The way I dance like no one is watching is like someone is watching.

i hope santa’s reindeer have been bulking up, i want a bathtub full of spaghetti and meatballs for christmas

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

Anybody got a good lead on where I can have my sterling silver sporks monogrammed

Please check out my band, Sausage Casings Stuffed with KitKats.

Just like this Doritos Loco Taco from Taco Bell, I will inevitably fall apart.

Show of hands -- who am I kidding?

I'm not saying life is a vicious circle. But it may be a cruel rhombus. Or a callous trapezoid. At the very least, life is a bloodthirsty parallelogram

I look like Col. Sanders if he ate his delicious fried chicken 24/7.

It's nice to meet you. I'm a man out of time.

I rake to forget.

I think I know why we're all here. It's to discuss the snail's pace that's been adopted at the DeKalb, IL Taco Bell drive-thru, right?

To remember how to close the bathroom window (crank handle), I use the classic mnemonic we all love (righty opey, lefty closey)

If you’re currently lost in a corn maze, your best bet is going to be hunkering down for the night

I look like Col. Sanders if he ate his delicious fried chicken 24/7.

Do I have debts no honest man can pay? Yes. Will I go see the Springsteen movie on its first day? Also yes.

I'm in a trance AND I'm in a transom. I'm in 2 things. Please help me.

if role model is the alternative, gimme bad bunny 8 days a week

You guys know I float on air?

I'm going to a police station in the 1950s for sandwiches and coffee. Anybody want anything?

hella sad, dog

I use a lot of product in my white hair. Otherwise, it will be all puffy and leave me looking like a Q-tip or my late mother-in-law.

The United States could have great things like this. But we like to spend our money on kidnapping people and trafficking them to concentration camps instead. #Priorities

This place is rife with sexual insinuendo and double bubble entendres.

A new Columbia house account could heal me.

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

Offer received and accepted, funemployment ends homies. I release my employment jelly to the wild now, thank you friend.

Every morning, I wake up and think, "Maybe today is the day that my personality completely changes, and I start doing all the things I've been talking about doing for 40 years.".

weird how the guy born into obscene wealth, bailed out repeatedly, allowed to fail upwards forever until he fell ass-backwards into the presidency, and then was declared by the Supreme Court to be a Very Special Boy Who Can Crime Forever never stops whining about how everything is rigged against him

i'm sorry i called you a stupid frosted flake

hate it here

Her: How long did you microwave your pizza? Me: 2:22 Her: Why 2:22?! Me: I was too tired to move my finger around the keypad.

people forget I invented fruit roll-ups

From Feminist News on Facebook. #Pinks

ME: [shaking 8-Ball] C'mon! tell me my future!! 8-BALL: You're gonna die! (because in this scenario 8-Ball is the nickname of a particularly violent gang-member)

The Major League Baseball All-Star Game is tonight, and you know what that means! Everybody should be having spaghetti for dinner tonight! Hey, I don't make the rules. Okay, full disclosure, I made this rule. I'm really hoping it takes off if you're able to help out at all.

You guys, I got stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it and Bono's no help.

Changed my name to Mars Chunk. Please make a note of it ✍️

You can say what you will about my old boss, but that guy LOVED a store-bought coffee cake.

I'm a regular guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. Then it's back to bed.

God bless Ted Lange as Isaac, Your Bartender.

The first time Charlie Chaplin used his voice in a film, he wielded it to forcefully condemn the rising forces of fascism around the globe. Will we listen to his words today?

Screwy is an underutilized adjective.

What, exactly, are we celebrating tomorrow? Our cutting off healthcare to the needy to enrich the greedy? Our new concentration camps? Our dying economy? Our ditching due process? Our corruption? Our broken legislature? Our corrupt SCOTUS? Our ridiculous buffoon president? #FourthOfJuly

“Hey guys, what kind of bagels do you want?” Violent Femmes “ EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING “

Changed my name to Urths Fattist. Please make a note of it ✍️

SUMMER SOLSTICE FACTS • invented in 1964 for New York World's Fair • only time that sun actually wears sunglasses • longest day, also widest • ducks may fly in reverse • worms must wiggle backwards • marmot behavior remains unchanged • official food is toast

Let me know if you want me to tell you what I think about the cut of your jib.