I am Cousin Banjo. plinka plinka plinka

I wrote a whole song about sandwiches and didn't even rhyme Cuban with Reuben.

Fonzie origin story

A wise man once said, "There'll be no healing from the art of double-dealing. Armageddon's back in town again."

This cup of coffee is a little bitter, but don't worry. It's nothing four heaping tablespoons of Swiss Miss can't fix.

My wife has this crazy thing where she stops eating when she feels full.

Young toughs have organized once again to kick me in the seat of my pants. My pants!

Goodbye Orange Cream Coke Zero. We hardly knew ye. All that's left are the crazy memories. You were only on this earth for a limited time.

Hit me up if you're looking for a podcast guest who is in no way interesting, amusing, or particularly well-informed on any topic.

Am I depressed? Is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Did Big Country make guitars sound like bagpipes?

'measles outbreak at the child prison' seems entirely avoidable, it's really the kind of thing that only happens if you do several unthinkably evil things on purpose all at once

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Look, I need something to write home about, so spare me that crap that's nothing to write home about.

greg bovino will replace dan bongino in the broadway adaptation of the bing bong brothers

WHEN I SAY "DURAN!!" YOU SAY "DURAN!!"

I do think that a possibly underrated dynamic in The Horrors is that the Right as it has reconstituted itself under Trump legitimately can’t understand sincere moral or physical courage

Perhaps you remember me from my '60s vocal group, The Shitty Lettermen.

Teenaged me used to imagine that Columbia House order pickers were marveling at my good taste in music.

As I understand it, there is a contest tonight that pits college against college. Well, may the most learned prevail!

Well, it's Saturday night You're all dressed up in blue I been watching you a while Did you use that dry shampoo?

Ruin a band by changing one letter: Herman's Permits

Notes from my visit to the Wendy's drive-thru in Sycamore Saturday night: ▪️The guy on the speaker taking orders sounds exactly like Jonah Hill. ▪️I spilled some Frosty on my key fob when going from my car to the house. My key fob might be the worst thing I have ever tasted in my life.

[Me realizing Paul Giamatti is doing the voice of John Adams in the new Ken Burns Revolutionary War documentary] Oh FUCK yes

Hats off to the surgical nurses at Kishwaukee Hospital in DeKalb. One of them shaved my belly three and a half years ago, and the hair never came back!

Hit me up if you're looking for a podcast guest who is in no way interesting, amusing, or particularly well-informed on any topic.

The way I dance like no one is watching is like someone is watching.

i hope santa’s reindeer have been bulking up, i want a bathtub full of spaghetti and meatballs for christmas

Between shopping and wrapping and baking, I can’t keep up. Not to mention being trapped inside this haunted snow globe

Anybody got a good lead on where I can have my sterling silver sporks monogrammed

Please check out my band, Sausage Casings Stuffed with KitKats.

Just like this Doritos Loco Taco from Taco Bell, I will inevitably fall apart.

Show of hands -- who am I kidding?

I'm not saying life is a vicious circle. But it may be a cruel rhombus. Or a callous trapezoid. At the very least, life is a bloodthirsty parallelogram

I look like Col. Sanders if he ate his delicious fried chicken 24/7.

It's nice to meet you. I'm a man out of time.

I rake to forget.

I think I know why we're all here. It's to discuss the snail's pace that's been adopted at the DeKalb, IL Taco Bell drive-thru, right?

If you’re currently lost in a corn maze, your best bet is going to be hunkering down for the night

I look like Col. Sanders if he ate his delicious fried chicken 24/7.

Do I have debts no honest man can pay? Yes. Will I go see the Springsteen movie on its first day? Also yes.

I'm in a trance AND I'm in a transom. I'm in 2 things. Please help me.

if role model is the alternative, gimme bad bunny 8 days a week

You guys know I float on air?

I'm going to a police station in the 1950s for sandwiches and coffee. Anybody want anything?

hella sad, dog

I use a lot of product in my white hair. Otherwise, it will be all puffy and leave me looking like a Q-tip or my late mother-in-law.

The United States could have great things like this. But we like to spend our money on kidnapping people and trafficking them to concentration camps instead. #Priorities

This place is rife with sexual insinuendo and double bubble entendres.