Sorry I’m late and regret coming

joke's on you, bullies—there's nowhere I'd rather be than inside my locker

My resolution to be the coziest person in every room is going very well

sex with me is like bowling. there’s a lot of drinking and cursing. sticking your fingers in weird holes. you have to rent shoes

but guilty feet have got no rhythm your honor

if i was trapped in an invisible box, i would tell no one but there would be mimes

doing the BRAT diet (Bacardi Rum And Tequila) & i still have diarrhea AITA ?

Aries: Live, laugh, lower your expectations.

I’m doing dry January (a month of straight faced, witty observational posts, delivered with minimal effort)

When you saw only one set of footprints then a big dent the size of a body, it was then that I stopped carrying you

interviewer: is there anything more you could tell us about yourself? cookie monster: me want cooki- interviewer: besides that

thinking about growing one of those mustaches with the curly ends but idk if i can handle everyone wanting to have sex with me

i just made this amazing dish: meatballs & spaghetti it’s exactly like spaghetti & meatballs but it’s meatballs & spaghetti !

Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Shrimpfest

We’re celebrating Christmas the old-fashioned way (making a human sacrifice and worshipping the sun)

Robocop is a movie about a guy who gets killed on the job and they still made him go back to work

Oh sure it's funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone's head but when I do it it’s a “crime”

If nuts wanted us to eat them they wouldn’t wear armour

if social media has taught me anything... i’m unaware of it

Nothing quite prepares you for the first time you overhear your 15 year old daughter explaining to her grandmother what teabagging is.

Hemingway’s editor: The short story you sent is great, but I’d like to see you flesh it out. Who is this baby— and why doesn’t he wear shoes?

This may not be a popular opinion but I don’t believe you should kill a Christmas tree unless you’re planning on eating the whole thing.

terrifying if literal: computer chips

INVENTOR OF CHRISTMAS: we will celebrate on one special day INVENTOR OF HANUKKAH: we will celebrate on eight special days INVENTOR OF CHRISTMAS: *narrows eyes* we will celebrate on TWELVE special days

Sometimes I worry I'm not making enemies fast enough.

“You seem really chill” I’m dead inside

Live chess

In 6th grade I was battle rapping against my friend Jeff and my mom walked in to bring us apple slices

Most people who say "I'm bad with names" mean they can't remember them. But I'm bad with names in another way. Anyway, meet my son Dipshit

I hate how this cop keeps referring to everyone who caught my Magic Mike street tribute act last night as "the witnesses."

In relationships, it’s important to remember the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled

I had a dream about you last night. You’ll be hearing from my attorney.

How The Grinch legitimately paid for Christmas doesn’t sound as interesting

There are many qualities I look for in the people I allow into my life but the most important of all is low expectations.

Telling a child that Santa isn't real is one of the hardest things about being a party clown

Just driven past a house with a 15ft inflatable Grinch in their front yard and I don’t know if that means they like Christmas or don’t

These are my jokes. Please don't laugh at them.

I’ve just finished reading the Bible. I even did all the voices

It takes a big man to admit that he’s wrong. It takes a small man to squeeze through the dog door

Good morning to everyone except the guy with a cordless drill who’s chasing me though my house