Do I have debts no honest man can pay? Yes. Will I go see the Springsteen movie on its first day? Also yes.

I'm in a trance AND I'm in a transom. I'm in 2 things. Please help me.

if role model is the alternative, gimme bad bunny 8 days a week

You guys know I float on air?

I'm going to a police station in the 1950s for sandwiches and coffee. Anybody want anything?

hella sad, dog

I use a lot of product in my white hair. Otherwise, it will be all puffy and leave me looking like a Q-tip or my late mother-in-law.

The United States could have great things like this. But we like to spend our money on kidnapping people and trafficking them to concentration camps instead. #Priorities

This place is rife with sexual insinuendo and double bubble entendres.

A new Columbia house account could heal me.

just like you guys, i put my pants on one leg at a time, leaning against a wall, losing my balance, falling to my knees, yelling “FUCK”, rolling over onto my butt, turning back onto my knees, trying to get back up, grabbing the TV stand for support, attempting to catch the TV, yelling “FUCK” again,

Offer received and accepted, funemployment ends homies. I release my employment jelly to the wild now, thank you friend.

Every morning, I wake up and think, "Maybe today is the day that my personality completely changes, and I start doing all the things I've been talking about doing for 40 years.".

weird how the guy born into obscene wealth, bailed out repeatedly, allowed to fail upwards forever until he fell ass-backwards into the presidency, and then was declared by the Supreme Court to be a Very Special Boy Who Can Crime Forever never stops whining about how everything is rigged against him

i'm sorry i called you a stupid frosted flake

hate it here

Her: How long did you microwave your pizza? Me: 2:22 Her: Why 2:22?! Me: I was too tired to move my finger around the keypad.

people forget I invented fruit roll-ups

From Feminist News on Facebook. #Pinks

ME: [shaking 8-Ball] C'mon! tell me my future!! 8-BALL: You're gonna die! (because in this scenario 8-Ball is the nickname of a particularly violent gang-member)

The Major League Baseball All-Star Game is tonight, and you know what that means! Everybody should be having spaghetti for dinner tonight! Hey, I don't make the rules. Okay, full disclosure, I made this rule. I'm really hoping it takes off if you're able to help out at all.

You guys, I got stuck in a moment, and I can't get out of it and Bono's no help.

Changed my name to Mars Chunk. Please make a note of it ✍️

You can say what you will about my old boss, but that guy LOVED a store-bought coffee cake.

I'm a regular guy. I put my pants on one leg at a time. Then it's back to bed.

God bless Ted Lange as Isaac, Your Bartender.

The first time Charlie Chaplin used his voice in a film, he wielded it to forcefully condemn the rising forces of fascism around the globe. Will we listen to his words today?

Tuesday at 4am

Screwy is an underutilized adjective.

What, exactly, are we celebrating tomorrow? Our cutting off healthcare to the needy to enrich the greedy? Our new concentration camps? Our dying economy? Our ditching due process? Our corruption? Our broken legislature? Our corrupt SCOTUS? Our ridiculous buffoon president? #FourthOfJuly

“Hey guys, what kind of bagels do you want?” Violent Femmes “ EVERYTHING EVERYTHING EVERYTHING “

Changed my name to Urths Fattist. Please make a note of it ✍️

SUMMER SOLSTICE FACTS • invented in 1964 for New York World's Fair • only time that sun actually wears sunglasses • longest day, also widest • ducks may fly in reverse • worms must wiggle backwards • marmot behavior remains unchanged • official food is toast

Let me know if you want me to tell you what I think about the cut of your jib.

When I say, "FOLK!" You say, "MUSIC!" When I say, "FOLK!" You say, "MUSIC!"

has that dude had his little birthday boy tank man parade yet? it’s hard to tell because the only thing the news is showing right now is how much people around the country hate him

In my mind, the awesome drum part in the theme from Mad Men is played by Jon Hamm.

Why does a horse always win the Kentucky Derby? What about a speedy giraffe with a heart of gold

Carl Sagan when asked, "Are you a Socialist?"

For the love of God, people, you have to listen to me! Old Tonight Shows with Johnny Carson DO NOT hold up!!

13 albums to vet to know me: 1. REM - Fables of the Reconstruction 2. Bruce Springsteen - Tunnel of Love 3. Hüsker Dü - Warehouse: Songs & Stories 4. Marah - Kids in Philly 5. The Replacements - Pleased to Meet Me 6. Uncle Tupelo - Anodyne 7. Richard & Linda Thompson - Shoot Out the Lights

I think a powerful backlash is coming, and it will push hard in the direction of kindness and compassion. I might not live to see it, but you will.

Are you confused about what's happening in the US? This is the best short video I've seen. Must watch. www.youtube.com/shorts/3ZfBu...

Hi. Stephen Miller looks like a Squidward statue that was hewn from the world's largest turd.

When I was a teenager attending church each Sunday with my family, the family that was in the pew right in front of us was the Butts family. I remember Mr. Butts, who was a very tall man, would continuously clench and unclench his buttocks during the parts of the mass that required standing.

You might remember me from Twitter. I was best known for my controversial "Seagulls are dicks" take.

I hate it when people threaten to come over. Now I’ve got to do 2 yrs of housework in 30 minutes

Post your favorite Doctor Who. Wrong answers only.