirely avoidable, it's really the kind of thing that only happens if you do several unthinkably evil things on purpose all at once

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Look, I need something to write home about, so spare me that crap that's nothing to write home about.

greg bovino will replace dan bongino in the broadway adaptation of the bing bong brothers

WHEN I SAY "DURAN!!" YOU SAY "DURAN!!"

I do think that a possibly underrated dynamic in The Horrors is that the Right as it has reconstituted itself under Trump legitimately can’t understand sincere moral or physical courage

Perhaps you remember me from my '60s vocal group, The Shitty Lettermen.

Teenaged me used to imagine that Columbia House order pickers were marveling at my good taste in music.

As I understand it, there is a contest tonight that pits college against college. Well, may the most learned prevail!

Well, it's Saturday night You're all dressed up in blue I been watching you a while Did you use that dry shampoo?

Ruin a band by changing one letter: Herman's Permits

Notes from my visit to the Wendy's drive-thru in Sycamore Saturday night: ▪️The guy on the speaker taking orders sounds exactly like Jonah Hill. ▪️I spilled some Frosty on my key fob when going from my car to the house. My key fob might be the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life.

[Me realizing Paul Giamatti is doing the voice of John Adams in the new Ken Burns Revolutionary War documentary] Oh FUCK yes

Hats off to the surgical nurses at Kishwaukee Hospital in DeKalb. One of them shaved my belly three and a half years ago, and the hair never came back!

Hit me up if you're looking for a podcast guest who is in no way interesting, amusing, or particularly well-informed on any topic.

The way I dance like no one is watching is like someone is watching.

i hope santa’s reindeer have been bulking up, i want a bathtub full of spaghetti and meatballs for christmas

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

Anybody got a good lead on where I can have my sterling silver sporks monogrammed